Seriously, forget about that whole “we’re Jewish” thing. I need to schedule an exorcism ASAP to deal with the demon that has inhabited my son.
I almost don’t know where to start. I feel like my blood pressure is through the roof, my heart is racing, and I’m liable to fall down in a heap at any moment. Such is parenting Daniel at age 2 years, 11 months.
When he is good, he is very very good. He is curious and inquisitive, always asking how something works, what we’re going to do next, and “what kind of thing” is his version of “why” in the realm of never-ending toddler questioning. He is incredibly charming. If he is so inclined, he can work a room like nobody’s business. We’ve been out for lunch and had several waitresses fawning over him and people coming over from other tables to compliment him. A barista at our local Starbucks is positively in love with him, and has started insisting I bring him in on their birthday next month. He has delightful manners, lots of spontaneous “Mama, may I pweese have X?” and casual “oh, sanks” when you give him something. He is funny and silly and bright and highly verbal and has a memory like a steel trap.
And sometimes I would like to clamp him in a steel trap.
Because the other side of Daniel is a complete psychopath. There are scarcely words to describe it. Defiant and contrary doesn’t even begin. When he’s in a mood, and I don’t think I’m exaggerating to say he spends about 50% of his day in this kind of mood, he is nothing short of a nightmare. Picking fights over everything, from what to have for breakfast to putting the toilet paper in the toilet. I’m not kidding. Sometimes it’s a pursed face, a pout, angry eyebrows. Silence. Daring me. I ask him to do something. He covers his eyes with his hands, face still angry. I count to 1. Staring me down. I count to 2. A shrieked “NO!” and a stomped foot. That’s three, into time out.
My kids have always handled time outs pretty well. Very often I could just send them and they’d walk there themselves. They almost never got out before I told them to. Sometimes there was crying, but not always.
Now? Now, with Daniel, it’s another way to test me. “NO! I DON’T WANT A TIME OUT!” He gets up. I put him back. He stays there, but lashes out. Hits anything in reach – the chair, the door, a book. Screams and yells at the top of his lungs. Sometimes just an angry “AAHH!” Sometimes a positively furious “NO!”
I ignore it. If he’s in his time out and not destroying anything or hurting anyone, I ignore it because I know he just wants to further engage me in another fight. The screaming continues well after the timer beeps and I (as quietly and calmly as I possibly can) tell him he may get down. He keeps right on screaming.
And then, as quickly as the nastiness begins, the psycho switch flips and he walks out. “Mommy, what are you making?”, he asks with wonder and curiosity and reverence. I tell him I’m making lunch. “Oohh. Peanut butter and jelly sandwich?” Yep. “Ooohhh. Sank you, Mommy.”
Literally one sentence, one second to the next. He flips from having a complete temper tantrum to back to his normal self. I have emotional whiplash from the back and forth. Because it goes back in the other direction just as fast. Sometimes I know what is likely to set him off (naptime, OMFG), and sometimes it’s a complete shock.
We were in Starbucks this morning, I gave the kids a warning that it was almost time to go home. Daniel responds with, “oh, OK! I’m ready to go now.” Tosses his chocolate milk in the trash, gleefully shouts “see you later!” to the entire staff, and practically skips out the door. I ask him to hold my hand while we cross the parking lot, and BAM. “I DON’T WANT TO GO HOME! I DON’T WANT TO HOLD YOUR HAND! WAAAAAHHHHH!” Bucks in the carseat so I can’t get the seat belt on. Shouts at his sister. Get home, and he refuses to take the seat belt OFF. More crying. Another disastrous time out. Another freaky switch back to normal behavior. Back and forth and back and forth, all day long.
There are people who meet him and think I must be crazy. What a delightful child you have! He’s so sweet! So funny! So smart! So charming! But I know. I know it can, and will, turn on a dime.
I am completely, emotionally, mentally, and physically drained. I try and try not to lose my temper. I try to stay calm, stay quiet, not engage with the fight-picking and power struggles. I try to be consistent and predictable. I try not to hold a grudge from the awful times and to encourage the good ones instead of launching into a tirade about how awful he was behaving and why it’s driving me over the edge. When he flips back to nice-Daniel, I try to act happy and pile on the good attention and compliment his nice manners.
