I don’t really want to know

I’m pregnant. Again. I’m sure of it.

Alright, I haven’t taken a test yet. But I know it.

To recap, I lost my last pregnancy in early October at about 8 1/2 weeks. It was very sad and frustrating, but it’s over. Six weeks later, November 17, my period returned and I got the all clear from my doctor. Had some blood tests done and a sonohistogram to check for fibroids or polyps, and all came back fine.

That was more than five weeks ago.

And now here I am. Sore boobs, exhausted, breaking out… and no period. This feels more than a little familiar. With each day, I’m increasingly certain that I’m pregnant again. After all, I’ve never been irregular as far as my cycle is concerned. If it’s a normal one, it’s four weeks almost precisely. If there’s something unusual (chemical pregnancy, miscarriage, going off of the pill for the first time), it’s almost exactly six weeks. Nothing unusual this time, though. So I’m pretty darn sure.

So, why haven’t I tested? Because I don’t really want to know. I’m feeling like, if this is going to go badly *again*, then I would rather just not have known in the first place. Yes, at this point, it’s total denial. But there’s something not insignificant about having no confirmation.

I’m going to test when we get home. I decided before my period was late, because I wanted to wait as long as I could to test, but I also needed to have a “deadline” in my head. I somehow didn’t want to have the knowledge of my pregnant state while home for the holidays. I mean, I pretty much know, and I avoided the alcohol and took my vitamins and all of that good stuff. But I think I also didn’t want to “know” and therefore be avoiding telling my family. Alas.

So, I’ll test when we get home on Tuesday or Wednesday. I’m sure I know the answer, but for the moment, I’ll wait for the official confirmation. Then I’m sure there will be a blood draw (my favorite), and we’ll see if my OB schedules an early ultrasound… I’ll keep you posted.