My four-year-olds are obsessed with death. It’s more than a little disconcerting.
Who even knows how it first came up. I know at one point we were at a stoplight, waiting for a funeral procession to go by, and the kids asked about the flags on the cars. I said something about the people in the cars knowing someone who died, and from that point on, it was all “do we know someone who died?” “When can we know someone who died?” “I know who died! Nana.” It was all alarmingly nonchalant.
I have no idea what line to walk on this one. We’ve done our best to sort of explain what death means, talking about bodies not working any more, and that you don’t get to see that person again, etc.. I want to convey that it’s something serious, not something to joke about, something permanent. But I also know that death is a part of life and all that, so I don’t want to make Death something more scary and sad than is necessary.
For a while, the kids got it in their heads that people died when they turned 100. Daniel temporarily freaked out and said he wanted to stop having birthdays so he wouldn’t get to 100. Thankfully, that one passed relatively quickly. Now, we’ve moved on to “when I die” as an expression of forever. “He’s my friend, and he’s going to be my friend until we die.”
Honestly, it gives me a start every time it works its way into conversation. And, as four-year-olds will do, it comes up at the most random times. blah blah miscellaneous mashup story of preschool and tv shows WHEN I DIE. And then I jump and try not to look too alarmed.
As with anything at this age, I kind of just try to acknowledge and move on, answer a question if it’s asked, stay as matter-of-fact as I can about it. And cross my fingers that the fixation passes soon. And hope that the only first-hand knowledge of death that my kids have for a very long time is the unfortunate bird we came across on a walk last week.
Oh, I’ll never hear the end of that poor, dead bird.
I know this is just one of those developmental phases, as the kids get older and start becoming more aware of life and death around them. They seem to be doing just fine, absorbing bits and pieces on their own level, no major anxiety attached to it. But I won’t complain when we move on to other things for a little while.
It really must be an age thing, because Trajan talks about death as well. And also had the 100 conception somehow.
The first time the word death came up was last winter when we were trying to make a stillbirth make sense to him. We had been confusing him for seven weeks when it suddenly struck me that he knew a friend’s dog had died that falll and so I tried using the phrase “Aurelia died.” I will always remember the moment. We were in the drive-thru at the pharmacy picking up my prescriptions after I got discharged. After I said that, he responded with a , “my sister is dead? She died?!? I don’t want my sister to be dead.” He would have been a bit shy of 3.5 then, and definitely knew the word.
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My girls have been talking about it for a couple of monthss, and they have just turned 3. Exactly that way: mention it here and there, a dead bug, a dead bird, the neighbor’s dog, the witch in a story. And then a week ago, they were virtually crying to me at bedtime “mommy, I don’t want to die!”. They had said it before and I had managed to brush it off with “you are too young, don’t worry about it” and such, but this time we went deep and philosophical, I had to explain what would happen in their lives – growing up, work, kids, etc. – and that they would grow old (“But I don’t waaant to grow old!!!”), that they would be happy to have grandchildren, like their grandma is. And that as we grow older, dying may not be so scary anymore (it is not for me, at least…). Then it got worse because they wanted to know if Grandma was going to die, and I had to say yes. And if she was not afraid of dying, and I said that she missed Grandpa very much and she believed she would meet him after she died, so she was not too afraid. I also told them most people believe we go to a very beautiful and good place after we die, with all the people we love.
Well, they have not talked much about it since. I’m scared. Someday they will realize not only old people die, that will be hard…
My boys had that phase and the hardest part was their lack of sadness when talking about me and Jon dying. Now we’re on to crazier things!
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