I’m doing this month-long photo workshop through Big Picture Classes called “Picture Fall.” Every morning, we get an email with a prompt for that day’s photo assignment. Our Day 5 prompt was “little reminders.” It was about self-talk, reminding ourselves of what’s important, what we hope to do, how we hope to act, that sort of thing. Most especially, people were taking pictures of words. And if we didn’t have something hanging around, we were certainly welcome to write out our own reminders. I spent the morning trying to think of what my reminder was, or what I wanted it to be. And, ultimately, I wrote a note and took this picture.
I was thinking about what kinds of feedback I give my kids, and how that feedback is creating their self-image. Most especially, I was thinking of Daniel. He’s my more challenging kid, I can’t pretend otherwise. No matter how many times I tell him not to, he still wants to put things into the floor grates, or climb where it’s not safe, or any number of other things he’s not supposed to do. He dawdles, he gets distracted, he is randomly defiant, he gets disproportionately upset if something is not done precisely to his specific (and unspoken) desires. And so I get tired and cranky and I correct and I yell and I send him to time out. And then I stop and think: how many negative things did I say to my son today? How many positive? Are those two numbers anywhere near what I want them to be?
I’m not trying to flog myself for being a horrible parent. This job is really, really hard, and we all have times that we don’t do as well as we want. But I have to try to do better. While I don’t want to over-praise for non-accomplishments (yes, I read Nurtureshock), I don’t want my children to think of themselves as incapable, bad, wrong, or anything else, and I certainly don’t want to ever be the one who sends that message. The challenges get a lot of airtime here, maybe because it’s somehow more compelling to write about the really hard parts. And honestly, do you have any interest in reading post after post about how my children are geniuses and kind and did I mention darn cute? Please, that gets old.
But they are. My children are amazing people. They are funny and wonderful and kind and polite and smart. And yes, darn cute, too. Yes, I have high expectations for them, behavior-wise and otherwise. But I don’t ever want them to think that I don’t adore them, to infinity and back again. I don’t want them to wonder if I’m proud of them for exactly who they are, not who I wish they were. I wish for my kids to be exactly the wonderful people I already know (with, maybe, a little more self-control on the floor grate thing).
I’ve been reading about the “It Gets Better” project, and my heart breaks with every single video I watch. (If you haven’t seen Tim Gunn’s, I defy you to watch and not tear up.) I’m not sure I even have the words. These kids, these teenagers. Every day is a struggle, of trying to figure out who you are, what you’re about. A struggle against being called names, beat up, and tormented in ways I didn’t even imagine when I was in high school. And for some, it gets so bad that they withdraw, they retreat into destructive behaviors, drugs, or worse. They find it so awful, they decide life isn’t worth living anymore.
Please. Please let my kids get the message that they are always safe with me. Please let them always know that I will go to bat for them. That I will give every fiber of my being to keep them safe. That I will always love them. That, while I will be picky over their boyfriends and girlfriends, that is only because I expect them to treat and be treated with respect and honor and love and dignity, not because I give a crap about that person’s gender, race, religion, or anything else. That I always, always think that they are deserving of respect, and that I expect them to show the same respect to others.
Am I getting ahead of myself, worrying about the struggles of LGBT teens when what I’ve got at home is a pair of mischievous three-year-olds? Maybe. But maybe not. It all starts now, doesn’t it? It’s never too early to instill a sense of self-worth, that who you are is good and appreciated and unconditionally loved, even if we still have to enforce boring 3-year-old rules. It’s never too early to teach our children to be kind and respectful, and to do so in large part by demonstrating kindness and respect to them. It’s never too early to make my kids feel safe enough that they know they can always come to me.
Maybe I’m going off the rails a little bit. Maybe the pregnancy hormones are getting the best of me, and I should step away from the internet (and Glee last night, holy cow). But sometimes we have to stand up and say out loud what we believe.
I believe my kids are amazing, and I always want them to know how much I value them, and that I will always love them and stand up for them and their rights.
I believe my kids, and all people for that matter, should feel safe and cared for. At the forefront of my mind today, that means I want them to feel safe if they discover/acknowledge/feel/etc. that they are L/G/B/T.
I believe my kids, and all people for that matter, should be able to find love, regardless of gender or race or any other demographic checkbox. I want them to be able to do so without fear.
Is that really so much to ask?
Beautiful post, my friend. Great food for thought!
