Don’t you just hate it

When the thing you’re being paranoid about actually happens?

Late this afternoon I suddenly had some bleeding. I immediately called the doctor and got the on-call person. She thought it was most likely having to do with my hematoma and was probably OK, but would have me come in for an ultrasound as soon as the ultrasound tech came in. Got a call a little while later saying she was there and I could come in. I was trying to think positive, but was not feeling particularly reassured by anything at all.

Did the ultrasound, and the baby was clearly visible. The heartbeat, however, was not. It was easy to see the flickering in both previous ultrasounds, but not this time. I could tell as the gray lines went across the screen when she tried to pick it up. I knew it wasn’t there. She quietly picked up the phone to call someone. Never a good sign. Then she said “do you want to wait for the doctor or do you want me to tell you what’s going on?” Oh, come on. As though that could possibly end up being even remotely good. She confirmed there was no heartbeat. According to the measurements, the embryo died two days ago, at 8 weeks 3 days. It was much more baby-looking this time. It was really clear.

What I always have thought is just adding insult to injury is that I have to go back in for a “D&C.” I can’t handle explaining it or even really giving a link for it. Find it on Babycenter.com, it’s not hard. But it’s not bad enough that they tell you what has happened. Then you have to go in later and, well, finish it off. Just awful.

One of the worst parts is that I now have to tell the people who knew. I’d swear that I won’t tell anyone the next time, but I’m sure I’ll get excited all over again. I’m just so sad that I have to give the bad news to my parents. My dad, especially. He was so excited. I’m glad I convinced him not to tell his entire family, though…

So, maybe I’ll be back to talk of my adventures with anesthesia on Monday, but that will probably be it for a while. I have a feeling the doctor will tell us not to try for a few months after this, and I swear I’ll really take that seriously this time. In the meantime, for those of you from the Babycenter boards who might be reading this, my most sincere wish that this doesn’t happen to you, and that you have healthy pregnancies and perfect babies. I’m sure it’ll be my turn soon enough.