Body Image | Goddess in Progress

Archive for body image

On body image and Biggest Loser

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (33)· May 19th, 2010

I have made no secret of the fact that I have long-standing body image and weight issues. I’m not going to re-hash them all, but suffice it to say that they’re pretty much as old as I am, and just as stubborn. Like many moms, I am trying my very hardest not to pass those attitudes along to my children. I am very careful to NEVER talk about restricting my food or “dieting” in any way in front of my kids. They see me eat, I don’t make an issue of it one way or another. I let them eat when they’re hungry, I don’t make them clean their plates if they are done, I try to present healthy choices. I never, ever make disparaging comments about myself or my body in their presence. They see me exercise, which makes me happy, and I always talk about it in terms of being healthy and strong and working hard. Never a word about losing weight, getting smaller, or anything like that.

My mother-in-law has long struggled with her weight, too. She talks about weight ALL THE TIME. Especially with me, maybe because it’s some kind of common bond? It’s annoying, because even I get tired of talking about it. Yes, we struggle. We wish we didn’t. End of story. Apparently not. When M and I were first dating and we’d go visit his parents, literally EVERY time we were there, she would talk about how M used to be so skinny. (And he was, almost alarmingly so, but whatever. It was 15 years ago. Get over it.)

Over the weekend, when my in-laws were visiting, my kids found a small framed picture of M and me, taken the night we got engaged. The kids like carrying it around. What does my MIL say? “Oh look, there’s Mommy and Daddy when they were young and thin!”

The somewhat insulting nature of that comment (and the fact that I was not “thin” then, either) completely aside, I was aghast that she would talk that way in front of my kids. And I noticed it wasn’t the only time she talked about “getting fatter” or thinner in front of them, and other related topics of being fat or not. Now that I’ve had some space to mentally digest it, I am even more appalled, and you can bet I’m going to call her on it the next time she does it. You can’t always change people, and there are plenty of differences that you have to let slide. But this isn’t one. I’m livid.

***

I got home late last night and should have gone straight to bed, but instead found myself watching Biggest Loser on the DVR. For any issues I may have with the silliness of reality shows, I love it and watch it religiously. I love to see these people work their asses off (literally and figuratively). I love watching their successes and their unbelievable progress.

Last night was the second-to-last episode [spoiler ahead, in case you haven't watched it yet]. The remaining four contestants were sent home for a month and told they’d be brought back for one last weigh-in and to run a marathon. Basically, it’s a test to see how they can apply the lessons learned with the trainers when they’re at home and on their own. One contestant, Daris, really struggled. Despite losing 150+ pounds in four months and becoming nothing short of an athlete, despite running a marathon in a scant four hours, he actually gained two pounds while at home (the others lost between 9 and 20 pounds in that same time). The food still haunted him.

I know there are people who watched that outcome and screamed at the TV. “You’ve come this far! You’ve lost so much weight! You’re so close to the end! There’s $250,000 at stake! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?”

I didn’t ask that. I already know the answer. Watching what Daris did was like a punch in the gut. It was me. I get it.

If you’ve never truly struggled with your weight, it’s hard to understand. I didn’t get fat because I don’t know that vegetables are good for me and cookies aren’t. I didn’t get fat because I don’t know what a portion size is supposed to be. It’s not because I got a little carried away making all of the Pioneer Woman recipes. For whatever long-standing reasons, I have a different relationship with food that much more closely resembles addiction than simply a “bad habit.” Sometimes I’m in control of it, and sometimes I’m not. But it’s fundamentally different than the person who simply put on a few pounds over the years, or is having a hard time with that last bit of baby weight. It’s different.

I don’t say that as an excuse. I am physically able to exercise, I am capable of monitoring my food intake and losing weight. But just because I can sometimes get the demons under control doesn’t mean they ever, ever go away. I will never not have to deal with this.

And that’s why last night’s overly-dramatic reality show stuck with me. That struggle was so very real and so very familiar. You can watch the “plea” of each contestant and cast your vote over at NBC if you’re so inclined. It might not be the most eloquent thing you’ve ever heard, but Daris’s breaks my heart each and every time, so I voted for him. It felt like I was voting for me. His battle is far from over. The truth is that, for all of the contestants on that show, it will never be over. And neither will mine.

Comments (33)

Categories : Family, Just me

Tags : body image, weight gain, weight loss

It was a good dream

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (5)· October 3rd, 2007

After eight weeks of trying, I decided this week to stop breastfeeding. I’ve mentioned my struggles here before, and thought I had come up with a workable solution. For the last few weeks, I’ve been breastfeeding Rebecca about 80% of the time, and occasionally pumping, with the pumped milk going to Daniel. I tried nursing him from time to time, but while his “latch” became less painful, it was obviously really inefficient, and it became clear he’d never really take a full feeding that way. So one baby was breastfed, one was bottle fed.

