A huge part of my life is outside of my control right now. I can’t actively do anything to get Eleanor home any faster. Any progress she makes, or setbacks she has, are her own. The conditions of her release from the hospital, and the timeline for that release, are not up to me. We are really no closer to any kind of diagnosis for her, nor do I have any kind of prognosis for what her (and, by extension, my) life will be like as she grows.
Life is, in large part, on hold. Friends and family are starting to talk summer plans, and I don’t feel like I have any idea what to put on the schedule, or what kinds of commitments I can make. It’s frustrating, for a planner like me. It’s hard not to have any idea what’s coming in the next few months, or what my constraints will be.
For now, we have a tentative, temporary “normal.” Ellie was transferred back to our local hospital to wait out the next few weeks before she has another swallow study downtown. The transit time for visiting her is a fraction of the commute we’ve had for the last few weeks, which opens up quite a bit more flexibility in my day (well, around pumping and visiting and preschool and naps… it’s all relative).
So, dammit, I am going to exercise. I jumped back on the Shredheads bandwagon and am doing the April Ripped in 30 Challenge. I snapped my (fairly horrifying) before pictures, I stepped on the scale. Yes, I’m only five weeks postpartum. But I have been itching to get back to real exercise for my entire pregnancy. I waited two years last time. Not again. After two days, my legs are so sore I can barely walk up the stairs. But it will get better.
I also went to a local running store and got fitted for a new pair of shoes. Couch-to-5K, I am coming back. I want to run a 5K this summer, and my big goal is to run a 10K in October.
I know plenty of you are rolling your eyes and shaking your head and calling me insane. It’s true. I probably am, a little. But this is one of the few areas of my life where I can grab hold and take control. I want this. I want it badly. I need to get physically strong again. I need it for me, and I need to be that person for my kids.