I just cannot figure out what this kid needs.
Ellie alternates between being a really solid sleeper and a really horrible one. Sometimes she’ll fall asleep, totally on her own, unswaddled. Sometimes she’ll sleep comfortably, for hours, all wrapped up.
And then, she doesn’t. The hands will flail and get so crazy, whipping her up into an overtired frenzy. She wants her hands in her mouth, but then she’ll gag herself on them. She yanks on her ear, grabs handfuls of hair, pokes herself in the eye, and generally seems like she’s trying to claw her own face off. But then the swaddle makes her SO MAD. She can wiggle her arms out of any standard swaddle in seconds, whether pulled tight with a big muslin blanket or velcro-ed in with a sleep sack. And even the famed uber-swaddle is a no-go. She literally spends all night furiously raging against it, and eventually manages to get an arm out. And then the face-clawing begins anew.
M and I spend the whole night trying to find the sweet spot. If she’s fighting the swaddle, sometimes you’ll unwrap her and she’ll pass out in under a minute. If she’s making herself crazy with unruly arms, sometimes you can swaddle her and she calms right down. You can do the bouncing and shushing thing from Happiest Baby on the Block and it will soothe the savage beast, or you can rock her and it’s like you’re pouring gas on the fire. And either way, 20 or 45 or 90 minutes later, she’s awake and you have to take yet another guess as to what will work this time.
It’s these things that make me feel like a rookie all over again. I’m at a loss to figure out how to get her to sleep better (we’ve got a day/night organization problem, as well). I’m forever giving people advice about sleep, but here I am, struggling like anyone else. Sure, the benefit of experience has me more likely to sit and wait to intervene, to see if she’ll settle herself instead of further revving her engine by picking her up too quickly. But still, I feel clueless much of the time. As soon as I think I might have figured out a trick, the next time it doesn’t work.
Some of our unique Ellie circumstances don’t help. While she’s over three months old, I’ve only had her home for four weeks. My knowledge of her cues and needs is still in the early stages. The fact that she is fed via g-tube takes feeding and hunger out of the sleep equation in a very strange way. Overnight, for instance, she is fed continuously at a very slow rate. So she’s neither hungry nor full, and doesn’t need to wake up to eat. But I also can’t use bottle- or breastfeeding as a soothing technique.
I know she’s too young to try to push a true nap schedule, or to do any real cry-it-out sleep training. I know I need to work on implementing a consistent bedtime routine. I can’t decide whether to limit her daytime sleep – while I’m a staunch believer in “sleep begets sleep,” sometimes she takes epic afternoon naps lasting 3-4 hours, and I wonder if that’s interfering with nighttime sleep.
Leave it to a new baby to make a know-it-all mom of twins feel like a brand-new rookie all over again.
I am so sorry that things couldn’t just be easy for you guys. You’re already trying all of my tricks, which didn’t work too well for me either this time around.
Olive is a not so great sleeper and a terrible “scream for hours with no explanation” kind of baby. Sometimes a nice warm bath is the ONLY thing that will settle her down.
Good luck and you’ll be in my thoughts.
I hear ya! I emailed you for tips about my LO’s sleeping and even though we tried the uberswaddle, it seemed like NOTHING would work! (I spent the first 3 months on the couch with her on my chest during the night). Turns out, our LO is actually a definite belly sleeper. I don’t know if that’s even a possibility for Ellie, though.
Hang in there – you’re a great momma and you’ll both get it figured out soon!
I think this is why babies don’t come with instruction manuals. If they did, you’d expect that if you did whatever the manual said, you’d get whatever result that action was suppose to bring. But so much of parenting (especially in the early months) is all on the job learning. You try something, and maybe it works, maybe it doesn’t. Or maybe it works once, but then not the next 10 times. Fortunately, you know how it’s all going to play out eventually. So while it may be puzzling and frustrating now, you do know and can believe that it will get better. Good luck with your little puzzler. Hopefully you’ll get her figured out soon.
