No f***ing way. That’s the only phrase that keeps repeating over and over in my head. No f***ing way.
I’m in denial. I’m sure I must have somehow misread the (frighteningly distinct) plus sign on that little stick. Or maybe I shouldn’t have bought the cheap store-brand ones. Clearly it was broken.
But there’s no such thing as a false positive. I know this. Volunteering at Planned Parenthood teaches you many things, and one of those things is that there is no such thing as a false positive. As my dear hubby said, “well, I guess you can’t go off the pill forever with impunity.”
Yes, I knew this was a possibility. I took my last birth control pill sometime in mid-April. But this quickly? Third cycle off the pill, really? We weren’t even trying that hard! I was just thinking yesterday, “you know, maybe with this next cycle I’ll start paying attention and taking my temperature and all that.” Huh.
I wasn’t even really sure that I was late. First cycle off the pill was 41 days, to be expected. Second one was precisely 28. Guess I was back to my old super-regular days! But the 28-day mark for this one was only a few days ago, and surely there could be some variation. I casually wondered when I should take the test, just to get the definitive “negative” and then get my period the next day. I put it off for a few days, but this morning I woke up and figured I might as well just take the darn thing. So I peed on the little stick and went into the next room to watch the clock and make sure I waited the requisite two minutes. Walked back into the bathroom, and there it was. Plain as day. Not faded or faint like the instructions suggested could happen. Clear as a bell.
No f***ing way.
I went into the bedroom to wake my sleeping hubby. I hadn’t even told him I was going to take the test.
“Honey?”
“mmph?”
“Um, something funny just happened.”
“mmph?”
“I think I just had a positive pregnancy test.”
I’ve never seen him wake up so quickly. He looked at me and smiled, as if to say, “seriously?” We walked into the bathroom so that he, too, could bear witness. So if I was hallucinating, at least I wasn’t the only one. But it was still there. I still think I must have somehow misread it. But there it was. Just like the diagram.
| – means it’s negative
+ – means it’s positive. Holy crap.
Well, um, I suppose I should go call the doctor and set up an appointment. But they’re going to laugh at me when I have to call and cancel, because clearly I read this thing wrong… right?
