A huge part of my life is outside of my control right now. I can’t actively do anything to get Eleanor home any faster. Any progress she makes, or setbacks she has, are her own. The conditions of her release from the hospital, and the timeline for that release, are not up to me. We are really no closer to any kind of diagnosis for her, nor do I have any kind of prognosis for what her (and, by extension, my) life will be like as she grows.
Life is, in large part, on hold. Friends and family are starting to talk summer plans, and I don’t feel like I have any idea what to put on the schedule, or what kinds of commitments I can make. It’s frustrating, for a planner like me. It’s hard not to have any idea what’s coming in the next few months, or what my constraints will be.
For now, we have a tentative, temporary “normal.” Ellie was transferred back to our local hospital to wait out the next few weeks before she has another swallow study downtown. The transit time for visiting her is a fraction of the commute we’ve had for the last few weeks, which opens up quite a bit more flexibility in my day (well, around pumping and visiting and preschool and naps… it’s all relative).
So, dammit, I am going to exercise. I jumped back on the Shredheads bandwagon and am doing the April Ripped in 30 Challenge. I snapped my (fairly horrifying) before pictures, I stepped on the scale. Yes, I’m only five weeks postpartum. But I have been itching to get back to real exercise for my entire pregnancy. I waited two years last time. Not again. After two days, my legs are so sore I can barely walk up the stairs. But it will get better.
I also went to a local running store and got fitted for a new pair of shoes. Couch-to-5K, I am coming back. I want to run a 5K this summer, and my big goal is to run a 10K in October.
I know plenty of you are rolling your eyes and shaking your head and calling me insane. It’s true. I probably am, a little. But this is one of the few areas of my life where I can grab hold and take control. I want this. I want it badly. I need to get physically strong again. I need it for me, and I need to be that person for my kids.
Bring it.
I say good for you. Maybe I can get myself motivated enough to get in shape too. You are inspiring me!
Amy recently posted..Way Back When-esday- March 2008
Exercise is something you can control right now and something that will make you feel better about “yourself”. I hope your family gets some insight soon on Ellie as I know the Nicu time is sooo hard and so is life when its outta parents control. Thinking of you. Run Liz Run!!
I have the ultimate confidence that you can do this – and this way you will be even stronger to do what Ellie needs you to do. I hate not having control, too, but I love that you are turning it into something that you CAN control. Best of luck!
I know how out of control your life can feel when you have a baby in the NICU. It will get better, I promise! One of my twins were in the NICU for over 6 wks with “suck, swallow, breathe” problems. Each week it seemed like two steps forward and one back. One day though, he was able to coordinate it all and has been doing great ever since. Ellie will be the same, I’m sure of it!
Hang in there, Liz. Sorry I’ve been lurking and not commenting – keeping up with you and Ellie and saying prayers. And btw, not rolling my eyes at all about the 5k thing – makes complete sense to me. It’s all about control, baby, and this is one thing you CAN control.xoxo.
Good for you, go get em!
amanda recently posted..Mess Makers
I’m really glad you posted this Liz. It is some semblance of control and likely the energy boost will help you keep some sanity.
Making exercise a daily commitment saved me last summer. I cannot tell you how much stress I took out (and still do) working out. I would give up any other personal activity I have sans kids just to get exercise on my list.
Rock those running goals, you will get your grove back before you know it. Lots of good thoughts for a good week for Baby E.
heather v recently posted..All the way to the Final Four Baby!
Wow, certainly not rolling my eyes or shaking my head. In fact, I am cheering you on while wishing I had half the strength you do. I can’t relate to you as a Mom, but in a totally non-stalker way I’ve felt connected to you since Little E’s arrival.
On and off for the last five years, one medical nightmare after another has taken control of my life forcing me (and my Mother) to become spectators in my own life.
Only within the past 2 months have I finally (seemingly) resolved the latest medical mystery. While I have come to accept the medical stuff is out of my control, I am struggling to figure out the rest of my life.
Thank you for posting this, I’ve found it very inspiring. While I can’t even imagine participating in a 5k anything, I too am desperately trying to get back some of the control I lost along the way.
You and E continue to be in my thoughts, and I am hoping for the very best.
Megan
Megan recently posted..Prentiss- I can walk Morgan- Sit I like pushing you
Hey- whatever helps! And I’m impressed- I cannot run to save my soul. I remember being so frustrated by not having the control in the NICU situation with my girls. I had all these persuasive speeches in my head to pitch to the doctors about why they should discharge my babies immediately, but most of those arguments stayed in my head. In the end, I opted for a “dress for success” strategy, thinking that if they looked like very well dressed full-term babies, they’d be sent home early. I remember one Neonatologist saying, “They’re the best dressed babies in the NICU!” and they were released soon after. I don’t my strategy had any actually effect- but it made me feel like I had some control.
jungletwins recently posted..The Family Bed
Not crazy at all. Very, very sane and grounded and clear, you are. We have utter confidence in you.
Best.
Susan McKey recently posted..Bottled Rainbows!
Definitely not rolling my eyes, good for you! Stay strong! Sending thoughts of good health.
Go for it! Hooray for strong moms. Hooray that Ellie is now closer to home. Hang in there. I think about you all the time and am going to glom onto your motivation and start Couch-to-5K.
Pam recently posted..Show Me the Mommy
I think it’s great you’re doing this for yourself, and I am feeling very inspired myself!
After rolling my eyes and shaking my head, I’m willing to say, “you go, Girl!” Make us shredheads proud!
Kami recently posted..04-04-04
AWESOME! Good luck! I’m 1/3 of the way through P90X but I am dying to see how everyone does with Ripped in 30!
Liz, I don’t think you’re insane (then again, I’m kind of addicted to the endorphin rush after working out!). I COMPLETELY understand the need to exercise control (pun intended) over some aspect of your life. You go! You can do it! I’ll be cheering you on from afar.
Beverly recently posted..Catching Up
Ripped in 30 just arrived at my house, too!
Good for you! I can totally relate to your goals. You can do it!
Thinking of your family all the time, Liz! Good for you for getting back into the habit- you deserve some self-pampering!
Good for you!I wish you all the best while your daughter is in the hospital. I don’t really remember if I got on my yoga mat before my babies were out of the NICU. I think it was after one got home. You said it though – it was my time, and a way to be in control of something. Of course it is not easy to take that time for yourself with so much stress and so many things to take care of…good luck and hope you are enjoying the runs!
Natasha recently posted..My not so controlled- not so scientific experiment
You are AWESOME. And such a huge, huge inspiration. Keep at it, Mama!
Kate (This Place is Now a Home) recently posted..She Says… An Accident Waiting to Happen
i started running not too long ago and have mastered the 5k, but i’ve secretly always had the goal of running a 10k just to prove i can. but i never set a deadline or had enough motivation to push through. so guess what – i’m doing it with you. 10K BY OCTOBER. FOR ELEANOR!! me and you, we’ll do it!
Carl recently posted..Lets Bounce!
the thing about life with a infant or child with chronic, ongoing medical issues is there does seem to be so little we can control. It totally sucks for parents who are planners, I know.
I believe you jumping back into the running and the shredding is the very best thing for you because it is something you can control. It isn’t going to fix Eleanor’s issues or bring her home sooner but it is huge for you to wrest back some control so you can face whatever this adventure with Eleanor brings you.
laura recently posted..getting ripped