The third in an occasional series: whether to have more kids after multiples. [Part 1; Part 2]
What? Just because I hadn’t written about this in nearly four months, you think I forgot? Hrm. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that much of this spring completely kicked my ass.
Either way, as many of you know, the itch to have more kids waxes and wanes at different points in time. On the one hand, my desire for more is fairly low at the moment. Mostly, I think, because I am really digging the increased independence that my kids have, the things we are now able to do with them, etc. So the thought of going “backwards,” back to the days of two or three naps and all of the other newborn/infant/young toddler stuff, is daunting. And, truly, what more do I need? I have two kids, boy and a girl, happy and healthy and all of that good jazz. Why mess with a good thing?
At the same time…
Last night at our monthly twin mom club meeting, a number of us were chatting about the “more kids” debate. Plus, there is a thread going on our listserv asking that very question. While the questioner’s circumstances are not the same as mine, the question remains.
Today, I think I’ll focus on the question of timing, since that was one of the main issues in the thread going around my MOT club.
I feel like I’m coming up on “the window.” You know what I mean. I don’t really want my kids to be significantly less than 3 years apart, in large part because I’d like to have my older kids in preschool at least part time if/when a new little one joins the party. But I don’t really want them to be much more than four years apart, because that starts to become a rather large separation and it just gets harder for them to play together. Therefore, my “window” for getting pregnant is from when my kids are about 2 and until they’re about 3. And, obviously, my kids are turning two in August. Hence, the near opening of the window.
Aside from all of that, I know there’s only so much you can do with timing. My older kids are going to go through harder and easier phases between now and then, and I can’t attempt to plan around any of that. But in broad strokes, I think it’s a good window. An easier (relatively) age for the kids, plus I’m still in my very early 30s. Once we start to hit fall of 2011… kids will be 4, I’ll be 33. By that time, if we haven’t decided to try for more, then I think we can just call it a day and be done with it.
The one thing I need to accomplish before I attempt to get pregnant again (which remains a very huge IF, both in my mind and in M’s) is to lose some weight. Yeah, sure, everyone says that. But I’m still about 20 lbs heavier than when I got pregnant with my kids, and even that number was way too high to begin with. Not only do I not want to add another pregnancy worth of weight onto what I’ve already got going on, but I have a theory… That theory is on how I became pregnant with spontaneous fraternal twins. I have no family history of twins. I’m young. I wasn’t on any fertility meds. The one “risk factor” I’ve seen that could explain it? Weight. Higher body fat = higher estrogen, which could be connected to the double-dropping. Can I prove it? Of course not. But still… let’s not mess around, shall we?
What do you guys think about timing between kids, especially post-twins? Did you have an idea and then throw it out the window? Do you have a plan? Do you have a good or bad experience with separation between siblings?
To throw your weight theory out the window, I got pregnant with spontaneous fraternal twins and I was extremely fit at the time. 15% body fat and low BMI. Too much free time on my hands for running and strength training!
Here is what I would do. I would try to time it so the baby was born during an equilibrium phase rather than a disequilibrium phase. 1.5 was pretty tough with Alex. 2.5 was very tough with Nate. Heading into 3.5, things look like they will be insane with both boys for different reasons. Nate for his utter and complete defiance and spiritedness and Alex for his must touch everything in the entire and be completely hyper ness.
Moxie had a huge debate on ideal timing. You could check that out.
But really I’m sure you will deal with it exactly as you deal with twins: getting through it one day at a time.
.-= LauraC´s last blog ..A day in the life, now with more marshmallow! =-.
Ha. Planning. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. And then for good measure: hahahahahahaha
Oh and I don’t recommend a sixteen month difference between your singleton and the twins. Just not wise.
.-= jane´s last blog ..A riddle wrapped up in an enigma =-.
Man, this is a tough one. I feel like I am kind of at the same place as you are, although several of my friends have had babies recently and I must admit I have kind of been thinking “Wouldn’t it be nice to have just ONE more.” Key word in that sentence is one.
But, at the same time, I do like where we are right now…less planning for outings, more flexibility, more independence and ability to do things for themselves, etc. Plus, I am almost 33 and I have told myself that is my cutoff age. So, as it stands right now, what I do know is that if I don’t decide to (try to) have more kiddos by next summer, I am going to stick with what I have. And be totally happy.
.-= Erin´s last blog ..New Fascinations =-.
Can you really “time” this? I tried with our first and it took 2 years. I’m actually writing a post that Krissy might post at HDYDI about deciding when my kids were 5 months old to try for another – and actually starting. No luck so far but can’t talk about it on my blog because don’t really need family thinking about us “trying” if you get my drift.
.-= Mommy, Esq.´s last blog ..Thursday is for Testing: Penny Update =-.
For me, I always wanted my kids close n age because my sisters and I were close in age and I really enjoyed that growing up. In my mind, I wanted to “try” after my twins turn 1. I can’t really start now because I’m not ovulating, what with all the milk production…
But I’m with Mommy Esq. on this one – you never know how long it will (or won’t) take so once you decide you do want one, might as well get started!!
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Way Back When-esday: This one time when I touched Jon Bon Jovi =-.
