The second in an occasional series: whether to have more kids after multiples. [Part 1]
At last count, I know at least ten people who are currently pregnant. That doesn’t include my two cousins who just delivered. It doesn’t include the 4-6 moms in our various classes right now, who I don’t know very well. Ten. Two due in March, one in June, five in July, and two in the fall. Only a few are first babies, many are new siblings. Some are even the very subject of my wonder: a singleton after twins. With all of this progesterone in my world, it’s impossible not to think about whether to have more kids.
I’m finding a traditional pros vs. cons list quite unhelpful in this situation. The pros are impossible to articulate. Fuzzy and ethereal, theoretical at best. Nothing concrete. The cons, on the other hand, are numerous and specific. Daunting. Convincing.
So, in no particular order, here are some darn good reasons not to have any more kids. Or, at least, things that M or I worry about.
- Holy crap, do I really want to do this stuff all over again? I already survived the newborn days, sleep training, etc etc etc. Why would I go back and go through it again if I don’t have to?
- I hated being pregnant. No, seriously. Did not like it one bit. Was uncomfortable for 8 months. Couldn’t sleep. Cankles and hobbit feet. High blood pressure. Stretch marks. Carpal tunnel. And the peeing. Oh my god the peeing. And that’s just the parts I remember.
- What would the relationship dynamics be like between the older twins and younger singleton? Would the singleton feel left out for not having a twin? Isolated? And M’s big one: he already feels like our kids got a bit short-changed on attention for being two-at-once. He thinks that adding another isn’t fair to them or to the new kid. [I don't entirely agree with this one, but still... it's out there]
- Pregnancy weight gain. I’m still really struggling with the weight I put on with these guys (not to mention all the weight I had put on before I got pregnant). Doing it again is terrifying.
- I fear for my sanity. I love being a SAHM, but a lot of the time I’m just one enormous stress-case (whether or not I display it on my blog). And while I think M is a wonderful husband and dad, having kids has put a lot of stress on our relationship. Do I really want to add more? Her Bad Mother put into words a lot of what I was thinking…
- If I think travel is incredibly expensive and stressful now…
- Honestly, I feel like adding another kid makes moving to Chicago an absolute necessity. I’m not sure I can (or want to) do more without family around.
- Did I mention I’m a proven double-dropper? My duo were of the unassisted variety: spontaneous fraternal twins. There’s a not-insignificant possibility of having a second set. Hoo boy.
- We always talked about having two kids. It’s a nice number. Two parents. Two hands. Not an only child, but you can stick with the man-to-man defense. Plus, we even got the nice, neat set of one boy and one girl. Why mess with such lovely symmetry?
Each of these concerns is not equal in my mind. Some weigh more heavily than others, and I think the added stress in my life in general and on my marriage in particular is probably up at the very top of the list.
A couple of things that, for whatever reason, I do not worry about:
- Getting pregnant. Sure, I could be proven wrong. But getting pregnant was thankfully not really a problem for me, and I’m still only 30 years old. (Of course, staying pregnant was trickier, but still…) Hopefully that part would be alright.
- Finances. I know, I really should be worried about finances. Kids are really frigging expensive. But somehow that doesn’t strike fear into my heart. We live well within our means, we aren’t big spenders, we have no debt, we have college accounts started… and basically, things seem to work out just fine. Realistic or not, that just isn’t something that is keeping me up at night.
- Logistical stuff: we wouldn’t need a bigger house or a bigger car. Our house is OK the way it is, no immediate need to seek new living arrangements (aside from wanting to move to Chicago, but that’s for different reasons). We already have a minivan. We could “fit” another kid.
But what do you guys think? Parents with more kids, are some of these non-issues that I’m just creating in my own mind? Parents who stuck with two, were any one or two of these enough to make the decision against having more kids for your family? What are some other reasons not to do this?
And, yes, I’ll be back with the other side of the argument. Don’t you worry.
Unfortunatley I have to second the stress on the marriage thing. I was with my husband for 11 years (!) before we had our twins(who are 13 months old now). I was totally unprepared for how we have changed as a couple (and not for the better). In a really sick and twisted way, I do sometimes muse about having another. But my husband won’t even listen to me for a nanosecond on that subject.
I think the two most concerning issues you raise are sanity (yours, your marriage’s) and the whole 2 kids + 2 parents = enough hands to control a situation (where as 3 kids + 2 parents = pandemonium in public). They are definitely something to think about.