But it wasn’t realistic for the long term. I found that not being able to nurse both of them made nursing one of them more difficult. Additionally, though I tried, I found myself very uncomfortable nursing in public (or, really, in front of just about anyone but my husband). It was still taking a lot of effort, so add to that a desire to be discreet, and not to share both my boob and my stretch-marked spare tire with the world, and I started to find breastfeeding much more limiting than I ever imagined it to be. If I was going to be out of the house for a feeding, I had to bring bottles anyways, and then felt the need to get home quickly to pump and make up for the missed nursing session. And nursing one while the other decides to wake up hungry or continually spit out his pacifier is quite a scene. Finally, despite becoming quite competent at latching (except when she decided to scream at my boob), Rebecca was a slow, sleepy, and frequent eater. She’d get cozy and doze off while nursing, so (per LC instructions) I’d take her off and put her down. A couple of minutes later, she’d wake up and remember she wanted to eat some more. Eventually this would end, but then she’d be hungry again two hours later (while her brother ate every 3 hours… great). While this might be doable if she were my only baby, that just isn’t the case.

So, last Wednesday morning, I found myself at the end of my rope. Rebecca was acting hungry and then showing no interest in actually nursing when put near the boob. Add that to the fact that I was feeling convinced that she’d eat more (and gain weight better) if she wasn’t always so cozy and sleepy. I decided to take a little break and just pump for a day or two. I had started questioning how long I could keep up the breastfeeding several days earlier, but this was the first time I stepped back from it. Wednesday was only pumping, Thursday was a combination with nursing. But by Friday night, my pumping sessions went from 2.5-3.5oz down to 1.5oz at the most. It became clear that it was time for a decision: either commit to breastfeeding and re-establish my rapidly dwindling supply, or call it a day and let it go. I opted for the latter.

Sunday morning was my last nursing session with Rebecca (who took another 2oz by bottle when she was done on the boob). I told her so, and let myself have a little cry. While breastfeeding never became as easy or enjoyable as I hoped it might, I couldn’t help but be sad to let go of the dream. I was so determined. I wanted to be able to give that benefit to my babies, I wanted to have the benefits, myself. I did not want to give up. But eight weeks have past, and I’m ready to be done fighting with it.

And so, I wave goodbye to the dream of breastfeeding my twins. The best laid plans just didn’t work out the way I had hoped. Maybe if they hadn’t been in the hospital those extra few days, maybe if I had practiced with Daniel that first week the way I did with Rebecca, maybe if I had… who knows. Can’t go back and change anything, and it’s not worth trying to make excuses or find someone or something to blame. Disappointed though I am, I’m OK with my decision. I think it’s the right thing for the three of us, even if it wasn’t what I had originally hoped.

Comments (5)

Categories : Feeding, Newborns

Tags : body image, Breastfeeding, exhaustion, pumping

The reluctant belly

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (7)· June 30th, 2007

For ages, now, I’ve been getting requests for a “belly shot.” As someone who has struggled with weight her whole life, and who started this pregnancy at an all-time high, I have not been to keen on the idea. With some exceptions, I’m generally not the most fond of pictures of myself (except my wedding pictures… wow, that was many many pounds ago). Yes, I know I will someday want the record of what I looked like. But I have that from the last several years, and there are times when I sort of wish I didn’t have that record. But since virtually all of our family and friends live at least a few hundred miles away, there have been plenty of pleading emails, wanting to see what I look like, pregnant. I know what it’s like, as I have been that person with other friends’ pregnancies. So last weekend, in an effort to pacify my stepmom and mother-in-law in particular, I finally took the picture. Not wild about it, but there it is. Do forgive the slightly annoyed look on my face. And I will endeavor to take another one or two before this is all over. If for nothing else, it’s a good point of reference to try to remember just how big I was at a particular point in the pregnancy. And it’s not that I begrudge the belly. I sort of like the belly, in all of its stretch-marked glory. I like maternity clothes that accommodate it. I don’t even feel the need to hide it behind some enormous tent-like tunic. But those of you who have dealt with weight issues can understand that it’s not easy, especially since we have very few full-length mirrors in our house, so this isn’t a view I get on a daily basis.

Alright, enough qualifications. Here’s me last weekend, at 30 weeks, 1 day pregnant. For the next one I might even put on some makeup and try to smile…

Comments (7)

Categories : Photos, Pregnancy

Tags : body image, growing belly

Weekend in Chicago, part 2: On Display

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (1)· May 3rd, 2007

It was a very strange feeling. Each friend or relative I encountered over the weekend, upon seeing me, squealed and stared at my stomach.

Don’t get me wrong. I understand that half of the purpose of this visit was so that people could “see me pregnant.” These are people that I only see a few times a year, at the most, so this was going to be the only opportunity to see the majority of them during my pregnancy. I don’t begrudge them the excitement. But it still felt strange.