You know I loved this picture in class and I love it now, too. I think you hit on a key point, it does all start now. My son now says for me, “I know, you love me, but you don’t always love the things that I do.” I hope that means he understands what that means.
Beautifully said. May we be the safe harbor for our children, always.
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I, too, fear that I am turning Sebastian into the bad one. Lately, I have been trying very hard remark on all the “good” things he does – asks for something with words, shares with his sister, plays with his toys nicely, keeps trying things that are hard for him, waiting his turn, etc. But I so often feel like I can’t give him all he needs. I think to myself, “if it were only him, I might be able to do this right…” – but he has always had to share me and that won’t change ever. For me, that’s my biggest challenge. I get frustrated with juggling two toddlers and I send him the message that he is a PITA or “bad” which isn’t true, of course.
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Favorite
Post
Ever.
And that says a lot because I think all your posts rock. You pretty much summed up my deepest thoughts on being a parent.
And let me say, getting away to Vegas was exactly what I needed to have the patience I have been missing lately. Parenting is so much easier with some rest and time away. REAL time away.
PS.I had to delete Glee from my tivo season pass. They killed me with Finn’s version of Losing My Religion.
1- Finn <<<<< Michael Stipe. Don't cover a song unless you can SING IT.
2 – You CAN NOT cover a song on a tv show that was used in an iconic way on another tv show. Losing My Religion will always be the Brendan/Dylan breakup song in the car on the beach on 90201. Ryan Murphy knows that. It's like he's trying to personally piss me off.
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Really great post. This basically sums up my hopes for my parenting. Hearing all of these stories recently just makes me so sad…I don’t want my kids to ever feel not loved or not special or all alone.
I think you are right, the foundation starts now and I hope that I am doing the right things for them.
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thank you for this post. You’re talking about such important things, how to make kids feel valued and loved and safe and listened to. I try to think of disciplining as another way of making them feel those things, just the less fun part of it than telling them how great they are.
And I’m glad I’m not the only parenting battling the floor grate as an irresistible toddler temptation!
Great post. With all the bullying craziness that is going on, the L/G/B/T issues, etc, I’ve been thinking a lot about my kids as they grow. I was just saying to my husband the other night that I just hope that my kids all feel safe coming to my husband and I to talk about the different issues that they will face. No matter what challenges in life they face, I always hope that they know that we love them and will always be there for them. I only hope that I send this message always no matter what they do in life, from toddlerhood into adulthood.
I didn’t convey things the best. You did a much better job than I did.
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I am making my husband read this one. So on the mark — I have this constant internal battle with myself on the big picture and the trials of twin 3 year olds. When I see how much they have learned from us as parents thus far intrinsically, it makes me step back and think about the long term effect of all the now explicit confrontations. They are perceptive little beings; the words have their effect, but so does what is behind them. Thanks for voicing this so well.
thanks so much for such a thought provoking post. i often think “am i spending too much time with M today? have i hugged T enough?” they’re only one, but it is so clear that they are already absorbing so much from us. i really want to be a positive influence and let them know that they are always safe with me.
do you recommend nurtureshock?
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Instilling a sense of self worth is so very important. I, too, hope my son knows that he can come to me and talk about ANYTHING.
Since my son has special needs, he’s already getting picked on and bullied. At 7 yrs old.
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Just wanted to add to the chorus. I love most of the things you write, but I HAD to be sure to comment on this one. I have the same struggle – discipline, getting through routines, etc. versus making sure that the overall message is one of love and self-esteem. A very tricky balance, yet probably the most important thing to get right as a parent. Thank you for the inspiration; you really touched me.
Liz, I’ve started reading this post 6 or 7 times, and stopped because I knew it was one I wanted to savour, without a zillion things pulling at my attention. So here I am, commenting on a Friday night.
My husband felt safe with his parents. I did not. I think that shaped us hugely, and I was fortunate to be able to find parents, true parents, in my in-laws. I want my children to be more like Lucas – secure in the knowledge of their worth, able to relate to his parents as people now that he’s grown.
Of course, we hope that what comes is for the best.
I’m honoured to consider myself a friend to such a thoughtful, committed mother as you.
(On a tangential note, my daughters are undoubtedly straight; Jessica’s been engaged to five different boys so far this year. Still, it gives me a little shiver of joy every time I hear my Catholic soldier husband say, “our girls’ future husbands or wives”, because I know that he is beside me in being prepared to keep our hearts open, no matter what comes. I just wish that soldiers who are against Don’t Ask Don’t Tell could speak out without fear of career repercussions.)
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