Divorced Parents | Goddess in Progress

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They lost me at the dogs

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (9)· June 23rd, 2009

I didn’t watch Jon & Kate Plus 8 last night. I didn’t watch it the previous few weeks, either.

Sometime last year, I was watching it pretty regularly. I had my DVR set to record it, I enjoyed back episodes. The kids, obviously, were super cute. The relationship dynamic was weird, but I sort of came to understand it and just accept it in the manner of “everyone’s relationship is different.” While I knew they had more help and more sources of income than the show really dwelled on, there was something sort of normal about them.

I started to lose interest when the travel and freebies were seemingly the focus of every episode. I don’t begrudge anyone for taking someone up on an offer for a free trip or whatever, but I stopped enjoying watching it.

Then they got the dogs. I couldn’t even watch the entire episode when they got the two GERMAN SHEPHERD puppies. It was clearly such an abysmal idea, I just couldn’t even bear to witness it. While I’m not a model dog owner, I care enough and know enough about dogs that… lord. Forget it. I tuned out. Do they even still have the dogs? Have they disappeared the way babies tend to do on sitcoms? I have no idea.

Then, they splashed all over the front pages of the trashy magazines in the grocery check-out aisle. Amazing how fast things can turn when you’re in the public eye. Flame up, crash hard. I don’t care whose “fault” this whole thing is. Everything cuts about six different ways, and it’s none of my business to speculate.

But I can’t watch it. Not even in the “disaster but can’t look away” kind of way. I didn’t even really intend to blog about it. Alas. Even the tweets from the last couple of episodes have been painful to read, and I’m not even watching. You can’t get away from it.

I’m a child of divorce. A few of them, even. Now, being a married adult with my own kids, I have a renewed appreciation for how much it sucks. SUCKS. Sucks for the kids. Sucks to end a relationship. Sucks in a million different ways. And that’s under normal, even “ideal” circumstances when people aren’t screaming at each other, aren’t moving out of state, aren’t cheating on anyone, and are generally more or less amicable, at least to outside appearances. And, you know, not on television or in the gossip magazines.

Knowing the pain of that, in varying degrees, is at least one reason why it feels so very wrong to watch any of this stuff. It’s one thing to watch someone on TV make a fool of themselves, or do something generally stupid, gross, or even dangerous. This…. this is just too painful.

Please, avert your eyes.

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Categories : Just me

Off we go, again

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (7)· April 10th, 2008

We leave for Florida tomorrow, for an early Passover visit with M’s family. Weather should be nice, family is super excited to see the babies. But I cannot lie. We haven’t even left yet, and already I’m exhausted.

All of this travel is killing me. This is our fourth round-trip with the kids. We’ve gone somewhere nearly every month since Christmas. It’s draining, physically, emotionally, and financially. Yes, we’re fortunate, we can technically afford the plane tickets. But that doesn’t mean I’m exactly happy to spend all of that money.

This is sort of one of those times I really wish I only had one kid. Not that I’d give up either of mine, obviously, but I can dream of how my life would be comparatively much easier with only one. I’d be more willing to travel with one kid as a lap infant, and not have to pay for an extra seat. I’d be more willing to travel by myself, which is a pretty unrealistic option with two. If I could travel by myself, I wouldn’t have to be tied to M’s vacation time, and we wouldn’t be spending a paltry 48 hours in Florida this weekend.

This is also when I feel more and more like I wish I lived in Chicago. I wrote about this on How Do You Do It? earlier this week, and it’s still very much on my mind. When we have these small windows of time with one branch or another of the family, there is a lot of pressure to “make the most of it.” Cram in as many events, “firsts,” people, and places as possible. We really have three sets of grandparents: M’s parents, my mom (& stepdad), and my dad (& stepmom). Attempting to see all three with any degree of frequency, and attempting to devote “equal time” to all, and suddenly we’re constantly on a plane. And none of these three tend to particularly overlap socially, even when they occasionally overlap geographically. So everyone is sort of protective of “their” time.

Except that, for instance, my mom will be in Florida while we’re there this weekend. About an hour away from my in-laws. Not surprisingly, she very much wants to come see the babies. With my stepdad. And my grandmother. And my aunt & uncle. I’m torn, and feeling a lot of competing pressures. On the one hand, I obviously want my mom (and everyone else) to be able to see the kids. Mom, stepdad, and grandmother haven’t seen them since our last trip to Florida, and aunt & uncle haven’t even met them yet. On the other hand, we’ve only got a very short period of time with M’s family, including his grandmother, who is getting pretty old and is not in the greatest health. Do I tell my family that, no, they can’t come see the kids? How could I do that? But do I intrude on M’s family’s time with the kids? I don’t want to do that, either.