The rest are, in my opinion, less important. We are currently expecting our second, and before we knew whether there was one baby or two in my belly (multiples run in my family), I insisted that we would have to move back to New England to be near my family if we had twins. I didn’t see how we could do it alone. But in retrospect, I’m not sure how many benefits living near family would have (other than companionship, which can help with the sanity issue above). No one takes care of your kids like you, even the best grandmothers. No one is responsible for them (and responsive to them) the way you are. And you need to have established back up care where ever you live, whether you have 2, 3 or 10 kids. Someone you can call in a pinch to help out. You probably already have that now.
Pregnancy discomforts fade, weight can be lost, sleepless nights get put behind you, and you are left with a larger, more dynamic family. I’m sure there would be more positive than negative for your twins to have a younger sibling. There would be difficulties regarding having older twin siblings, but I think they would be similar to the difficulties younger siblings always have – a desire to play with the “big kids,” and the big kids don’t want to play with the “baby.”
Whoa, I’ve rambled! I’ll close by saying good luck with your choice!
Allison´s last blog post..Photos, Finally
I think this is one of those things that is impossible to weigh in for other people. But I can talk to some of the points you made on not having more kids.
* Being pregnant. With twin toddlers in the house, being pregnant again won’t afford you the leisure to worry about things like cankles.
* Travel. Travel with older twins is ludicrously easy. That’s going to be the subject of my HDYDID post today. I almost had to laugh at how unplanned the entire thing was. I spent most of my time on the plane reading a book while both boys watched video ipods.
LauraC´s last blog post..Me me me
Hi – I am a friend of LauraC’s from high school and a fan of your blog!
Your arguments make a lot of sense. We are struggling with a lot of the same issues and we only have ONE 15 mos old. For us, the winning reason TO have another will probably be the sibling issue, and you already have that!! It is a tough decision. I can’t wait to read the pros.
I think you have really, really valid concerns. I can’t speak to most of them because, well, you feel how you feel, right? Especially the hating being pregnant or feeling stressed. Also, I don’t know how you the travel as it is! BUT, I will speak to your concern about the relationship dynamics between the kids because I’m watching it with the four of mine. The older twins do not know the difference from having to share time versus alone time. That is the world they know. YOU know the difference because you were not a twin and you are consciously thinking about it. They do not. And a new baby also would not know otherwise. That would just BE their reality. I know in my house the child who has the hardest time is the oldest singleton because she is fully aware of how her world has changed. The others: a full house is all they know.
You’ll find the answer. I think it’s great that you’re hashing it out like this. It makes me wonder what I would have chosen to do right about now… if the choice hadn’t been made for me!
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I agree with Cynthia – the kids won’t know any different, and in many ways you’re LUCKY that it was 2 at first because not a single kid was ever single. Logan *LOVES* watching his older siblings run around (he doesn’t always love it when they run over him though) But they get used to each other.
As for the dropping two eggs thing…been there; terrified that the 2nd pregnancy was going to be two again for the same exact reason. We even mentally prepared ourselves for 2 more…
I also have to disagree with the first Alison…I think one of the reasons she might be having a tough time was because she was married without kids for such a long time. Since you and M already have kids, adding one more to the mix probably won’t make things any better or worse than they already are. M does need to be aware that it’s quite possible that the twins will be more his responsibility for a while though…especially toward the end of your pregnancy and the beginning of the new little life.
Also, given your posts/discussions about how stressed you get when you have family around to “help” you … I honestly don’t think you’d need to move closer to family. Don’t forget that the twins will be older and they can help you out with some of the little things (“Hand me that diaper, please”) and they won’t be as dependent on you. (the 3rd kid actually makes it more likely they won’t be as “only child”-like as well…they’ll learn that mommy isn’t ALWAYS there right when they need/want her. Not necessarily a bad thing.)
Hmm. This got long. I’ll shut up now…
Good luck with your decision!
Nancy´s last blog post..Rumors
I’ve really enjoyed your posts on this topic… Hubby is a fraternal twin (boy/girl) and he also has a younger brother. One thing that his mom liked about having a third was that it seemed to take away some of the “OMG – TWINS” aspect (from people at the grocery store, etc). They just became a family & having a third almost helped people see the older 2 as individuals.
Of course, I’m biased because I would love to read about another pregnancy, lol.
Becky aka StinkyLemsky
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So funny, I read your first bug post a few weeks ago and pondered the idea of another after twins (mine are 9 months old) and then two weeks ago found out I was pregnant! I shouldn’t have been that surprised but we had the IVF kind of twins and it was hard to get my head around the fact that sex=babies. Plus, as a result of the twins, we really hadn’t been doing anything risky hardly at all, but the one time….