It almost goes without saying that sometimes I do a whole lot better than others. Sometimes I don’t do very well at all. Sometimes I yell. Sometimes I slam a door. More than I’d really care to admit. It’s not pretty. But I try.
I’m at a loss, to be honest. I’m not sure where to go next. I don’t know how to get rid of this insanely bipolar behavior. If there’s an effective punishment to be had, I’m not exactly sure what it is. (Did I mention he’s become a retaliatory urinator? Yes, intentional peeing when he’s extra pissed off and I send him to his room.) I’m not sure how to reward the good behavior enough for it to have an effect but without going overboard. But it’s awful. I re-read this post and know that I’m not even doing justice to the insanity. M and I sometimes just stare at each other with our mouths open, wondering what the hell just happened.
I know, from reading blogs of some of you moms with slightly older kids and talking to friends, that this is pretty well within the realm of “normal” behavior for this age. I know that the testing limits is developmentally appropriate. But, alas, that knowledge does not stop me from wanting to smack the taste out of his mouth, and we are NOT a physical-discipline family. I just want more time with my sweet, sweet boy who is so funny and so smart and so delightful. But even when that sweet boy appears, I’m still on edge. Waiting for the other shoe to drop (or for it to be picked up and thrown on the floor in a fit of rebellion).
SERENITY, NOW!
Um okay. I didn’t want to be the first to EVER pipe up and say “wait until the 3s”… but wait until the 3s.
With Nate, we have always noticed a HUGE upswing in insanity the month before his birthday. You are describing his behavior the month before he turned 3 to a T. I consider it a warning shot across my bow to get my crap together. Then he calms down for a little bit then right at .25 he starts in on the same behavior and it continues to .75ish.
So I will tell you to RIGHT NOW procure yourself a copy of Your Three Year Old. It will scare the crap out of you but if he’s trying you now, you need to be ready.
3.5 is the only time I came close to hitting Nate. 3.5 is the time I SCREAMED “I don’t fucking care what you want!” into his face. 3.5 is when I sobbed wondering how I raised such a terrible heathen and we had to leave MANY MANY places with a screaming Nate.
I tell you all of this not to scare you but to help you prepare. Maybe it will be easier than you think, but I really struggled with Nate in the 3s. And if you think they talk now OOOOHHH BOY the talking does not stop in the 3s.
The upside is he is amazingly and utterly delightful in the 4s. It’s so freaking EASY in the 4s.
LauraC recently posted..A move and two books
Oh, hon, I get it. Three was the hardest. My sweet sweet Jessica was The Tantrum Monster. OMG! At four, sweet Jess came back. You can make it. (I even got to do away with the daily tantrum report!)
Sadia recently posted..The Fourth at four
OH WAIT.
I also needed to come back and say 3 is when we had to evaluate how much we said no to the boys. I lived by a schedule and a set of rules for 3 years and it had to ALL be revisited. I let them pick breakfast, pick their clothes, whatever, because I realized they wanted more choices and more control.
But seriously, Your Three Year Old is VITAL INFO. They talk all about fights with the mother, why they do this, what you can do, different tactics to try. It is the best of the series.
LauraC recently posted..A move and two books
You will excuse me when I tell you that I laughed until I cried while reading your post. Not because I am evil but because you just described my Aaron right now. Word for word. Right down to the “sanks”
Three is hard. Thankfully I knew it was coming because it was hard with my sweet ANGEL Alaina. Hard. Like Laura, I found myself saying things I don’t know where they came from. I cried. I cried TO her. And Aaron has been more challenging and willful from day one so, there will be a lot of wine coming into our house this year…. LOL!
And then, came four. Four was a return to serenity. And sanity! Hang in there. It’s so worth it when you get to the other side. Get babysitters when you need them and find yourself a little time-out spot. You’ll probably need it!
LauraC: I will be grabbing myself a copy of that book TONIGHT.
Cynthia recently posted..Proof
I feel your pain, sort of. I think my kids may have reached the height of this behavior about a month ago (which actually coincides with Daniel’s timing b/c our kids are about a month apart). I think I sort of expected this from Bree (is that awful to say?), but I was really surprised that Cullen, who is normally so laid back and go with the flow, was actually a bit worse. He would just break down at the drop of a hat for no known reason. It was awful. Things have started to mellow out a bit, but there are still remnants of the behavior. I really have no advice except for to endure. Nothing I tried really worked…I wish it had for both our sake and yours. So, here’s hoping that Daniel will turn things around in time for their birthday.
