I have made no secret of the fact that I have long-standing body image and weight issues. I’m not going to re-hash them all, but suffice it to say that they’re pretty much as old as I am, and just as stubborn. Like many moms, I am trying my very hardest not to pass those attitudes along to my children. I am very careful to NEVER talk about restricting my food or “dieting” in any way in front of my kids. They see me eat, I don’t make an issue of it one way or another. I let them eat when they’re hungry, I don’t make them clean their plates if they are done, I try to present healthy choices. I never, ever make disparaging comments about myself or my body in their presence. They see me exercise, which makes me happy, and I always talk about it in terms of being healthy and strong and working hard. Never a word about losing weight, getting smaller, or anything like that.
My mother-in-law has long struggled with her weight, too. She talks about weight ALL THE TIME. Especially with me, maybe because it’s some kind of common bond? It’s annoying, because even I get tired of talking about it. Yes, we struggle. We wish we didn’t. End of story. Apparently not. When M and I were first dating and we’d go visit his parents, literally EVERY time we were there, she would talk about how M used to be so skinny. (And he was, almost alarmingly so, but whatever. It was 15 years ago. Get over it.)
Over the weekend, when my in-laws were visiting, my kids found a small framed picture of M and me, taken the night we got engaged. The kids like carrying it around. What does my MIL say? “Oh look, there’s Mommy and Daddy when they were young and thin!”
The somewhat insulting nature of that comment (and the fact that I was not “thin” then, either) completely aside, I was aghast that she would talk that way in front of my kids. And I noticed it wasn’t the only time she talked about “getting fatter” or thinner in front of them, and other related topics of being fat or not. Now that I’ve had some space to mentally digest it, I am even more appalled, and you can bet I’m going to call her on it the next time she does it. You can’t always change people, and there are plenty of differences that you have to let slide. But this isn’t one. I’m livid.
***
I got home late last night and should have gone straight to bed, but instead found myself watching Biggest Loser on the DVR. For any issues I may have with the silliness of reality shows, I love it and watch it religiously. I love to see these people work their asses off (literally and figuratively). I love watching their successes and their unbelievable progress.
Last night was the second-to-last episode [spoiler ahead, in case you haven't watched it yet]. The remaining four contestants were sent home for a month and told they’d be brought back for one last weigh-in and to run a marathon. Basically, it’s a test to see how they can apply the lessons learned with the trainers when they’re at home and on their own. One contestant, Daris, really struggled. Despite losing 150+ pounds in four months and becoming nothing short of an athlete, despite running a marathon in a scant four hours, he actually gained two pounds while at home (the others lost between 9 and 20 pounds in that same time). The food still haunted him.
I know there are people who watched that outcome and screamed at the TV. “You’ve come this far! You’ve lost so much weight! You’re so close to the end! There’s $250,000 at stake! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?”
I didn’t ask that. I already know the answer. Watching what Daris did was like a punch in the gut. It was me. I get it.
If you’ve never truly struggled with your weight, it’s hard to understand. I didn’t get fat because I don’t know that vegetables are good for me and cookies aren’t. I didn’t get fat because I don’t know what a portion size is supposed to be. It’s not because I got a little carried away making all of the Pioneer Woman recipes. For whatever long-standing reasons, I have a different relationship with food that much more closely resembles addiction than simply a “bad habit.” Sometimes I’m in control of it, and sometimes I’m not. But it’s fundamentally different than the person who simply put on a few pounds over the years, or is having a hard time with that last bit of baby weight. It’s different.
I don’t say that as an excuse. I am physically able to exercise, I am capable of monitoring my food intake and losing weight. But just because I can sometimes get the demons under control doesn’t mean they ever, ever go away. I will never not have to deal with this.
And that’s why last night’s overly-dramatic reality show stuck with me. That struggle was so very real and so very familiar. You can watch the “plea” of each contestant and cast your vote over at NBC if you’re so inclined. It might not be the most eloquent thing you’ve ever heard, but Daris’s breaks my heart each and every time, so I voted for him. It felt like I was voting for me. His battle is far from over. The truth is that, for all of the contestants on that show, it will never be over. And neither will mine.
Thank you for this beautiful, wonderful post.
I also struggle with food issues. I was anorexic for years, finally got help in college. I spent FOUR YEARS in therapy. You don’t get down to 90 lbs without having serious mental issues. I am “cured” of my eating disorder but I will always have food issues. Always.
