I hate my breast pump.
Well, let me rephrase. I resent the pump, and the chains that bind me to it. It would be fair to say that breastfeeding isn’t going quite as well as I had hoped. Thankfully, I had read enough info and talked to enough people ahead of time that I knew this was within the realm of possibilities. I can only imagine how demoralizing it would have been if I just figured it would all go smoothly. But even still, it has been enormously frustrating.
When the babies were in the Special Care Nursery, I wasn’t really able to establish breastfeeding as I ideally would have liked. In theory, I would have had the babies rooming in with me in the hospital, able to respond to their feeding cues and try latching them on from the get-go. That just wasn’t in the cards. And as supportive as the SCN folks are of breastfeeding, it is not their primary goal. They obviously want to make sure the babies are eating and gaining weight, so if there’s no breastmilk to be had, then formula it is.
In the meantime, I began dutifully pumping every three hours, getting no more than a drop for days. I was feeling defeated, but finally I got a few drops to accumulate, and then a few more. Upon release from the hospital, I was set up with a hospital-grade dual electric pump, which was thankfully covered by my insurance due to my preemie babies. By the time they came home, I was up to nearly an ounce and a half (a big improvement over nothing) every three hours, so I figured things were on the upswing, albeit slowly. It was really annoying to sit and pump every three hours, but at least it was finally getting me somewhere. And I was determined to transition to direct breastfeeding, so this was only a temporary situation.
Well, things have stalled a bit. I got up to about 1.5-2.5 ounces every three hours, and have not increased since then. Of course, the twins’ feeding needs have. As of yesterday, they are now consuming more than I can pump. I saw the Lactation Consultant last week, and am trying to practice more direct breastfeeding. Rebecca does well, but her tiny mouth can only open so wide, so her best latch still causes some degree of pain. Daniel goes from zero to frantic in about three seconds, so getting him to latch on at all as been incredibly difficult as he shakes his head wildly in frustration at the breast. I’m going to return for a follow-up sometime this week, but it’s difficult.
So pump I will, because I want to keep trying to establish breastfeeding for at least a month. But I resent my time spent as a cow for several reasons. For one, being a slave to the three-hour rotation means that after each feeding session, I have to almost immediately put down one or both babies and disappear to hook myself up. Between prepping, pumping, storing, and cleaning, it’s at least a half hour taken up. And that’s time I would so much rather spend either cuddling with my beloved babies, or at least napping. Additionally, I feel like I’m currently using both methods of feeding with the benefits of neither. If I was solely formula-feeding, then I wouldn’t have to deal with this pumping nonsense. If I was exclusively breastfeeding, I wouldn’t have to deal with storage or bottle preparation.
Every time I go to pump, I feel like I’m being tested, and the evaluation is done in milliliters. I don’t feel like I’m scoring very well at all. Even more frustrating is that I don’t believe the root of my problem is supply or production, but rather extraction. I honestly believe my body is creating more than the pump can get. And so I try again, each time trying to put one of the babies to breast. It’s maddening and painful, but I’ll keep trying. For now.
Note: I started this entry at least four days ago. It’s amazing how long it takes to do things these days. So forgive me if the posts are fewer and farther between. I’m thinking it might actually get a touch easier to write when my visitors leave town. We’ll see…
I totally agree that the pumping can really suck. Especially when you are watching every drop, and trying your hardest to keep up with your growing babies. And who ever said “don’t cry over spilled milk” never knocked over a bottle of breast milk! Hang in there if you can because it seems like it is really something you wanted to work out for you. Personally, things are soooo much better now for us regarding nursing and pumping. And my twins are only 3 months old. But I shared a lot of your frustrations. I found it helpful to do things like email and blogging while pumping, so I quit paying so much attention to my boobs. I actually produced more. I keep a picture of the kids on my desk to look at also. And I quit pumping every 3 hours because I found that if I waited for say 6 hours, I made enough for 2 feedings. Gave me a break from the “machine.”
We supplemented with formula at first, and the babies still get about 85% of their milk from bottles, but they are much better nursers now and is not nearly as frustrating.
Whatever decision you make, you are a loving mother and obviously care deeply about your babies.
I enjoy reading your blog. Thanks for posting.
Hey, what a big bummer! This is a long comment, but maybe you can glean something from it that will help.
I remember this stage as being one of major frustration. Breastfeeding twins can be really hard.
What helped me was a combination of several things:
- I was open to all suggestions. I figured that among all the advice I sought from experienced B-feeding mothers, there would be something that would apply to me and my situation.