Anyway, we had been open to the idea of a third even if we thought it was not going to happen and then it did. I’m back at work already (DH is in school) and I’m having lots of issues about career progress with three little ones so close in age and all the issues you mention about travel and expense and taking care of two new walkers and a new born, and should we move closer to my family are all coming up. But despite all those worries we’re pretty psyched, shocked but psyched. I’m not as much of a planner as I think you may be so I’m doing a good job at telling myself it will all just work out fine, somehow or other. We’re praying it’s a singleton and hoping if it is that this pregnancy will be a breeze compared to the last one.
Anyway, not sure I’ve added much to your thinking but it was really helpful to me to get all this out there, so thank you!
all your reasons are spot on, goddess. i also think the bug is exactly that…a phase that you’ll live with for a few weeks/month maybe, and then it will be out of your system. and if it’s not…well, then, maybe you should revisit your lists, sit with your intuition a bit, talk to M (obviously) and see where it ends up.
i got the bug around the same 18 mo. time, w/ so many friends preggo with their second. it was weird. jordan thought i was losing my mind. know that i’m passed it, i’m seeing much more clearly the reasons we want to stop here. i never say never, of course. but for the foreseeable future, we’re quite content with our boys.
i say just give it some time and you’ll see very clearly the direction you want to go.
tracey´s last blog post..on the mend
i say go for it…but then again, i have 4 already and already want one more. the only thing preventing me from actually having one more is that one more could easily be more than one more. and that is something i am not quite ready for
good luck with your decision! and if you do have another, you will be living so much closer to me 
rachael s´s last blog post..Arrr!
I have three, but the other way around… a single and then twins. I can tell you that going from man-to-man to zone-defense is tough (of course, we went from being man-up to zone!).
As I’ve watched my friends struggle with the decision to have a third (whether after twins or just after two singles) I think it comes down to this: if you have the desire for another, you can feel it in your heart and your being, and your family just doesn’t feel complete without doing it again, then you may have to honor that feeling, if M is ok with it.
Luckily, you’re only 30, so there’s no ticking clock really. You could easily give it a few years and then go for a third if you want to.
Also, my friends who have singles after twins all tell me that “it’s one stinkin’ baby — it’s not that hard after you’ve done twins!”
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I think it will get even harder as your kids get older. Husband and I do want to try again and not when the kids are 4 or 5 because it will be hell to go back to the newborn phase. I actually think right now is a great time for you to get pregnant – a new baby (or babies – we are prepared for that too) will be more mobile right around Springtime next year. A spring and summer with 2.5 yr olds (almost 3 year olds) and an infant sounds pretty darn good to me. Rebecca and Daniel will understand plenty and there will be no sharing issues. My brother is 6 years younger than my sisters and me (we’re triplets) and he really suffered more from the distance in age than anything else. We couldn’t play together – just watch him when he got older.
Mommy, Esq.´s last blog post..W is for Work
I’ve toyed with these exact thoughts myself. We aren’t going to have anymore for sure, but it was hard on me when nature started nagging me for more. My twins were a little over 18 months old when I got downright sad and depressed about it. It’s not the right decision for our family to add any other people here, but being mature enough to override the instinct was pretty hard work. Good luck with whatever you decide is right for you guys. It’s a hard decision after twins.
MereCat´s last blog post..Makes my Monday
Although I don’t have twins, I can really relate. My daughter is two and I think I’m the one you refer to who is due with the next in June. We’ve always said “2 or 3″ and the reality that we’ll have to make that decision in the next few years is already sinking in, especially as most moms in my social circle are having their third. For most of them it was like, “Why not?” For me it seems somewhat different sometimes because I’m balancing a career (well, pursuing a PhD) and being a part-time SAHM. Yet I still sometimes think “Why not?”
I’m glad you mentioned strain on your marriage as a worry, since that’s been a big deal for me, even with just one kid. I have no idea if the difference between 2 or 3 will make that much of a difference there as much as just putting in the work that needs to be done might achieve.
I will say that living near family, as complicated as it can be, is a life-saver. My mom drives me crazy sometimes and is certainly different with my daughter than I am, but I wouldn’t change things for the world.
