An unexpected recurring theme has emerged as we prepare for the arrival of the double trouble. I was prepared for the weird comments and questions that people have when they find out you’re having twins. “Better you than me.” “Were you on fertility drugs?” “How on earth will you manage?!” All variety of inappropriate or non-helpful things like that. But there was one question I wasn’t prepared to hear from everyone (my own mom included).
“Are you going to hire someone to help?”
More people have suggested this than I would have ever imagined. My mom, a woman in the quilt shop, people on message boards… Who knew? For one thing, I think people see “twins” and think “no mere mortal could possibly handle two infants.” They assume it’s got to be exponentially more difficult than a single baby, and you’d be a fool not to call in the pros. They say “you should hire a baby nurse to come stay for 2-3 weeks to help get them on a schedule.” “You should get a night nurse to come every night from 9:30PM – 6:30AM so you can sleep.”
I can certainly see how this would theoretically make life easier. Who doesn’t want to be able to sleep more? But forgive me if I’m perpetuating some sort of ancient hazing ritual… isn’t it the point for me to be sleep-deprived for a while? I can sort of understand it if I had some sort of health issue that I really wouldn’t be physically capable of being sleep-deprived. Or maybe if I had to go back to work right away and really needed to be able to function on a high level. And maybe if I was some fabulously wealthy socialite in Manhattan whose standing would be ruined if I showed up to a black-tie event with dark circles under my eyes, it would sound reasonable. But there’s a reason I’ll be off work for (at least) 16 weeks. This is my new job.
Don’t get me wrong. I think it will be really hard. I think I’ll cry, I think I’ll lose my mind a little. I think I’ll need help, and fully plan to take advantage of mothers, stepmothers, mothers-in-law… and lactation consultants. I’m considering signing up for a mom “buddy,” either through the Moms of Multiples club or Jewish Family & Children Services. I don’t think I’m some kind of superwoman who laughs in the face of any and all assistance.
But I don’t think that paying a total stranger to stay in my house is the right option for me. For one thing, I think the money would be better spent elsewhere. For another, I neither want to feel like I’m hosting a houseguest nor being told what to do. I want to prepare, I want to seek out support, but I think it would just be an additional stressor to have someone staying at my house. And as for the “night nurse,” not only is my husband a total night owl, but if I’m breastfeeding (which I plan on doing), I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting up whether someone’s there or not!
I’m lucky. My husband’s new job provides for two weeks paid paternity leave, before he has to dip into any vacation or other leave. All sets of grandparents to be are excited to come out and visit/help. I don’t have to go back to work right away. Will this be incredibly hard and stressful? You bet. But somehow I think my husband and I will find a way to make it work. Maybe I’m in a little bit of denial, but I think that’s OK. There’s no way to know how hard it will be until you do it. But somehow I believe we’ll make it through.
If someone wants to hire someone to clean my house for the first month, now we’re talking…
I completely agree.
I tried to think of something else to add, but nope. You said it all, and you’re right.
I couldn’t have said it better myself!!
I agree also, mainly because this is what you are supposed to do. In addition, as you mentioned, I would highly recommend hiring someone to come in once a month, for the first 3 months, to clean your abode from top to bottom, that way you can focus on what is important, i.e., bonding and sleeping…
I think all the moms I’ve known recently that have twins..weither they are 3 months old, or are 3 years old..have at some point had some type of hired help. I worked as a nanny for newborn twins, with the mom at home with me. My friends have a nanny that come and help her as well. Others have definatly hired maids…
I wouldn’t take peoples comments as “you won’t be able to handle it, hire someone now, you are going to suck”, but more as “hey, rasing one baby at a time is hard, so if you find yourself stressing out, don’t think twice, or feel bad at all for needing help”. I’m sure most of the people asking if you were going to hire help, have had one baby…at a time, and thought of hiring help…so they figure with two…”holy heck that is going to be hard”…
Good for you! And you’re absolutely right – you CAN do it. Sure, it would be easy to have someone come in and help you – that would probably be the case for any new mother, wouldn’t it? Whether it’s 2 or 3 or more. But being a mother is hard, and there’s nothing wrong with that. My great grandmother had TWO sets of twins at different points within a 5-year span, and this with a couple of singletons in between. I think, in this day and age, given all the family help and friends (hell, you don’t know me, but we’re in the same state, and I’LL come help out if you need!), you can definitely do it.