- I didn’t feel guilty about supplementing. I figured that ANY breastmilk they got into them was great.
- I had friends who knew some breastfeeding tricks and understood the need for pillows, more pillows! The babies are so small at first that it’s hard for many women to get them positioned comfortably.
- I had a mom-of-twins tell me how hard it had been for her, and that she kept telling herself that if she could just go to 6 weeks, she’d be satisfied that she had gotten breastmilk into her babies and that she had given it a good try. She had been told this by another mom-of-twins. Both of these moms had ended up breastfeeding until the kids were about 1 years old. So I hung in there, supplementing with formula but mostly (70%) breastfeeding, and then at 6 weeks, I proudly told my friend, Hey, I made it to 6 weeks and it’s going a lot better! And then it turned out that she had actually said 10 weeks (!), and my poor sleep-deprived mind had inaccurately recorded the number! So I kept going, and it was indeed getting better, and at 10 weeks, the babies and I had gotten the hang of it, and it was OK, and then it got even better at 3 months, and then my daughter nursed until 2 years and my son until 11 months.
But it was really really hard at first, and I remember not pumping as much as I could have, and I was not producing so much either, but by the time they were 5 months old, I was using a hand pump (The Isis – wonderful! Amazing! Convenient!) and producing a very reasonable amount. The hand pump is nice too because you can indeed cuddle with a baby while pumping. I really disliked the electric pump, so I pumped more with the hand pump because it was so easy and comfortable (I could do it in the car – not while I was driving, of course, but I guess even that would be possible!)
One of the best pieces of advice I got was when I was breastfeeding at a party (in a quiet room) at around 6 weeks, and an acquaintance that I normally didn’t interact with much walked by and asked how it was going. I replied that it was going “OK”, and she assessed my positioning, and she made a few simple suggestions for how I was holding the babies, and it worked wonders!!! All of a sudden, everything was much better! I am still grateful to this woman, even though we have returned to our somewhat distant acquaintaceship. But she was so direct and matter-of-fact with her suggestions, on the order of “well, have you tried this? or this?” I guess what I’m saying is that help can come from the unlikeliest places. Some women just understand breastfeeding.
Supplementing: If I hadn’t done it, I would have been either breastfeeding or pumping almost all the time (22 out of 24 hours!). It was a decision based on my babies particular eating patterns. Some moms of twins don’t have to supplement, and that’s great for them, but it’s not the case for many, and it’s just what it is. We all do our best! And we don’t have as much control over these situations as we’d like – it’s one of the great lessons of parenthood.
And one more thing – there’s a hypothesis floating around the human evolution literature that human babies really should gestate for 12 months, and that we are pregnant for only 9 months because of our upright posture, so that human babies really seem as if they should have been born when they are 3 months old! And I did indeed notice that when mine were 3 months, all of a sudden the nursing really got easy.
So that’s my story, and it may or may not be useful to you, but really, get as much advice as you can – call La Leche league, get another lactation consultant to see you. Your daughter’s mouth will get bigger, your son will learn how to latch on. Another great thing I learned from parenting is that EVERYTHING changes, all the time, very quickly. So maybe by the time you read this, things have improved!
Sorry to go on for so long, but I hope that at least something here would be helpful!
- Aina B.
Hang in there. Mine were in the NICU for several weeks, and it took lots of pumping, supplementing and trial-and-error.
The machine and I were intimate for slightly under 6 months. Number of times either one of my chidren got a full feed directly from the breast – ZERO. It was so frustrating, but I really wanted to get them all the benefits of the breastmilk.
Whatever happens (breast or bottle) – know that you tried and it is the right answer for your family and your kids.
i hear your pain, sister. i can’t tell you how many times i almost quit. it is so hard, and to this day i maintain that nursing the boys is the hardest thing i ever done and persevered through. i had some awesome encouragement during tough times and i hope we all can do the same for you. IT WILL GET BETTER…trust me. it will take time, though. the boys didn’t latch great until around 3 weeks. then it wasn’t until 6 weeks with the help of nipple shields (they look like plastic sombreros) that we could tandem feed. the nipple shields helped a lot with the latch. if you haven’t tried them, you might want to (or at least with the little man). they outgrew the shields by 4 months, but they helped tremendously. my boys were frantic eaters, too. maybe try giving them a little formula to quench their appetite and then try nursing so they are a little calmer? we would also put formula and/or EBM on my nipples to help them.