Lastly, then I’ll get back to work, I know what you mean about pros/cons lists not working. They never have for me with regards to this type of thing. The best advice I ever received about making decisions of this caliber was to make a decision one way or the other and live with it for a few days to see how you feel about it (don’t actually get pregnant, but mentally tell yourselves that you are going to have a third child). Then, in a few days, make the opposite decision and live with it for a bit. How do you feel in the two different circumstances? This is a good way to figure out if it’s something that’s really in your heart, as someone else said, or not.
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I’m on the same page as Mommy Esq. I want to have a 3rd when Lily and Maddie are around 4. I would definitely move back to New England before getting prego though. As for you, Goddess, I have to say go with your gut. The checklists can only take you so far in this situation. I think you’re a great Mom, with so much love to give. Now may not be the time, but I have a feeling you’ll know when and if the time does arrive. As you said, house, car, heart- all big enough. Its worth leaving the door open on the idea to see how you feel over time.
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I started leaving a comment and it turned into a novel, so I just ended up writing a post about this on my blog. I have the opposite situation (always wanted three, but now that we have twins, maybe we stop at two?)
Tough choices!
Luckygirl´s last blog post..Two or three?
I just read Lucky&Tired’s blog and came back to check out comments. The one that literally made me laugh out loud was Mommy Esq saying a newborn and 2.5 year old twins sounds pretty good to her. Just being on the other side of 2.5 year old twins, it sounds utterly insane to me.
But… I think it depends on the duo and the parents. With the exception of the newborn phase, this was the toughest phase for us with Nate. Many days I was at the end of my rope and I work outside the house. Maybe part of it is Jon traveling so much.
Moxie had a great post on the ideal spacing and everyone seemed to comment 3 years was great. I am starting to join that camp now. You can reason with a 3 year old in a completely different way than you can a 2 year old. I already see all the ways my boys are becoming even more independent – washing their own hands, using big boy cups. It’s the little logistics that is making it easier.
But I guess that’s a topic for yet another post.
LauraC´s last blog post..Fast as you can
Just remember, #3 can easily turn into Surprise! #3 and 4…
Not to disuade you or anything…but that’s what happened to me and it never, ever crossed my mind!
As a mommy to four I have to say that I enjoy having a bunch of kids. Sure they test my sanity and budget right now, but I am looking forward to when they are older and more self sufficient and really enjoy each other. Knowing that they will have each other (whether they like it or not!) is enough to make all the hard stuff worth it…most of the time.
You know, as someone whose eggs are past their date and should be pulled from the shelves (so to speak) there are occasions wherein my ovaries will still twinge a smidge.
I can’t speak to your whys or why nots, but I can tell you I’ll be behind you 100% of the way…whatever you decide. You are a wonderful mama, no matter the numbers.
Cheryl´s last blog post..Pleasantly Plump Tuesday
I’m in your position exactly. Spontaneous fraternal twins, possiblility of another set…scary! I wish I could be more help but I feel just like you there are pros and cons. I think I will wait at least another year or two to make a decision.
Patricia´s last blog post..Language Explosion
I gotta say, for me it’s the sanity piece more than anything else. Money–we can make more. Newborn phase—they’ll grow up too, eventually. But sanity, can you get THAT back? That said, you know where I sit on baby #3. Now if I could just get Seth on board, too.
FIVE in July?! Holy $*&()&!
OK, so I can’t really give much thought on this topic, since I don’t have multiples and am “only” expecting my second in July. I do have to say that Johnny and I have at times tossed around the idea of having a third, and after much deliberation, we have decided (for now) to stick with two, the number we had always envisioned. While it would be tempting to have a third and maybe have it finally be a girl
, I’m just not sure I have the patience for a third child. I also personally think the world is really well-designed for a family of four (at least, even numbered families), and while that may be the silliest argument of all, I sure don’t want to be the odd one out on amusement park rides! 
Beverly´s last blog post..Growing, Kicking and Still a Boy!
Everyone we know is pregnant … so much so that my daughter Jessica doesn’t understand why her Mama is the only one without a baby in her belly.
We absolutely want more kids. And we are absolutely not going to have more. We like being young parents, and neither of us is willing to quit our jobs. The combination of those things means a) not waiting until the twins are in school and b) not having more right now, because if we have triplets next time, five in daycare is crazy.
The other point that we’ve talked about at length is the fact that the children we have now come first. Our time with them is so precious, and we don’t want to spread ourselves even thinner than we already are. I don’t want to be my grandmother, with 12 kids and unable to remember her seventh son’s (my father’s) name. Sure, that’s an unusual case; there are large families where every child is loved and fulfilled. We just that we have perfection already.
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