I really want a third child. I was thinking about the exact thing last night. I totally agree with you and decided (in my own head) that if I can convince my husband we would have to start trying when the girls are 2 (almost ten months now). Hopefully this time it would not take a year to get pregnant and we will get pregnant with one baby. OMG I don’t know what I would do if I had twins again:)
.-= mamaloves´s last blog ..june pictures =-.
Ok, now that I’m done laughing at Jane’s post, I have to agree with Mommy Esq. Hopefully, you can plan it down to the wire, but it is risky to count on it. So hard to predict and control, this having kids thing. So annoying.
I think that your response to someone else was best—people often find their timing is perfect because they can’t imagine their family any other way. You cope, you deal, you adapt…and you (usually) end up pretty happy with what you’ve decided.
Here’s hoping the decision making for you is easy and painless.
Obviously Rebecca and Mommy Esq are totally right, some things you just can’t plan. I’m working on the assumption that things would go similarly to the first time, but you just never know. We’ll see, if we see…
We always said we wanted two or three kids and now that we have our 6.5 month old boys we know we want to try for a singleton but no time soon. Most of the moms in my MoT club stopped after their twins and look at me like I’m crazy when I mention wanting to have “just one more”.
I almost didn’t bother writing…you know my opinion
GO FOR IT!! *grin*
The 3rd is so, so easy. The pregnancy was different – I won’t say it was easier, because it had it’s own problems. But the whole raising a 3rd kid is so much easier. I totally get that whole “feed on demand” thing now – and I was such a schedule Nazi with the twins. And the nap schedule…it’s a lot more loose because it has to be with the twins’ school/activity schedule. I think Logan is pretty laid back because of it.
It’s neat to put all of the parenting skills you’ve learned to use immediately (and frustrating when you think “I USED to know how to do that…”) but so worth it.
I’ll echo what you wrote. I can’t imagine life without our 3rd
.-= Nancy´s last blog ..Way Back When-esday =-.
I have to agree with Nancy…#3 is much easier, no schedule-nazi-ness. Littly guys was an “oops”…forgot to renew my BC Rx and forgot to tell hubby…a bottle of wine later…PREGO! That made our decision for us! The twins were just 3 mths shy of their 4th bday when little guy came along. What great helpers! And they’ve been GREAT big bros! (Yes, we have “sibling” issues, but few and far btwn). And as Nancy said, #3 is so independant because he thinks he’s as old as his bros. COULD NOT imagine life w/out him. I say he’s my gift for surviving twins.
GOod luck with your decision!
I have a whole lot to say on this subject, as I have been thinking about #3 a lot. However, Jay and I are still not on the same page, and we are pretty private about this particular discussion/decision.
That said, if we did have a #3, I wouldn’t want them any close than 3 years apart. For me, I needed my kids to be somewhat physically self-sufficient (able to get in and out of a car seat, walk up stairs, not need to be carried everywhere) as I think being pregnant with all the twin-lifting would be very hard on a person’s body, specifically mine, as I have a torn disc in my lumbar spine. I also don’t want three in diapers at the same time.
My #1 concern with trying for another baby is the potential toll it would take on my marriage, and how far I would be willing to go if we needed infertility treatments again. Because we had both male and female factor infertility, there is a strong possibility that we would need to do ovulation-induction again…and what if it was twins or triplets? And if I jump on the baby train, and I can’t conceive, how far am I willing to ride that train? I think the cost and physical (GIANT NEEDLES) issue of IVF eliminates that option for us…
Can you tell this is on my mind a lot?! But so far, no clear answers. I am going to keep praying for wisdom on this one!
My boys are 16 months and I am ready for number 3 (or 4). This will almost certainly be our last pregnancy assuming I can talk my husband into trying as 33 is just over the horizon for me and 40 is looming large for him, and while I would really like to experience what I can only imagine as a stress free happy singleton pregnancy I would be as equally elated if not more so to add another two to the mix. Crazy. I know. And how we would manage it I can only imagine. I suspect the same way we do now – one day at a time with a sense of humor.
Truthfully though for me, I don’t think my life would be complete without more. And given the two years it took us to have the boys I am afaid if we wait much longer the risks would just be too high.
I had my single first and because of fertility problems (and age, we didn’t want her to be an only child with older parents) I was told my best chance to have another was to do it asap. So when she was 6 months we started IVF again and we were pregnant on the first try … with twins.
The worst part was the worry and guilt … always wondering if everyone was getting enough attention and the diapers OMG the diapers for three kids…can’t even describe how much time was spent daily just changing diapers.
The best part … everything else. I really wanted another girl so my daughter could have a sister ( I have 3 and dearly love them all) and I had always wanted a boy…it worked out perfect.
There are the some challenges with sibling issues but very few … my oldest doesn’t remember a time without the twins so there was no adjustment for her in the beginning.
I absolutely love having 3 … we split up errands on the weekends and one takes a single child and the other takes two…they all seem happy to either be the single or part of just a twosome.
Good luck on your decision.
I’m pretty much on the same page as you- and about the same age. Who’s going to blink first? Heehee. I would definitely want my twinnies to be pre-school age if I bring another nipper. Of course, I have this lovely fantasy that if a had a baby when my girls were 4 they would adopt it and raise it as their own. Give bottles, change diapers, push the stroller, while I could sit around eating bons bons.
Not bloody likely, I know, but a girl can dream!
.-= Jungle Mom´s last blog ..Sneaky, Sneaky Mommy =-.