Both my mom and my grandma were always on diets for as long as I can remember. I do not want to pass on that legacy to my kids. It makes me sad that the only time I remember my grandma NOT talking about a diet is when she called to tell me she had stage four terminal cancer. My mom just found out last week her cholesterol is 350 and she has type two diabetes and she’s not even 60.
Your MIL sounds like Jon’s grandma… mean!
.-= LauraC´s last blog ..Tenth circle of hell =-.
This was hard to read. Mainly because it hits so close to home. My grandmother is just like your mother-in-law. My poor Mom did not make it through her upbringing unscathed and has had countless plastic surgeries as a result (and is still, I think, unhappy because it has not solved the emotional side). I get it but to a lesser extent now that I don’t see my grandmother too often. But the damage growing up has been done.
I just saw my Grandmother on Mother’s Day. I had not seen her in 6 months (She was in FL for the winter.) The first thing FIRST thing she said to me was “Glad you seem to be losing that pregnancy weight. You are running aren’t you?” Yeah, nice to see you to grandma. This time it was a compliment (sort-of) but the focus is always on weight. ALWAYS. Makes Thanksgiving miserable.
Frankly, I think it does not matter if it is 10 or 100. If a person picks on it, obsesses about it, the result is still the same. I hear your pain, your struggles, battles and sadness. BUT I also hear your strength, perseverance and acceptance. A battle that may be won (isn’t that way we still try) but whether we do or don’t win it, you have friends on the battle line.
Your post breaks my heart.
My MIL is constantly “joking” around about how thin I am (even when I was at my heaviest). She’s quite large; she likes to “kid” about whether or not I’m starving myself. This is not even remotely funny because, like LauraC I struggled with my own anorexia on and off for years. I, too, consider myself to have a handle on it but… it looms under the surface. I live in agony of passing on any food/body sensitivity to my daughter. I know that my issues are my own but I also know that they were influenced by my mother and HER relationship to food in my formative years. And Brian struggles with being overweight due to his parents influence and their firm “clean plate” rule….
It’s hard enough to deal with food issues on your own but to have to deal with comments from outsiders AND worry about how your children’s relationships with food are developing…oy.
.-= Cynthia´s last blog ..Tiny Dancer. =-.
I battle with my weight all the time. I have gained 40+ pounds since Tom and I started dating. Yes it was a long tome ago, but my weight has gone up and down and up and down and now up. Like you I know what to eat and what not to eat, I just don’t always follow what I should be doing. Yes, I should exercise more, I just hate it. I have lost my baby weight, but was over weight before I got pregnant.
This is a struggle I will always have. I hope that I can pass on good eating habits to my kids not my bad eating habits.
I think we all have someone like your MIL in our lives. For me it was my grandmother. I was never skinny enough or good enough in her eyes. Some how I learned to deal with it. Now she had dementia and I don’t get to see her much since she is out of state.
.-= Amy´s last blog ..Way Back When-esday =-.
Please, please PLEASE go buy “Intuitive Eating” by Tribole/Reisch and/or any of the books by Geneen Roth, and read them. I started down that path about three months ago. I always knew I had a dysfunctional relationship with food, but never knew I could do anything about it. Although it’s been hard, the last few months, working through my food issues instead of working on actually losing weight, it’s been wonderful and I finally am losing just a bit of weight. But better than that, I don’t feel like my whole life is thinking/obsessing/worrying about food anymore.
Maybe it’s a generational thing. My MIL has been bulimic for 30 years. And my mom, well, talk about a women who has something to day about everyone’s weight. Every time me or my siblings opened the fridge growing up, we were barraged with judgements. And subsequently, my sister became severely anorexic and then had liposuction. My brother became obsessed with working out and The Omnivores Dilemma. And me? Well, my weight bounces around back and forth all the time cause I have a thing for programs and fad diets. None of us have ever had a positive self image. This post is beautiful and brave Liz. Just like you.
.-= Kami´s last blog ..I Must, I Must, I Must Decrease My Butts =-.
The most eye-opening thing I have ever seen regarding our (the ladies of the world) obsession with thinness occured in a nursing home I was working at. One of our residents, who was 90+ and weighed 87 pounds, was bulemic and anorexic. I found her in her bathroom, purging and caught her when she collapsed from sheer frailness. She was built like a bird, unnaturally boney, skin paper-thin. She shook all the time, and was nervous and fluttery everywhere she went. Her name was Nellie, and she hated her body. She called herself “fat” and spent large parts of the day combing her thinning hair and applying copious amounts of make-up to a face that never pleased her.
