Still reeling from the ultrasound, still kind of in denial about the twins. I mean, it’s not like there was anything ambiguous about what we saw, but it’s hard for me to believe it 100%.
In large part, I’m still trying to protect myself, emotionally. Wednesday afternoon I was just beside myself with excitement. I was shopping online for double strollers, mentally switching which room we would make the nursery, and wondering if we should get a minivan. And then, driving home, the fear washed over me. Not like a rain shower, but like one of those huge waves that surfers enjoy in Hawaii. Huge, fast, and certain to drown me. I nearly burst into tears on the highway. It hit me: now that I’m twice as excited, I have at least twice as much to lose.
And really, I’m not usually a cynical or especially pessimistic person. I want this to work out so badly, and I’m frequently hopeful that it will. I’m also so afraid of losing again. But, I’m trying to stay as level as possible – not too excited, not too scared. That said, my husband is just plain beside himself, and sometimes I am too. TWINS?? Holy crap! That is so friggin exciting!
Today, meanwhile, I feel like crap. I’ve been vaguely light-headed or dizzy most of the morning. I wondered if I just needed to eat, so I had a nice big (yummy) plate of pad thai (hold the sprouts) for lunch. Nope. Still have the same feeling on the back of my neck that I get when I give blood. The one that makes the nurses lie me down and give me an ice pack for my neck. Fun!
I’m fortunate that neither my mother nor my mother-in-law ever experienced much by way of morning sickness, and I have so far been exempt. The symptoms have mainly been exhaustion, sore (and huge) boobs, and acne that would shock a teenager. Oh, and a nice side of moodiness for extra challenge. But all in all, I know of people much more miserable than me, so I can’t complain all that much.
Third ultrasound scheduled for next Friday (since I told my OB I might lose my mind if I had to wait for my appointment on the 30th). I’ll be 7 weeks, 6 days, so hopefully it’ll be a great view with some nice, strong heartbeats. Hopefully nothing much to speak of in the week before that happens…
I’m certain you already know that your feelings are completely normal. Geez, I mean I never had a miscarriage that I knew about and I didn’t relax about my pregnancy until after 12 weeks. I’m not sure when I did relax, really, but one day I realized that I had. I still get scares and head for the orange juice if I don’t feel him move for too many hours. The only way I stayed sane was telling myself over and over that everything was probably fine. And really? It probably is fine.