There are a million benefits, large and small, to living near your family. But I never would have guessed that my marriage would be strained because we live too far from my mother.
This past weekend, my in-laws came to town for a visit. And one of the best parts, aside from my kids’ absolute delight at being fawned over by their beloved grandparents, was that M and I got to go out for dinner.
It’s almost embarrassing how infrequently we go out on a date these days. Think on the order of three times a year. Yes, fellow mom-friends and I have talked about trading nights with each other’s kids. Yes, I finally have a babysitter. I’m certainly hoping to improve on our current pace. But the fact is that there is nothing quite so lovely as having a grandparent step up and offer to come over. They adore the kids and want to spend more time with them. They don’t charge $10 or $15 an hour. They shoo you out of the house and happily feed the kids dinner and give them a bath.
We have tried to do at-home date nights. We got our Netflix subscription, and planned to at least make it a point to watch a movie together every Friday night. But life still gets in the way. Something else gets planned, or we forget, or neither of us is in the mood for a movie. We get distracted by the computer, the laundry, the sewing machine. And even if we do make it happen… the movie ends and we’re still at our house. Surrounded by our to-do lists or our quiet hobbies to which we’d like to escape.
We’ve definitely felt the strain over the last two and a half years. Just so tired, so burned out. All I want at the end of the day is quiet, and sadly, that often means I’m not even in the mood to chat it up with my poor husband. So much to do, so little time. I have a really hard time breaking out of household-CEO-mode.
But when we go out… there’s no grocery shopping, no forgotten ingredient for the meal I was going to make. No toddlers to take to the potty. No fights to referee, no tub to fill. No dirty dishes to clean. Someone else makes whatever dish I choose, and refills my glass of wine upon request. And beyond that, we get left alone. We can catch up, chat, tell stories, remember old jokes. No distraction. It feels like magic.
So, yes. I’ll make an effort to call on my new babysitter for some Friday and Saturday (or, hell, Wednesday) nights. I’ll try to actually swap evenings with friends so we can all have a night out. But there’s nothing like having that family nearby, practically begging us to go out again so they can have a night with the kids all to themselves (or, dare I dream, a sleepover at grandpa’s house?!).
And you wonder why I want to move to Chicago.
I used to feel like that, that it would just be easier if we had help. Then I finally found an awesome babysitter, someone who used to be a teacher in their 1s room. Now she comes at least two times a month for me & Jon to go out and one time a month for me when Jon travels. Marriage changing, I tell ya.
I look at it as money we would have spent on marriage counseling.
The key is that she knows how to deal with poop emergencies and potty training kids and multiple kids doing antics and trying to get them to go to sleep. And she KNOWS my kids.
Kind of like paid family? Oh and she lives five minutes away and loves to go out with her friends at 10 when we get home!
.-= LauraC´s last blog ..Swimming, swimming in the swimming pool =-.
Amen sister.
.-= jane´s last blog ..Ch-ch-ch-changes =-.
I live close to my parents and I don’t get that. It’s something I would commiserate about on my blog except my mom reads it.
This is one of those ironic things, like moms with wild success BFing who can’t get their kids to take a bottle before they have to go back to work. People whose parents live far away are DYING to babysit and take the kids out on fun activities but they can’t, being so far away. Then the parents that live close by are useless. Or, mine are, at least.
I have been thinking about moving away because I figure, what’s the point? I see my mom and my sister once a week for a couple hours, max! Meanwhile, I live in an expensive area with no friends since all of my friends moved away already. It’s a wonder we haven’t moved down to ES. If it was up to me (and I found a cure for arachnophobia), we would be down there right now.
.-= Nicole´s last blog ..Sitter Worthy? =-.
How great that you and M got to have a nice evening out AND the kids got some quality time with the grandparents! T and I have not had one single date night since the kids were born, but for us it’s okay. Even before we had kids, we hardly ever went out. We prefer take-out and Saturday night has been Netflix movie night for years. But I can certainly see that our way is not everyone’s cup of tea. And while it would/will be sad to see you go, I can certainly understand your reasons.
.-= reanbean´s last blog ..Buba’s New Hairdo =-.
I hear you on getting caught up in your own quiet hobbies at the end of the day. We often find ourselves sitting in the same room, wine poured, him on the computer and me on the Kindle…not speaking. Then, one of us will get up and go off to bed. That down time IS important.
But so is kid-free, re-connection time. We are lucky to have my parents who are readily available and familiar with how we like things done. They’re free, too, of course. We use them for longer periods of time or when giving the kids dinner may be involved.
There is something to be said for a well-like babysitter though. It’s a treat for us AND the kids think it’s really, really special. I know she lets Alaina stay up reading with her later than we would but, we turn the blind-eye because Alaina really, really enjoys the one-on-one attention. We also pay her slightly less per hour when the kids are sleeping versus awake.
.-= Cynthia´s last blog ..Considering Plan B =-.
I’m so glad that you and hubby enjoyed your time together. If my MIL lived nearer, we’d certainly find it easier to manage things, and take time as a couple (in those years that Lucas is home). My Mum, though? NO WAY! She’s terrified of the children, and we wouldn’t leave them alone with her even if she were willing. She’s a cruel manipulative you-know-what.
