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Conversation in the car on the way home from preschool the other day:
Me: So, Daniel, what did you do in school today?
D: I did my journal. [As far as I can tell, they have a set of lined paper and are welcome to write whatever strikes their four-year-old fancy.]
Me: Oh, really? What did you write?
D: I wrote: “Me and Becca don’t want to die.”
Me: mouth agape, stunned silence
D: Well, what I wanted to write was “Me and Becca don’t want to die until we’re 100,” but I ran out of space, so I wrote “Me and Becca don’t want to die.”
W. T. F.?
I have mentioned this strange fixation on death before, and you can see it has not exactly gone away. Daniel, especially, is sticking with it (and the idea that people die at age 100, which I’m not sure how to debunk in either direction). I would say it comes up at least a few times a week, most often in a totally nonchalant way. It’s really getting under my skin, and yet I am at a total loss about what to do with it.
My gut reaction is that he doesn’t seem to be expressing any real anxiety over this idea. My default stance is a sort of non-reaction, maybe in the hopes that if I don’t overreact and draw extra attention and allure to the topic, it’ll eventually fade. But maybe I should try to talk to him about it in case he actually is concerned? I don’t even know where I’d begin, frankly.
Weird death thing aside, I will say that Daniel is otherwise your typical precocious preschooler. Generally happy, totally flighty and distractable, sometimes bent completely out of shape by the color of his fork. He’s a bright and inquisitive kid, which maybe means he’s digesting this information a little more thoroughly than his emotional maturity can handle, but otherwise is not a particularly anxious or stressed kid.
And, no, I actually haven’t gotten a call from his teacher about this. I get a call about Santa, but not about “me and Becca don’t want to die.” I can’t tell if that’s a good sign (as in, she’s been teaching preschoolers for 25 years and is totally unfazed) or what.
What say you, moms of the internets? Is this just one of those strange developmental things, an obsession that will pass with time? Or is this starting to cross a line and warrants a little TLC before he goes all morbid on me?
My son, who’s five, seems to be going through this now. He asks a lot of questions about dying, like, what happens to your body when you die, does your skin fall off, what about your bones, what about teeth? Yesterday, he asked me what happens if a baby die? I was floored by this question but answered it as honest as possible (which was really hard because I didn’t want to freak him out) and said, yes, sometimes that does happen and when it does, it’s very very sad. He didn’t ask me any more questions after that but I know more will come up in the next day or two. I think what you’re doing with Daniel seems perfectly fine – be honest and not make it big deal. I think it’s a phase that all kids go through since they’re naturally curious and death is a really hard concept to get. I think they just keep asking questions until is makes sense in their brains. Good luck with the questions, I’ll be glad when this phase is over!
A has said similar things: “I want do die when you die.” “I don’t want to die alone.” I ask her why and it’s usually because she doesn’t want to be alone and/or she’s afraid of dying. I just try to explain that there’s nothing to be afraid of, etc. and that she doesn’t need to worry about any of it for a very long time (as I knock wood). And since we’re religious, we talk about heaven and how when she/we die there won’t be anything to be afraid of up there.
Mostly I try not to make a big deal about any of it but be honest about any questions she asks and/or acknowledge any feelings she has about it.
It’s tough, but it seems like a normal phase to me.
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I have two four year olds, and we have luckily avoided this for the most part so far. Luckily because I am terrified myself of how I can possibly have a calm conversation about me or them dying, and the inevitability of it, without freaking out and making things worse. But from what I’ve heard, it’s pretty common for them to be fascinated, and to say things out of the blue that make their parents uncomfortable. I think what you’re describing sounds normal, albeit disconcerting.
My kids talk about death ALL THE TIME. Graveyards, caskets, funeral homes, the whole 9 yards. Honestly doesn’t bother me because we had to explain to them this summer that their great-grandfather was very sick and was maybe going to die (he didn’t!).
I think it is perfectly normal and I don’t shy away from it. I answer as best as I can and reassure them that I an neither afraid to die, and we talk a lot about heaven.
I think honesty in terms of answering questions and not giving it too much attention is probably the way to go. My kid’s not there yet so I’m only guessing this is just a phase and pretty normal based on the fact that I’ve never seen a goth kindergartener. I don’t think that kind of fascination comes until they’re old enough to read Twilight
I think it’s the age of the kids and the age we live in. My Middle Child was more focused on it than the oldest ever was, but more real-life illnesses and deaths of relatives took place when he was a preschooler, so it was his norm. They are also more cut and dry about issues, so clarify why he is talking about it. Sometimes a classmate losing a grandparent becomes the talk on the playground.
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I think it’s relatively normal. Jess thinks about death a lot, and I think it simply reflects an empathic personality and a curiosity about the mysterious. Daniel doesn’t appear to be anything other a happy little boy, so I wouldn’t worry. That being said, my childhood obsession with death resulted in suicidal thoughts. My first attempt was at age 8. I think that, for some kids, a preoccupation with death can be a concern, but with D it sounds like a reflection of his love of life.
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Our fun conversations with Michael on the topic of death started when he was 4. The worst was when he heard that a pregnant woman had been killed on the radio and asked what happened to babies if their mommies died when they were pregnant. I’ve found that just being honest with him and expressing that it can be sad seems to meet his needs without freaking him out. And, I’ve kind of let the “people live until their 100″ thing go by without commenting on it. They’ll figure it out in time.
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I think the fact that your son is otherwise happy and healthy speaks volumes. Death is so hard to conceptualize at this age. You are doing a fantastic job!
I know you mentioned that he doesn’t seem like an anxious child in general, but does your son seem to have a lot of anxiety about the topic of death/dying in particular? Do you think he’s talking about death out of curiosity and thirst for knowledge, or out of fear and worry? Some parents buy goldfish so that they can broach the topic of death in a natural, yet sort of distant way (it might help if his first experience with death is not death of a person). Perhaps that might be something to explore?
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