I’ve lost my mind.
I think I’ve cried four of the last five nights. And I’m not talking about tearing up at a sappy commercial (that’s not new). I mean full on lose it. Swollen eyes, garbled speech, stuffed-up nose. It varies what sets me off, but I know that’s not really the point. It’s the combination of my least favorite hormone ever (progesterone) and the sometimes crushing anxiety of losing both of these babies. Oh sure, one night it could be my husband’s indecisiveness about taking a new job (Wednesday, I believe), another night I’m maddeningly uncomfortable in my own skin (Friday, big time). Last night it was a combination of disorientation (I was half asleep), ambivalence about sex (I’d like to, but it terrifies me right now), and miscarriage fears. Oh, and then crying because I felt bad about all the crying. Awesome.
I think hitting the eight-week mark yesterday was both exciting and terrifying. On the one hand, each new week feels like great progress. “I’m not six weeks anymore, I’m eight!” And on the other hand, I’m now reaching the point where I lost it last time. With my last pregnancy, I discovered the miscarriage at eight weeks, five days. In the ultrasound, the embryo apparently measured eight weeks, three days, so it had theoretically stopped growing two days earlier. But I sort of believe it had just stopped that very afternoon. Either way, that’s “this” week. So I’m pretty well consumed with anxiety.
The thing I’m freaking out about right now is the hematoma. I had one last time, which they didn’t think was anything to worry about, and then I lost the pregnancy. No one ever said the two had anything to do with each other, but it’s still a scary (to me) similarity. I saw it much more pronounced in this last ultrasound than in the one before. Though the ultrasound tech said it looked like it was in the process of resolving, it still freaks me out.
But, today I’m off to do admissions interviews for my alma mater. Hopefully it will keep my mind more or less occupied for a large part of the day. Any break from flipping out about this is welcome. Though you can bet I’m going to ask for an interview room on the first floor. Not risking going up and down three flights of stairs all day long. Not that I have any reason to think that would have a negative impact on my pregnancy, but I feel like I have so little influence over the process right now, I’ll do any little thing that seems like a good idea.
Whatever gets you through the day, right?
