I remember, back when I was employed and had vacation days, that the week immediately before you took time off was a bit crazier as you prepped for being away. Being a SAHM, it turns out, is no different.
I’m racing against time and my various to-do lists before the kids and I leave for Chicago on Wednesday morning. First, there’s the quilts. I thought it was a ridiculous goal when I set it last week, but I just might do it: finish all of the machine-sewn parts of all three quilts before I leave!
Daniel's quilt is done.
My brother's quilt is done.
Rebecca's is pinned and ready for quilting.
But lest I get too cocky, there are about a hundred other things competing for the less-than-48-hours before my flight. First, there’s the gift basket that the HDYDI moms decided to contribute to the NOMOTC Convention’s silent auction. Nearly forgot all about it, had to run to Babies R Us for the 2nd time this weekend (and Barnes & Noble, and iParty, and Staples) to get it all together.
Bid on me, I'm for a good cause!
The first trip to BRU was for more gates, to block off the stairs. The kids aren’t thrilled about that one.
Oh, and did I mention that I have to PACK?! For a week-and-a-half trip with two babies? To three different locations? Some without cribs or high chairs? Oh my lord… I feel faint. Gotta go… 
I finally commandeered my little-used dining room and have set up my sewing machine and ironing board, and am determined to finish these damn quilts. My “shoot for the moon, land in the stars” goal is to have all three of them (both kids, plus my brother and SIL’s wedding quilt that is way overdue) actually sandwiched and quilted before I leave, in the hopes that I can just bring them and finish the binding while I’m in Chicago. I know, laugh all you want, but it’s a noble (if far-fetched) goal.
She was going through that awful, overwhelmed period where you feel like you spend so much time managing the babies that you can’t actually enjoy them. Plus, she’s in a new moms class (probably the same one I took), and really only has the other singleton moms to compare herself to, so she feels like she’s really not “keeping up,” while all of the other moms are practicing the songs and reading books to their newborns… She got a lot of really positive feedback from the group, as what she’s going through sounds completely normal to the rest of us.
I loved that new moms group, because there really are a lot of things that are universal to the experience of being a first-time-mom. We’re all a little nervous, wondering if it’s normal for newborns to be so… noisy, and all of the other new-baby stuff. But on the other hand, there are some fundamental differences to the experience of having multiples that go beyond “twice as much of everything.” Because, especially in the newborn days, that can mean twice as much time feeding, changing diapers, trying to get them to sleep, etc. And that (obviously) has an enormous impact on what else you’re able to do. There’s very little time (and, in particular, energy) for things we hear that singleton moms are doing – singing songs, reading books, lots of cuddling. With two newborns, you almost never get to do those things, and it’s hard not to feel like a shitty mother for it. Especially when the singleton moms in your class claim that their 6-week-old “loves books!”, and you’ve yet to crack one open for your pair. When you hear that there’s some guideline that says you’re not supposed to leave them in the swing for more than 20-30 minutes at a time (I swear I read this somewhere), and that’s the only place you can get yours to sleep, or at least stop screaming long enough for you to pee. Oh, the ways in which we beat ourselves up over the things that we do just to survive those first few months.
The key for me, as I have said before and will say again, is social support in the form of a mom network. And much as I love my singleton mom friends, and I don’t mean to knock them, because parenting any newborn is hard, hard work – it’s just different with twins. It just is. And you need to be able to talk to people who have done it with two.
And, little by little, you start to figure it out. You pass that awful newborn stage and end up with predictable naps and happier kids. And then you realize, you’re lucky to be a twin mom when you watch your singleton friends use all of that spare time to hover over their children and freak out about every little scratch or stolen toy. As overwhelming as those newborn days are, I honestly believe being a twin mom actually makes you a lot more laid back about a lot of things, because you have to pick and choose what you’ll spend your time worrying about. You realize your kids have made you a supermom.
Twin Snobs
My husband says I’m a snob. In fact, he has gone so far as to suggest that my other twin mom friends are snobs, too.
And you know what? He’s not wrong. But we’re sort of snobs by necessity.
Any new mom knows that the general public really has a thing for babies. People can’t help themselves. But moms of multiples know that people are more than twice as crazy for twin babies. Every single person you pass on the street or at the store has to make a comment. Sometimes it’s kind (“bless you, aren’t they beautiful!”), sometimes it’s annoying (“bet you’ve got your hands full”), sometimes it’s almost rude (“better you than me”). And sometimes it’s just plain stupid (“oh, two boys?” [they're literally dressed in pink and blue] “No, one of each.” “Wow, are they identical?”) But, seriously, EVERY SINGLE PERSON feels the need to say something.
It’s sort of sweet with the first five people. But you soon realize that stopping to chat with all of these strangers is doubling the time it takes to run your errand. The errand you had to plan hours ahead of time, the errand it took you 30 minutes to actually get out of the house and into the car to run. And you stop finding it sweet, and start to have to work to not roll your eyes with every comment.
Two of my twin mom friends and I go for a walk around a nearby pond every week. It’s nice to be out of the house and moving, nice to chat with other people dealing with the same sorts of things (their twins are 4 and 6 months, respectively). Not surprisingly, the three double strollers (and my dog) make for quite a spectacle. But really, does every single person we pass on the 3-mile walk have to say something? We quickly stopped responding to people unless they asked a direct question. If someone just makes a comment to their friend, we don’t even look up. If they say something to us that isn’t a question, we might smile, but definitely don’t break stride. And even direct questions get answered as quickly as possible.
There’s only one person we’ll pause for. Another twin mom.
Then, suddenly we’re all chatty. We ask about how many weeks the other woman’s babies were born at, whether they had any NICU time, etc. No stupid questions about boy/girl twins being identical. We talk in shorthand. MOMO twins, TTTS, NICU… We ask about the other’s double stroller. We don’t ask stupid crap like “how tired are you.” What kind of dumb-ass question is that? This is why my husband says we’re snobs.
And once, just once, we passed a woman with triplet toddlers. We paused and nodded in respect. And as we continued our walk, all three of us looked at each other and said, “can you imagine how bad it would be if there were three?”