He asks, “Mommy, why
aren’t your mom and dad married
to each other?” Oof.
Five years, three months, and two weeks. That’s how long it took for one of my kids to ask about my parents’ divorce. Just to make it more interesting, he asked me completely out of the blue, while putting on his jacket to walk out the door, with my dad. No, that’s not awkward at all, why do you ask?
My stomach lurched. I didn’t want to blow off the question, but I really wasn’t going to get into it at that moment. I think I said something like, “you know, buddy, that is an excellent question, but it’s a little complicated. I’ll have to tell you about it later.” And out they went to miniature golf.
They’ve always known the variety of their grandparents, who lives with whom, and which two are my mom and dad. But suddenly, he realized something was amiss. How do all of these things fit together? I am sure that the responsible thing to do is to get proactive about this. He’s made the connection, it’s going to come back up. I probably shouldn’t wait for him to ask again and catch me off guard, but try to sit down and explain it as best I can.
So, how the hell do I do that? How do I explain divorce without giving my kids an anxiety attack? I mean, I know I can’t protect them from all discomfort. That dealing with discomfort and uncertainty is just one of those things you have to learn. But ugh, I’m still dreading it.
Any advice from people who have already had this conversation?
Darn. No one else has commented yet.
When it came up with JTC, I didn’t even use the “D” word. I told him that they decided not to be married to each other any more and later decided to marry Gigi and Grandaddy. That seemed to hold him for now.
I, oddly, just had this conversation with my 6 year old about a week ago. I didn’t want my 6 year old who is inclined towards anxiousness, to worry that mommy and daddy will get a divorce. I belief I told him that sometimes married people decide that they don’t want to live together anymore. My parents had a very friendly divorce and go out for lunch together and do favors like drives to the airport or fix plumbing, so it was pretty much that they didn’t want to live together. He had some follow up questions, but I tried to keep my answers simple. As with all “difficult” questions from kids, I try to only answer the question they ask and not give extra information. For instance, my kids (4&6) know how babies are born and how babies grow and how daddy contributes part of the baby, but they’ve never asked how daddy’s contribution gets made or inside of mommy, so we’ve never brought up the intercourse part.
Excellent advice! Being honest with kids is very important and lends itself towards building your credibility.
Recently, my kids just asked who my daddy is. My father died almost 22 years ago. Not the same, but I had a similar feeling about how to tell them. For now, I am just going to tell them that my stepfather is my daddy and later I’ll tell them about my father. It just kind of brought home that I will have to have those difficult conversations at some point and I am not looking forward to it.
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I was just wondering, you don’t think he asked your father when they got into the car together?
You know, I have no idea. I kind of doubt it, but it’s possible. Would you believe it didn’t even occur to me? I suspect that, if it did, my dad probably changed the subject. Had he given Daniel an answer, I am sure it would have been recounted to me, MANY MANY TIMES, in enthusiastic detail.
wow, we just discussed this at dinner tonight. The twins (almost 4 yrs old) were playing “wedding” earlier, and Ben asked “you only can get married once, right mommy?”. This, after discussing in the car today how Pop-pop Chris isn’t my daddy. “Then how is he our Pop-Pop?” Honestly, I told the truth. Gigi and my dad decided not to be married anymore. Gigi and PopPop Chris got married later. Granted, my dad and my FIL are both deceased, so my step dad is the only PopPop they have. They do KNOW about the other 2 (which is a whole ‘nother ball of wax. The kids now think anyone who gets sick will die, but I’m working on it).
They really didnt press it any further, they wanted to know more about the dancing and cake, so I let it go. I always vote with telling the truth, leaving out details based on their age, comprehension and most important their attention. Sometimes I think mine just ask questions to hear themselves talk
Telling my just barely 4-yr-old why I had two dads was pretty easy, but that’s because my mom divorced him because of bad choices he made. I then had to explain a couple times how I would not send her away for making bad choices, and she couldn’t get a new daddy because her daddy wasn’t going to make bad choices, but I just took the questions as they came. I agree with Eva Marie in that I answer Lynne’s questions when she asks, but I stick to just those questions. I don’t answer more than she asks.
She knows where babies come from but hasn’t (yet) asked how the dad’s sperm gets to the mom’s egg (Flip Flap Body Book; and yes, it is weird hearing a 4-yr-old go around talking about sperm). She asks the randomest things.
But I agree that you should bring it up with Daniel since he did already ask. Just casual-like, not a serious discussion. If only so he knows that you heard the question and are willing to answer it. You want him to come to you with all his questions and not think you’re going to just brush it off.
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This came up in the 5s for us as well (and continues to come up!) and we explained it that sometimes people don’t want to stay married to each other. We’ve been mostly honest, obviously NOT delving into the fact that affairs ended both of our parents’ marriages. We just said that they weren’t happy anymore and decided they should get divorced, then they both met other people and got married. We also were very big on using the D word, and giving them examples from their friends with divorced parents.
The big thing is to make sure when you talk about your own marriage, you NEVER bring up the idea that the kids are related to the marriage. Like “We would never get divorced bc we love you too much.” We also talked a lot about how part of being married is being best friends with your spouse and sometimes best friends change.
It’s kind of like sex ed. No easy way to do it, you just have to rip off the band aid.
We did have a funny thing happen this year. My parents’ birthdays and Jon’s dad’s birthday are all the same week. We had the boys making cards all at the same time. Nate made two for my mom, so Jon told him to make one for my dad. He just flipped one of the grandma Jen cards over and wrote something for my dad on the back. It was really really hard to explain why that would be upsetting to a divorced couple.
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Our next-door neighbors were in the middle of being separated (but still living in the same house) when we moved in. Their son, Charlie, is William’s best friend, so once we learned the news, we knew Charlie would be sharing it with William. I think it actually helped that Charlie explained it to William first. William asked us a few questions, but seemed to accept it without much trauma. I made sure to emphasize to William that Charlie’s parents love Charlie and his brother more than anything and that the boys still get to spend lots of time with their parents. It helps that their parents still get along and can attend functions for the boys together. William seems to have taken it all in stride and has not seemed the least bit concerned that Ed and I would get divorced. Maybe that suggests he’s not a very deep thinking kid (LOL) but I think honest and direct answers are always your best bet.
My 4 year olds were saying something about how my step father was my father and so I had to explain the divorce or I chose to explain it at that point. I don’t remember exactly how I explained it and I’m pretty sure I didn’t make any connection between my divorced parents and the possibility of daddy and mommy getting divorced or never getting divorced but the thing that struck me about the conversation was how uncurious they were. They got the information they pondered it and then seemed totally unfazed. I had been worried about it but it was simple in the end. Ok. Moving on, back to superheroes. The step mother issue is more sticky strangely because there are so many wicked step mothers that it was more confusing to them that there was someone nice they knew who was also a step mother.
So maybe it won’t be a big deal…
Am anxious to talk to you about this – it IS confusing. For me I’m still trying to figure out how to be the child of “quasi-divorced” parents and am just bringing my kids along for the ride. That doesn’t seem fair somehow but it is the best we can do for now.
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