It was the saddest thing I have ever seen.
I have vowed to not allow myself to grow old and still be sad that I am not the shape I would like to see reflected back at me. I simply can not imagine getting to such and age and being so unhappy.
I love the mirror of my children’s eyes at this age. They think I am beautiful and tell me so. They stroke my hair and hold my hand and ask me to pick them up. The marvel at my painted toenails, my pretty earrings, a new shirt or pair of shoes. They snuggle into my side, never judging the pudginess or size of my jeans.
They caress their great-grandma’s face, and ask her what color her hair is (silver), and she laughs. They ask her about her neck, which is saggy, and she laughs. They stroke the soft skin on her arms, which hangs and she smiles at them. She is a picture of comfort. A grand display of God’s creation. She is 78 years young, and she is lovely.
That is how I hope to grow old.
.-= Krissy´s last blog ..Well Child Check-up: Age 3 =-.
My mom is the same way and as I’ve gotten older and struggled with my own weight I have caught myself doing the same thing with the negative self-talk. On Facebook Jillian challenged this week to say nothing negative about yourself for one week. I’m doing my best. I don’t want my own kids to grow up hearing that garbage. I’ve decided to stop thinking “If I only could lose 20 lbs I’d really be happy.” I’m learning to love me like I am and if this is just the weight I’m going to be, so be it. That isn’t stopping me from working out and doing my best… Okay I could do better but anyway…. to eat healthy. But no more putting off liking me like I am. You are totally right to tell your MIL to stop discussing weight issues in front of the kids. I hope she will understand. You should be proud of all the hard work you’ve been doing! You have inspired me to get up off my lazy booty more than once.
I am a huge BL fan, too, and was SO proud of Daris for his amazing marathon and what he’s accomplished thus far. It really was heartbreaking to see those late-night eating episodes and to see the shame in his eyes. I really hope he succeeds. He’s come so far.
Weight is such an odd issue. I could write paragraphs upon paragraphs about why this might be the case, and how hurtful it is to focus on something which isn’t as cut and dry as many seem to believe. And don’t even get me started on MILs…
.-= Karianna´s last blog ..Bay to Breakers 12k =-.
When I watched Daris, when I saw him eating from the fridge at midnight, I felt like I was watching myself. It was both a welcome and unwelcome sight at the same time. Part of what I hate about the Biggest Loser is that they get to focus so exclusively on their weight loss. It doesn’t surprise me that some gain their weight back because they don’t deal with the underlying issues. People like Daris, people like me, we need something more than just exercise and eat right. We have an entire relationship with food that has to be changed. I hope he can do it because if he can it means that maybe I can, too. You know?
Amazing post. Truly. And such an issue for women of all ages. You are absolutely setting the right example for your children. My Mom was always telling me I was chubby growing up, and it hurt like hell. It also gave rise to a lot of completely unnecessary issues- I was a normal sized kid, but apparently not skinny enough by her standards. Having twin daughters, I think about body image issues all the time, and hope I can instill confidence and self esteem in my girls.
.-= jungletwins´s last blog ..Public School Woes =-.
I think unless you have struggled with food and weight issues, you don’t truly “get it.” At one point I was really in shape… now I’m not. I’m not making excuses, but it’s hard to get back into shape, especially with multiples. When I was pregnant I lost a lot of weight because I was so sick I couldn’t keep anything down. It was terrifying. Know what my MIL said? “Wow, you look nice and skinny.” I was heartbroken when Daris had a weight gain. I’ve been rooting for him for so many reasons. You could see the anguish on his face.
.-= Quadmama´s last blog ..Why Octomom and I Will Never Be Friends =-.
Thanks for sharing so honestly.
I turn to food, especially chocolate, for affection, but I’ve been blessed with a metabolism that can handle that. It’s a mixed blessing, of course, since I don’t have much reason to address the eating. Baking is therapy for me too; also not helpful.
It’s amazing I don’t have more body issues than I do. As soon as I hit 104 pounds, my mother started telling me I was fat, and buying me clothes two sizes too small that would “fit, when you lose the weight.” (Don’t get me wrong. I’ve got some serious body image issues; they just relate to things other than weight.)
