Good babies

There are lots of odd questions that people ask new moms. One of my least favorite might have to be “are they good babies?” I think what people are trying to ask when they say that is whether they’re “easy” babies. And while I’m not even sure if that’s a more appropriate question to ask, I guess it’s a somewhat better way to phrase it.

No question, some babies are easier in temperament than others. Some are reasonably laid-back, while others are fussier and more high-maintenance. But if easy equals good, then is my fussy baby somehow “bad?” Is my more easygoing twin the “better” of the two? No.

I know, I know. People are (I guess) trying to be nice. But that question really bothers me. As it is, I’m trying not to over-label my kids. They change so frequently, and have such variation, I don’t even like using blanket (comparative) statements like “she’s the better sleeper.” Because, for one thing, the moment it comes out of my mouth, it gets proven wrong. And for another, I think these labels can sometimes become self-fulfilling. Especially if you repeat them to yourself too often, you can start treating them as you expect them to behave, not necessarily how they really are.

I’m not a nut about this. Labels can be helpful, and our minds naturally seek out patterns and predictability. Everyone does it, myself certainly included. But I think there needs to be some care taken with regard to the line between noting patterns of behavior and making “value” judgments.

I guess I’m feeling sensitive to this because my kids are so different, and they do lend themselves to comparisons. Rebecca truly is, in general, more easygoing than Daniel. But the moment I say that… Daniel laughed three or four delightful times today. Rebecca didn’t. And I know he can continue to change, and is not destined to be a “difficult” child just because he was a somewhat fussy 3-month-old. So I sort of take offense at the suggestion, albeit unintentional, that less easy somehow means less good.

And really… what’s not good about these two? And what would honestly qualify an infant as bad? So, are they good babies? You bet. Easy? Well, that’s another question.