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I am no help in this area. My twins have been great sleepers, but with Michael, even at 3 we still have issues with him going to sleep. Thankfully we have gotten him to mostly sleep through the night with just little bits of waking and just needing a short soothing touch. I know it isn’t easy, but I’m sure you will figure it out soon. Like Becky said, you’re a great mom!
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What if this is one of those things where there is no solution, despite all your experience? She’s mad and she’ll be bad swaddled or unswaddled, shushed or unshushed, and all you can do is hang on for the ride and keep thinking, this too shall pass!
We brought our third home after the twins and I was sure nothing could be as tough as those nights the first few months, of sleep in 90 minute increments and a colicky baby off schedule from the non colicky baby. And really, it wasn’t as tough, but he didn’t sleep train easily and was up much more frequently than each of the twins had been individually and has remained a much earlier riser than they ever were. So, as you know, you can’t rest on your twin laurels.
But as you also point out, you’ll get to know her better (and then she’ll change) and she’ll settle and you’ll gain more wisdom to pass on to the next generation of mom’s with sleep troubled babies. We all thank you for your trial by fire! And my thoughts are with you and Ellie and the whole family as you learn this new person with new challenges.
Erika
sorry she won’t be ‘bad’ swaddled, but ‘mad’! She’ll never be bad!
Since I am always looking to you for advice, not sure I have any words of wisdom. Maybe her tube is bothering her at times? All I know is that L finally started “sleeping” when we had the white noise machine on all night and we switched from swaddling to a sleep sack, which seemed to be a compromise. But in your case, it may be more time than anything else that you and she need. In the interim, at least we are all here for you. And I am happy to bring you coffee.
So true! I felt this way when I had Josephine. Frankly, we didn’t get a good groove going until 5-6 months (which I guess is true with Ned and Penny) and I couldn’t bring myself to doing CIO (despite telling everyone I would at FOUR months this time since she was a “singleton” after all). So she started sleeping through the night at 8 months when we bunked her with Penny. I do love the white noise machine though – have you tried that? Also helps the crying. Also, can she do a pacifier? Even if she can’t eat maybe she can suck on something? Good luck, we all know it DOES get better which is why we put ourselves through it!
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How frustrating it must be for you!
Lucy gave up her swaddle at the 3-month mark – she fought it even though she needed it before then, but when she hit 3 months, it was over and we went the sleepsack route cold turkey – she was not into the one-arm thing. As it turns out, she’s a belly/side sleeper so that was part of the issue.
Reflux also affected Lucy’s sleep big time – do you have a crib wedge (you could also place a rolled towel under one end)? She might need to be a little elevated – that doesn’t help once she starts rolling, but before then it seemed to help Lucy quite a bit. Lucy was not a big spitter so it was hard to diagnose but as it turned out, a lot of her issues had to do with reflux and once she was on hardcore meds, the sleep issues resolved themselves. I’m not sure how Ellie’s surgery impacts her reflux – is it possible something is still coming up a bit despite the low quantity going straight into her tummy? Not sure how that all works, but that’s my only thought. Good luck!!!
I do think the feeding situation puts you at a disadvantage – feeding was always my best solution to calm my babies down after swaddling. Mine would often fight the swaddle, but if I could get them to forget about it, it was definitely the best way for a long sleep stretch, even up to 5-6 months or so…
The only other suggestion I have is that crying and CIO are not exactly the same thing. CIO is not for little babies because you need to be there for them and attentive to their needs (but the need to feed during the night would be the #1 thing, which is not your case). As long as you think Ellie’s crying is not pain-related and just frustration/fussiness about settling to sleep, try to let go of the feeling that you need to “do” something. Hold her or pat her, but let her cry and see what happens. Easier said than done I know (and none of mine were the type to cry for hours), but like eating, potty, etc. there really is only so much we can do as parents!
The poor thing she’s been through so much in her short life. Hang in there. Our twins didn’t sleep through the night until 5 months old. Our singleton daughter was 7 months before she slept through the night. The universe is trying to show you how all children are different. Keep trying to figure out what can make her comfortable.
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