.-= Sadia´s last blog ..The return of the Epic Tantrum =-.
Lucas suggests using a frying pan on your MIL for her comment about “young and skinny”.
I don’t recommend it.
.-= Sadia´s last blog ..The return of the Epic Tantrum =-.
It’s hard to read a post like this and all the comments as well. And it’s hard to know where the problem of girls having issues with weight gain and body image begin. For many of us, it’s a woman in our family- a mother, a grandmother- who, for whatever reason, feels it necessary to make hurtful comments that go right to the soul. And, of course, there’s the media with their constant bombardment of of hollywood icons to paint the unrealistic picture of what beautiful looks like.
Like you, I’m really just trying to present my kids with healthy meals (most of the time) and set a positive example with regular exercise without there being any focus on body image or weight gain or loss. I hope it’s enough to keep my kids from going down the same path of dissatisfaction that I, and so many others, seem to have traveled down for year. I hope…
.-= reanbean´s last blog ..Don’t Say Don’t =-.
I am so with you. I gave Daris my vote. While I respect Koli and what he has done, I recognize Daris’ struggle when he got home.
My nana used to always talk about weight. She would say how her son (my dad) got fat. I dressed in clothes too big when I would visit so she would think I lost weight regardless if it was the same or not. It is a hard thing to deal with.
I hear you! I do the same thing! I know I need to lose a 100 pounds – I did it before they were born (probably why I had twins) – but then all the struggles we went through after their early birth added weight (quickly!). While I go to the gym and workout, cook healthy food, and all that – the weight stays because of my indulgences – the “it’s been a crappy day so I’ll have ice cream” moments.
BUT – I never let the kids see that. We go to the gym, walk, and ride bikes to be healthy. And, for now, it’s all good – but I know in the not too distant future, they’ll be asked about their “fat” mom – and I wish they never had to deal with that.
Like the others – I hope!
Wow this really hit home with me. I watched the first season BL and never again. It hurt way too much to know what it’s like to be truly heavy in our thin-obsessed world.
I like everyone posting comments have some long struggle with weight. It took gastric bypass 5 years ago and loosing half of my body weight and I’m still not at the place I want to be. I really want to take the final step and have reconstructive p surgery to remove skin but only when I get to a weight I am happy with- currently about 70 more lbs to loose.Hence why at one month post partum I rejoined the gym this week and am going at night once kidos in bed even when I’m exhausted.
I could not agree more that I don’t want to pass on crappy eating habits or a lifelong battle with weight to my kids. As far as your MIL, what a sad comment and judgement to pass. I would say disregard it but I know better.
Hugs to you for being Honest about this
.-= heatherv´s last blog ..The Collective I Told You So =-.
I truly believe that food addiction is real and possible one of the hardest addictions to deal with – not that I have had to deal with other kinds of addiction. But with alcohol or drugs or gambling or whatever, you can avoid those things totally. It’s all gone from your life forever because if you started again, you may not be able to stop. Food isn’t like that, we kinda still need to eat. It’s like telling an alcoholic that in order to live, they had to have one beer every morning for the rest of their lives and then had to always stop at just that one beer. With food addiction you never get to forget about eating, it’s a battle every day, every meal. It sucks.
This post really resonates with me – I, too, have struggled with my weight my entire life, and I know that I always will. But I want to help my kids develop positive self-images and an accepting attitude about people in all shapes, sizes and walks of life. I want them to focus on a healthy lifestyle, and not how they look or how others look. Sharing stories and thoughts like these is a way for our generation to come up with better ways to parent and shape the next generation. Thanks for writing this, nicely done!
.-= Allison´s last blog ..Haaaaave you met Martin? =-.
OK, so first, major WTF re: your MIL. Who says stuff like that?!
Oh wait, actually, my parents do (or used to). They’ve always been very blunt about weight, and while I haven’t been on the receiving end of that specific criticism, I always felt the sting on my siblings’ behalf. (And certainly taken my own lumps in other departments.)
This was such a brave post — thank you sharing and I am here to support you on your journey. Though from my vantage point, you are kicking ass. I look forward to running next month with you.
-Christine
.-= Boston Mamas´s last blog ..Garden(ing) Party =-.
Awesome post, and it really speaks to me. I’m struggling with not passing on my issues with food to my kids, while my husband continues push them to eat. He’s never had a weight problem. It’s not in his skill set. I’m not sure I can teach him what it is like.