I find that our nightly phone calls work well for us. 4/7 nights, we talk nothing but business – raising the kids, maintaining the house, all the nitty gritty of living life. Nearly half the time, though, we’re able to have a real conversation, with real content. Of course, he won’t have a phone number in Afghanistan.
My MIL arrives tonight. I’m SOOOOOO excited!
.-= Sadia´s last blog ..Oh, baby! =-.
My family lives nearby and my parents just offered to come for this Saturday night – this is the SECOND time in almost TWO YEARS that they offered. And they are very generous people. It’s just that they have their own friends and like to do things on the weekends, and their house in Maine in the summer time that calls them away. My mom likes “popping in” and then out again after a couple of hours, so I can COMPLETELY relate to Nicole. The worst is that she thinks she does so much for us. I mean, she’s wonderful, but really if it weren’t for our nanny my marriage would be severly strained.
It is easier for us when my in-laws fly in because they have no other plans other than spending time with their grandkids.
Aaron and I stay connected by watching TV shows after the kids are in bed (we talk during it although he often pauses b/c doesn’t want to miss anything). It helps that my hobby is TV – he just plays his computer games after I go to bed. And it HUGELY helps that my nanny plans kids meals, does their laundry, empties our dishwasher, etc. so our chore duties at night are VERY light.
.-= Mommy, Esq.´s last blog ..You’re my boy, Blue! =-.
We just found a new babysitter for Cameron that I actually felt comfortable leaving her with and letting her do the bedtime routine. Not surprisingly, like Laura’s, she is a former teacher of Cameron’s! Most of the teachers at her daycare are older but this one is in her early 20s so it’s perfect. Too bad she lives so far away and works two jobs or I’d have her come over more often.
.-= Stacey´s last blog ..One small step for us, one giant step for Cameron =-.
I definitely do not wonder why you want to move to Chicago. My mother-in-law is a freakin’ godsend when it comes to Lucy and if we did not have Ed’s family nearby, I would’ve checked myself into an insane asylum and I’m only 12 weeks in. Sleepovers at grandma’s are how I recharge, we go on dates, we still see our friends – it makes me want to move to the ‘burbs to be closer to them and you know how I feel about the ‘burbs. I wish we lived closer – I would gladly babysit for you guys – baths, dinner, and all
When my mom was alive, I held on to my own dream of moving back to the Chicago area (where we are both from ) to be nearer to family but I gave up that dream a good few years ago, knowing it was pointless to want something I’d never have. Now my mom has passed away so there’s no point longing to move anymore, really.
In my world, after a full day with my 3 boys, meeting their needs, cleaning up, chasing them, chores, errands, working, etc. The hard fact is I don’t want to see anyone, do anything, or speak to anyone, about anything, and that includes my husband, after the kids to to bed!
We usually zone out in front of the TV after the last kid goes to bed at 8:30 PM sharp. By that point I have been going strong since 5:30 or 6 AM (including weekends) so that makes a 15 hour day, 7 days a week. Our marriage is definitely on the “back burner”. In fact, its not even on the stovetop.
I have to echo earlier posters that having family around is not always the dream scenario you think it will be. My husband and I moved cross country to be near my family and thought it would be brilliant if my parents actually moved in with us (house was big enough to fit us all comfortably, and arguably still is) however, none of the dreaminess of having full-time grandparents has paid-off. The early days were great and we all enjoyed being together again, but after nearly 2 years we’re at each others throats. My marriage is suffering, my relationship with my parents is suffering, I’m suffering…fortunately the kids are oblivious and just happy to have 4 adults at their beck and call….I guess I’m just looking for a place to vent, but my real point is that the grass is always greener and that the very scenario you were able to have with the aid of grandparent babysitters is one that is necessary no matter the circumstances. My husband and I desparately need a night out and as ridiculous as it sounds we have to wait for my parents to go out of town so that we can hire a babysitter and get it….whatever it takes, spending time as a couple is good for the marriage and good for the family!!
i wholeheartedly agree with you on this one. there is nothing like having a grandparent around for many, many reasons. on a weekly basis i am so grateful that jordan’s mom moved to austin. so you either have to move back to chi-town or convince some grandparents to move to you!
Moving closer to my parents when I was six months pregnant with my first child was one of the smartest things I’ve ever done. Of course, it helped that we had career reasons for doing so as well. My mom, in particular, is SUPER helpful. We still don’t go on a ton of dates because my parents already babysit a lot so I can meet my PhD obligations, but I can’t imagine not living near them. My mom takes Emilia to the zoo or a play or just out for fun just the two of them at least a couple times per month. As far as “dates” go, we have a hot date every Friday night after the kids go to bed–appetizers, tasty drinks, Netflix, and a Papa Murphy’s or frozen pizza. Another great idea is a gym date night. I pack up the kids every Wednesday evening and meet the hubby there on his way home from work. The kids go into the childcare center while we lift weights together and chat, then do some cardio (during which time there is very little chatting, but lots of heavy breathing). It makes for a little untraditional night because we have to give the baby dinner beforehand and the 3-year-old dinner at 7:30, then we have dinner after the kids are in bed. But it’s worth it. Not only do we get a little adults-only time without the TV every week, we’re also getting fit! Even if you’re not into exercising together, you could have a weekly date at the gym cafe or salon (if your gym has those) for smoothies or a couple’s massage.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..Double Digits! =-.