And so, you can see why I was very nearly in tears just thinking about it this afternoon.

This is also why I wish I lived in Chicago, near the vast majority of my family. Then, I wouldn’t have to cram everything into these tiny windows of time. We could have people over for dinner one night, go spend a day at grandma’s some other time, etc. We could take a trip to Florida to see M’s family, and not have to split it with other people, or use his one remaining vacation day to do it (he’d have plenty if we didn’t have all of that other family we had to travel to see!). We wouldn’t have to (as my mom did at Christmas) host an open house so that the most people could view the babies in the shortest period of time. Three cheers for efficiency?

My sister-in-law is probably right. I probably should work on setting limits and absolving myself of much of the responsibility of ensuring that everyone gets their “fair share” of the kids. That sounds like the right thing to do. Except that, after 20 years of doing the divorced-parent time-share dance, and then the last 7 years of adding another family to the mix… I just don’t see that happening any time soon. I can say that everyone should come here more often, and that’s true. And I think that will happen… except it can’t really happen with M’s family, what with his grandmother’s health and all.

But alas, no more time for the pity party this evening. There’s laundry to be done and bags to be packed, and an early-morning flight to catch. It’s questionable as to whether I’ll have much by way of time on the computer this weekend (remember, lots to cram into a short period of time!!!), so I’ll catch you all on the flipside. Have a great weekend, everyone!

Comments (7)

Categories : Family, Infants, Travel

Tags : divorced parents, Florida, in-laws

Family Weekend

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (2)· March 30th, 2007

After yesterday’s ultrasound excitement, it’s time to get away!

The hubby and I are headed to Florida tomorrow morning (with the pooch stowed under the seat in front of us) to visit family. We’re mainly going to see his family to celebrate Passover, which starts Monday evening. But as good luck would have it, my mom and a few other family members will also be in Florida, about an hour away, so hopefully I’ll manage to see everyone.

My family balancing act has always been tricky, but naturally even more so since I got married. My parents got divorced when I was about seven, and both remarried. I’ve been doing the joint custody thing for more than twenty years now. Thankfully, there was minimal drama associated with all of this through the years, but it isn’t always easy.

For instance, both of my parents still live in the same town as each other, the same town I grew up in (and was born in!). This is a mixed blessing. On the one hand, it made it easy as a kid, because there was no confusion regarding whether or not I had to change schools. If I forgot something at one house, I popped over and got it, especially once I could drive. I generally split the week between parents, so there were no long stints of not seeing one or the other. Now that I’m older, though, it’s both good and bad. When I go home to visit a few times a year, though it’s nice that I get to see both sets of parents, I also feel a bit of pressure to make my visits roughly “equal” or “fair.” This isn’t out of direct pressure from either of my parents, but something I’ve pretty much internalized over the years.

Now, add another set of parents to the mix! My in-laws currently live in Florida. My husband is lucky that his parents never divorced, but that also means he never quite learned the balancing act, and is therefore a little less sensitive to it. Me, on the other hand? I feel like my time, which was once split in half, is now sort of split in thirds. Add that to the fact that my parents (for various reasons) are a lot more likely to travel than his, and therefore end up visiting us sometimes. My in-laws are wonderful people who have been very welcoming in bringing me into their family. But it’s not without its stresses.

And for the cherry on top, we are currently cooking the first grandchildren for ALL sets of parents. They are all beside themselves with excitement, which is great. But the fact remains that they all live at least 1000 miles away from us. They will all want to come visit when the babies are born, and we certainly want them all to come. All six at once, though? That might just make my head explode. Don’t get me wrong, my parents and step-parents get along reasonably well and are always very nice to each other. My in-laws have met my parents a very few number of times, but everyone involved is friendly, so that’s not really a problem. But that doesn’t stop the balancing act. It just brings it into my living room. We’ve already tried to suggest that we try to alternate visitors so we don’t have too many people here at once, and have also introduced the idea that we do *not* want people staying at our house. We’ll see what happens when reality hits.

So, for this weekend, a mini-balance. We fly out tomorrow morning and will spend the bulk of the weekend with my in-laws, but will hopefully also get a little time with my mom and that side of the family. I’m not sure it’ll be a restful weekend, but it might be fun anyways. If nothing else, we can all take a field trip to Babies R Us and start a registry. The twins at least gives everyone a common thread.

Now, if I could just find a pair of maternity shorts…

Comments (2)

Categories : Family, Travel

Tags : divorced parents, in-laws, Passover