the pump does a lousy job at extracting compared to babies. i agree with the previous post…try pumping while blogging, watching tv, reading – anything but obsessing over how much is coming out. also try taking a hot shower before pumping (as if you have the time), or just warm washcloth compresses. that helped me a lot. i think i was able to decrease my pumping sessions to every other feed (like 4 times a day) at 6 weeks. it was really hard for me to do this because i was alone with the boys and i couldn’t fathom hooking myself up to the pump during the day when they needed me. so i pumped in the morning and then 3-4 times during the evening/night. i will say when i waited longer in between pumps i would get more milk – be careful with this, however, because with the babes not sucking/latching well, your boobs need the regular stimulation to maintain/increases supply.
as for the encouragement piece. my boys have yet to be sick. and while they are not in day care, we do tons of play dates, go to the pool, hang out in public places where there are lots of germs, etc. i can’t help but attribute this to the b-feeding. it does make a difference!
and again, i promise it will get easier. and it may get harder before it does (it did for me). set short term goals for yourself – like one month (or even weeks) at a time. it’s a lot easier to see making it a few more weeks than months. and like everyone else, don’t even give it a second thought if you realize it’s just not worth it. because your happiness and time with your babies is the most important thing – and no amount of breastmilk can measure up to that!
one more thing – make sure you have a pumping bra so you can pump hands free. this was hugely liberating for me! and i always pumped in a place where i could do the things i wanted to do. being holed up in the bedroom to pump was just way too depressing. and i would diligently clean every little piece and dry it between pumps. it’s not necessary! just give it a good rinse in some soapy suds, rinse and air dry. you have enough to worry about!
My one piece of advice for the breast pumps. Medela makes a bag that you can stick the pump pieces in, add some water, and microwave for a couple of minutes. Steam cleaned! It was great.
After the breast pump was put to rest, we still used the bags to clean the bottle nippes and other toys.
We still use it to clean medicine syringes for Tanner’s meds.
Aye Carumba! All I can say is that I could have written that post 6 months ago!
I think I told you about my breastfeeding woes in a previous pump…
I echo J+T silverman above on the shields and the bra. Although I ended up just pumping, the shields did help my little 4-lbers at first.
As far as a pumping bra…I used the Medela Pump In Style Advanced (so not sure if this trick will work with other pumps). I bought a cheap (@ Walmart) nursing bra that hooked in the back to wear over my more expensive nursing bra that I wore during the day (Bravado). I cut two holes in the front flaps of the cheap bra (to fit the “horns through”. I slipped the bra over my other bra (taking down the front flaps of the other bra, obviously) when it was time to pump. I did not want to fork over the $$ for the pumping bra…nor did I have the time to wait the 8 days that it would have taken to ship here!
When I was done, I just slipped off the cheaper bra and put it next to the dreaded pump.
I washed and steralized all the parts between using (so every 3 hours!!!) Until my hands were bleeding and raw from being in the water forever (not to mention it was well below zero during that part of the year in AK), I decided that enough was enough. I just swished in soapy water and air dried. I did use the Medela steralizing bags every night though. Now I use those bags for toys, pacis, etc. They are reusable and much easier to store than my huge Avent microwave steralizer that I never used once I found these bags!
My kids had their first cold/fever after their first week of daycare.
I quit pumping at the 9 week (I think it was) mark.
My husband went away on business and there was just no way I could feed, pump, and watch them both (especially since they both had colic during that time period!). I was a much better mom for it, but I am glad that I was able to “stand” it for as long as I did.
There is good and not-so-good in everything…but ultimately, you just have to do what is right for you!
Fenugreek helped me tremendously with increasing my supply…that and Mother’s Milk tea. Not sure what the mechanism is that helps to increase the supply…but it worked! I eventually got up to 6 or 7 hours per pump…but, it took awhile to get up to that point. At first, it was barely a half an ounce! I was so jealous of those mom’s who make TOO much milk!!
Those are my random thoughts from another sleep-deprived twin mom! My tykes are teething…no sleep for us!
Ha! Just noticed on the second line I said, “…previous pump” instead of “previous post”.
Ha, ha, ha!!! You could see where my mind was!
OK–so, I should have read my post prior to hitting “publish”. There are a few other mistakes and poor grammer, but the most important one to note (or second most important from my first adendum to the post):
The second to last paragraph…it is supposed to read “6 or 7 oz” not hours! If I’d have gone those hours between pumping sessions…there would have been an explosion!