I must admit that reading the comments made me a little nervous for the year of 3. I naively thought the worst was behind us, but now I am afraid that it might be yet to come.
Erin S. recently posted..Tap- tap- tap…is this thing on
Hang in there! It sounds like you are doing everything you can. Be sure to take some quality me-time whenever you can and do things that help you relax and re-energize. Thank goodness they’re not both going through this at the same time, huh?!
Tara recently posted..In Honor of Two Great Fathers
I am not looking forward to that stage at all. I feel like one of mine will be exactly like that. I am seeing some early signs. I would suggest checking out the book Nurture by Nature. Pinning down his personality traits and using the suggested strategies might help understand him better. Worth a shot! I will enjoy my nightmares of future evilisms tonight
Wowser, that’s sounds terrible. You need to head to the spa, Madam, for some much deserved R&R.
It’s interesting, I’m reading Nurtureshock now, and it makes a lot of amazing parenting points that never occurred to me, like the fact that for kids, arguing with a parent is a sign of respect. Though it may look and feel like the opposite, it truly is respect. He’s arguing and constantly engaging with you because he cares what you think and say. If he didn’t, he would just ignore you and do his own thing. That he feels comfortable enough to shout at you (and occasionally be totally awful to you) shows that he is secure enough in your love to test every boundary going. I’m sure this is little comfort in the midst of a blazing row, but- you are doing everything right.
And seriously- the spa.
Jungletwins recently posted..Lulu’s Reign of Terror
I loved your phrase, “slap the taste out of his mouth.” That is classic and I hope you don’t mind if I steal it. Reading your blog post and having a teeny tiny glimps into the future with Cameron’s current behavior make me think one and done could be my new motto!
Stacey recently posted..Struggling with daycare decision
omg. i…um….uh….well…i’m scared. scared for two years from now, lol. i feel like i need to start getting ready NOW. especially after reading the comments here!
here’s hoping your sweet boy shows his face a little more often!
April recently posted..Turning Over a New Leaf
Yikes (because my boy/girl twinkies are just behind yours in age!!)! Hang in there! Sounds like you are doing a great job overall to have such a polite child (when he’s good). Poor you–my daughter pulls the Dr Jekyll/Ms Hyde thing, although not quite as extreme as your son (yet), and it sucks. I just met another twins’ mom at our neighborhood parade who said that every 6 months it gets easier. Her aunt who has 2 sets of twins told her this and I think, based on our first 2.4 years that she may be on to something. Anyway, perhaps you are due for an incremental change soon?!
Pam recently posted..Happy 4th of July-
Did you steal my son. He is also 2 years 11 months old and the behavior is exactly the same. Experienced parents keep saying wait until three and I have decided that I would skip is third year if it didn’t mean skipping his brother’s second year.
If you find anything that works besides time, please, please share your secrets with me.
Emily recently posted..This is how you do it
I so, so understand.
Hang in, by your fingertips if need be, and ride it out. I am already seeing vast improvement with Jonathan. However, in the worst of the worst, I was considering sedatives. Him, me, didn’t matter, as long as one of us could be drugged.
Also, I don’t allow the kids to come out of time up until the screaming/defiance stops. Just a personal preferance that works for me. Also, I had to move our time out stop to a place where they couldn’t see me, because they were actually manipulating me into conversing/arguing with them. Complete separation from me seems to be a better punishment.
I am not sure if you pray, so I will pray for you.
Krissy recently posted..Her Very Own Dumbo
Ugh! The Theatrical Threes. About that same age was the first time one of mine stormed up the stairs and slammed her bedroom door for the first time. The drama in our house was unbelievable.
Age 2 is really not as terrible as you are lead to believe. Age 3 sucks. Age 3.5 makes you wonder if they’ll live to see 4. Age 4 was utterly blissful after surviving the 3s. A beautiful little reward for not killing them. At least that’s what we experienced.
Rhonda recently posted..Theres nothing like a carnival
I feel for you! Being that emotionally drained is bound to take a toll on you! Taking care of yourself is key – so you can better DEAL with their demands. I learned this late and am still learning it.