Saturday morning started with three people dropping by my mom’s house within 45 minutes (more on that later). I was still in my pajamas, but each one had to get a look. I went to visit a friend, who was thankfully a little less into the staring, but was excited nonetheless. Dropped over to see my (future) sister-in-law, and really started feeling like people were more interested in seeing my belly than they were in seeing me. I started trying to change the subject quickly. “Do you love your new condo?” “How’s the dog?” “Nice paint job.”

By the time I arrived at my dad’s house for dinner, and my stepmom couldn’t stop grinning at me, I was about done. I got over it as my cousins started to arrive, but I wasn’t quite enjoying it. I’m not someone who generally has a problem with being the center of attention, believe me. But it was the focus on the belly as separate entity that was a little weird, especially being someone who has always struggled with weight.

At Sunday’s shower, it was somehow less of an issue. Maybe because I was more prepared for it, or maybe because people were arriving in groups and it was somehow less noticeable. This has not been an issue back in Boston, since most people have seen me grow larger gradually, and know they’ll see me again in a day or two. But because it was people’s “only chance” to witness my expanding girth, they really seemed to want to take it in.

I don’t say this as a criticism of the people I saw. I may very well have done the same thing in the past, though I will be more conscious of it in the future. It’s not that I don’t want people to be excited about the pregnancy, nor do I even want them to ignore the belly. But feeling like an object on display, especially since it felt almost separate from “me,” was an odd experience.

Comments (1)

Categories : Family, Pregnancy, Travel

Tags : body image, growing belly

Belly Tales

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (4)· March 9th, 2007

A common question from friends and family these days is “are you showing yet?” They have to ask, of course, because none of them live in the same state as we do. But that’s another topic for another day.

The answer to the belly question is “sort of.” The trouble is that I already have a good layer of padding in the belly area to begin with, so at least for now, changes aren’t quite as pronounced to the outside world as they would be if I started out at, say, a size six.

That said, I started wearing maternity pants about a week ago (thank you mom, for running across a sale at the Gap and sending me four pairs of pants that you found for $7 each). They arrived just in time. The pants I purchased last month were suddenly not happening anymore. Maternity pants are the best thing, ever. These aren’t your mother’s leggings. No, these are totally normal-looking pants (including jeans!) that just happen to have a 4-inch wide elastic band at the waist. They are awesome. They are SO comfortable, especially after squeezing into normal pants a few days longer than I should have.

But even still, I have still felt that the general public would just see me as someone who is packing on a few (10.5) extra pounds. This, I think, is going to change soon. I’ve noticed a difference from even from last week to this week. Last week I could poke my belly and feel where my uterus is. This week, when I’m lying down, it’s actually a raised bump going to my belly button. I have to say, it’s kind of cool. Not enough to warrant maternity shirts yet (though I’ll be going to Lane Bryant this weekend to pick up a few larger in-between shirts), but definitely justifying the pants.

Some people do a weekly or monthly belly picture. I’m undecided on this. I have enough issues not being happy with how I look these days (I was already too heavy when I *got* pregnant, so this isn’t helping), but it might still be a fun idea for the sake of comparison. So, if you see a belly shot appearing on this site, realize it has taken a serious swallowing of pride to get there.

In the meantime, I’d better go get lunch. The twins are hungry.

Comments (4)

Categories : Pregnancy

Tags : body image, growing belly, maternity clothes, weight gain

Clothing Issues

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· February 1st, 2007

So, I’m just shy of 10 weeks (my OB is calling August 31 my “due date,” so who am I to argue?). Most first-time moms are not showing and won’t for another 8-10 weeks, easily. Even with twins, I wouldn’t say that I’m “showing.” I’m only up three pounds, and I’ve got plenty of extra padding to begin with, so it’s not like my belly is suddenly popping out for the world to see.

But I can’t button my pants.

Literally, pants I wore last week are now completely out of the question. Can barely button them, and even if I manage to, there’s a terrifying “muffin top” effect going on. The ones that got the rubber-band-through-the-button-hole treatment last week are just not having it anymore. I went to the store and bought a few pairs of larger-sized pants over the weekend, thinking I’d just get some to grow into and hold myself over for the next couple of weeks. They’re suddenly the only things I can wear. I’m going to have to go back this weekend and get more, just so I have enough to put into rotation! This is insane.

Believe me, I have struggled with my weight and the related wardrobe issues my entire life. Sometimes a pair of pants will fit, and a month later, not so much. Or vice versa. But this is just insane. I’ve been weighing myself once a week, just to try to make sure I keep tabs on things. I haven’t been watching my caloric intake, really, but I just want to be sure I know where I stand. I’ve gained barely anything at all (in fact, I was theoretically down half a pound last week), and suddenly 90% of my wardrobe is going into storage.

In some ways, I’m really looking forward to “showing” and getting maternity clothes and just announcing my big news to the world. But, for the moment, I just look like I’m packing on an extra layer for the winter. Lovely.

Comments (0)

Categories : Pregnancy

Tags : body image, maternity clothes