MIL’s are tough. Mine made comments about my size when I was pregnant, and I’ll never forget that.
.-= ClumberKim´s last blog ..10 Questions From Tara =-.
Liz–It’s really impressive that you can be so honest and open about such a personal issue, and putting these thoughts to paper (or to pixels) is so helpful. I’ve struggled with my weight for years, and while I love her, I know my mom is at the root of it. She took me from the breakfast table when I was 15, put me on a scale, and said, “How are we going to fix this?” I was about 136 then. Keep in mind this is a woman who has a Kashi bar for breakfast, a 100 calorie pack of Wheat Thins for lunch, and a huge dinner at the end of the day. Her doctor once told her that she should set a better eating example for her daughters, but mom insists we’re “fine.” I got to the point where I abused the Weight Watchers points system to get down to 114 in high school (I am 5’7), and she couldn’t praise me enough. It was intoxicating, but in the end, after years of insanely restricted dieting, I had enough.
It’s great that you’re working so hard for yourself and that you’re invested in stopping these messages about body image from getting to your kids. I babysit twice a week, and I try really hard not to talk about dieting in front of the girls. It’ll be a conscious effort on our part to change the message and how we talk about our bodies, so I really applaud you for taking those steps with your children.
You’re doing great work thus far. I appreciated your enthusiasm and cheers when I did Shredheads (I need to get back to that), and I swear I’m gonna go swimming one of these days, too.
-Cooley
ooh Liz, this is so good! you truly are awesome and inspiring.
Daris is one of my favorites. i do know that i don’t have the same issues but yet how could i judge him for slipping like that? i can’t. i believe a light went on when he made that plea and i want to believe that before the finale he has focused on recognizing and accepting this addiction. i voted for him too.
.-= laura´s last blog ..at my worst =-.
What a wonderful post. I love how honest you are about these issues. I will tell you that I think your MIL is, more than likely, ignorant about setting up issues with weight. It’s probably just something she talks about with friends/family and doesn’t realize the consequences of it. I think it’s very wise to talk with her to nip it in the bud now.
I also agree with erk to read anything Geneen Roth has written. I am doing that now to get to the root of why I eat like Daris and sabotage myself. http://www.amazon.com/s/ref=nb_sb_ss_c_1_11?url=search-alias%3Dstripbooks&field-keywords=geneen+roth&sprefix=geneen+roth
Krissy’s comments made me cry…in a healthy way. Her comments were beautiful.
Well said! I have similar issues but over the last 8 months have really changed my life–but it is a constant battle–my new Mantra is “you can’t out excercise what you eat” which to me means exercising is great and necessary but in it impossible (for me–mom of three) to exercise it all away–so I have to control what I eat to have sucess.
As far as MIL I would call and let her know how you feel so you don’t have to have it out in front of the kids next time she opens her mouth and inserts her foot. Good luck!
With regards to your MIL, I think the way women talk about and view their bodies, especially around kids, has very much changed for the better over the years. I don’t know your MIL and she may very well being a not-so-pleasant lady, but I also think the older generation has the mentality we have when it comes to being proactive about helping our kids (especially our daughters) have positive body images. I commend you for everything you’re doing. Maybe you and M can talk about what the best way to approach this topic with your MIL would be so that she starts to help rather than hurt the cause. Good luck!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Emilia’s First Self-Portrait =-.
I meant to say the older generation DOESN’T have the mentality our generation does.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Emilia’s First Self-Portrait =-.
I get it too. It’s a mental thing. I’m trying to turn my thinking around, but it’s hard to stop anything cold turkey. Thank you for this wonderful post. I voted for Daris as well!
I grew up with very overweight parents and grandparents. Though I could stand to lose I few pounds, I do not have the same issues. What matters most, and what you will give your children regardless of your weight, is a fantastic example of honest introspection and self-awareness, something the previous generation was completely lacking. Cudos to your honesty.
I tried explaining this to coworkers today at school (Daris graduated from our school). They just didn’t get it. I wish I had had this post for them to read–you all said it so well.
“It felt like I was voting for me.”
Right on!
I’m thinking you should “audition” (or whatever it is you do to try to get on the show) for that new show “Losing it with Jillian.” You’d be awesome!
.-= Tara´s last blog ..School’s Out for the Summer….School’s Out Forever (well, kind of) =-.