Have you joined a gym with childcare? If so, going there daily should be mandatory even if all you do is sit in the lobby and read a magazine! Or considered a “mothers helper” ? Or built into your day at least a short time you know will be “yours” and the kids are otherwise engaged. Having that time DAILY is something you deserve and it is not a luxury – it is a necessity. Engaging with little ones for so many hours a day is so trying even when the behavior is “good”. I waited wAAAAy too long to join a gym with childcare. Now my boys love going to the “kids gym” and I get a workout. I sweat out all the stress and can deal so much better with whatever else the day throws at me- and can ride out the storms.
To add to my comment, it was inspired by your statment that you are “completely emotionally, mentally and physically drained”. I have been in that place! My boys are 3 years 1 month old. We are in the thick of potty “learning”. For me it has usually been a matter of how much I chose to engage in their behavior. I have done plenty of yelling and my temper is lost many a time. I find that slowing the pace and lowering my expectations has been key. We avoid big transitions and never do more than 2 outings per day (1 morning, 1 afternoon). Sometimes intentionally limiting what we do is the key. NOt that it will help you at all- but I want to encourage you to find space for YOU in the day. No the kids, not the chores. YOU.
Oh man – I so feel your pain. I was at a loss when Burke hit that stage as well. (And I’m starting to catch glimpses of Logan going there. God help us both.)
We can chat tonight…remind me to sing you our “grumpies song”
Nancy recently posted..Way Back When-esday
Good times. This being a mom thing is hard, huh? You want my advice? (I’ll just assume you are nodding your head yes…) Give YOURSELF a time out. Get a sitter. Leave as soon as M gets home, whatever. But get yourself out of your house, away from your kids on a regular schedule, every day, even if you are just going for a walk around the block. You may not be able to control Daniel’s behavior, but you can control yours. IF you let YOURSELF blow off some steam. Regularly. It helps more than I can possibly articulate here. It increases patience. Seriously. It sucks to be wary of your kid all the time. Hello, exhausting! So, arm yourself. Gather rations. Get some alone time going. Replenish. Ok?
Kami recently posted..Mommy Day Camp
I am so so sorry. What a nightmare. I have no advice, and am now (after reading the comments) completely terrified about what may lie ahead for us. I’ve already got a 2-year-old who hits me and laughs in my face when I say “no”. And, like you, I’m on edge when he’s good, not knowing if he’s coming to hug me or hit me when I see him raise his little hand towards me. Hang in there. And I second the going to the spa idea. You definitely deserve some extra R&R.
reanbean recently posted..4th of July Fun
Well, there you have it. First the ‘Nap Post’ and now this one. I see that my son has a secret, second family and you must be his secret, second mom.
We should get our sons together and see if we can get them both to go off at the same time (maybe suggest nap time?) just to see what the actual upper limits of their combined insanity could bring….
And then when they are done freaking out we could bring them to a local diner where they would have the entire place eating out of the palms of their hands because they are THE most charming, adorable, well-behaved almost 3-year-old boys you could ever want to meet.
Date?
That describes both of my kids (now 3 & 4.5). Thanks. I am constantly complimented on their behavior wherever we go. I have to wonder about the parents whose kids aren’t behaving out and about. What are they like at home? My daughter (3) is actually the sane one right now, while my son flips out over everything. With throwing and screaming and crying and lashing out. I have been known to call it preschool PMS because I swear it must be hormonal. There is no way someone can shift personalities that quickly otherwise…
Christy recently posted..BlogHer and the Private Party Myth
Oh my gosh!!! I am in the same boat with my soon to be three year old daughter. I just put something like, “‘Terrible 2′s’ should be changed to ‘terrible 3′s’. Please, I need an old priest and a young priest…when you fine ‘em, I’ll give you my address,” on my Facebook status. Then, for fun, I Google’d “I need an old priest and a young priest” and I found your blog. I am at my wit’s end with this child and she only just started acting like this a few weeks ago!!! Like your son, she’s very very good when she’s being…good. She’s beautiful, intelligent, social, etc. But she whines over EVERYTHING!!!!!! “Developmentally appropriate”…hell, just tell us how to make it stop!!!!!
Thanks for your post….just glad I’m not in the boat alone!