Oh, I didn’t want to be back here. When I thought ahead to my full-term singleton, you can bet I was thinking about the logistics of rooming in, not remembering my way to the special-care nursery. Frankly, I think anyone who has had direct experience with the NICU has mixed feelings. Obviously, we are grateful for the expert care that helps our babies get well. But nobody wants to be there in the first place. And I will admit that I had high hopes for redemption this time around, that I would get to do this the “normal” way.
But, like it or not, that’s where my baby needs to be. Turns out she required a fair amount of intervention upon her arrival in the unit. By the time I saw her an hour or so later, she had pinked up quite a bit. And while she was still coughing and spitting up some gunk from her lungs, at least she was doing so under her own power.
Friday evening, before I was particularly mobile on my own, the neonatologist came to talk to me about what they were watching. Suddenly, it felt like there was a laundry list of ailments. While her breathing had already improved, she appeared to have some significant swelling/edema. She had a particularly deep sacral dimple that they wanted to get an ultrasound on. A few other items on the list made it seem like there was something unidentified, but not at all good, going on.
It was a worried, fitful night’s sleep for this mama, even before the constant checks from the nurses.
But morning came. The oxygen bubble was off of her head and she was breathing much more calmly and clearly. The ultrasound came back normal. I was able to hold her and attempt a few minutes of breastfeeding (not especially successful, but an attempt nonetheless).
Was I happy about the fact that she was there and not in my room with me? Of course not. But I’m starting to readjust my view of our situation. The redemption I’d been hoping for is not gone, it’s redefined. It’s no longer about getting off to the great start that I “missed” the first time, but about taking what I learned and turning around a bumpy beginning.
I certainly don’t love being attached to the pump, but I’m trying to embrace it as a tool, a bridge, to get me where I want to go. Instead of just resenting every minute I spend with it. I’m confident that my milk will come in, and even if the first weeks are a hassle of nursing and pumping and supplementing, I can do it. It doesn’t last forever.
I don’t yet know, for sure, whether or not Eleanor will come home with me when I’m discharged on Tuesday. Am I hopeful? Yes. But if she has to stay an extra day or so, I know it isn’t the end of the world.
I’m finding some second-timer zen about the whole thing. Oh, I’m not without worry. But I know that all of this is temporary.
It also helps, of course, that Eleanor had a great day today. The story has only improved in the 12 hours since I started writing this post. She is now in an open-air crib instead of a warmer, has weaned completely off of oxygen and her IV, and is taking feeds by mouth nicely. The swelling is noticeably better.
All we need now is a nice long stretch of being stable. Stable breathing, good blood sugar, continued good feeding, and no drama… we may yet have a ticket out of this joint.
The road to redemption, indeed.
I am so glad to hear that she is doing so well!!! I know what you mean about having those high hopes that a single full term baby would be different, that’s how I feel if we are ever fortunate enough to have a third. But I am glad to hear you have a found peace that your previous knowledge has given you. I pray these next couple days go well and you will be able to go home together!!
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Happy to hear your upbeat tone. I think Eleanor is just making sure that you know that just because there is only one of her doesn’t mean she can’t cause as much impact as her big twin siblings. Message received, I’m sure! Hope you both get home on Tuesday xxx
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Hooray for Eleanor! Hooray for big improvements! (and hooray for wi-fi updates). Hope you are able to carry your second-timer zen into some rest and recovery. Good luck in the days ahead.
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Congratulations! Eleanor is beautiful! I’m so happy to hear she’s improving each day
And you have the right perspective. The NICU stay, pumping, supplementing, etc. is just a temporary stage and you will get through it.
So glad to hear she’s doing so well! Keep it up Eleanor!!!
She sure is a trooper! I will pray for all the things you mentioned in the last sentence. And for both of you going home on Tuesday!
Thank you for the updates
Delurking to send my support your way. As the mother of two children who are five years apart, I so admire your bravery and stamina. She’s a beauty and luck to have such a rock of a Mama.
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For me, the second-time-around thing was a huge help. In Matteo’s case, he was very easy, but I have always had it in my head that if X, Y or Z happened, I would know what to do, not get freaked out or sidetracked. Hopefully that will help you maintain your long term goals, esp. concerning BFing. It also helps when you have a baby over 7 lbs – worrying about weight is so stressful in those early days.
Keep us posted on her progress. Things sound like they are moving in the right direction quickly! She’s a fighter, that little Eleanor!
BTW – any nicknames yet??
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BOOOOOOO to not having a victory rooming-in baby. You can be upbeat and pragmatic as hell but I will say BOO BOO BOO.
But YAY for doing better. And yay for healthy baby. And yay for Ellie.
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I love the name Eleanor! And she’s gorgeous and chubby and going to do just fine. A little encouragement on the breastfeeding front. I had a difficult time with breastfeeding twins and then we didn’t get a great start with number three either. My milk was slow and he was not that energetic a feeder and he had jaundice and wasn’t gaining weight. So we were cup feeding him and nursing and pumping and it felt like a do over of all the annoyances of breast feeding the twins. I found a lactation consultant and she was very encouraging and helpful. I did pump for a couple of months because I needed to since my body seems reluctant to produce milk and we always gave the baby one bottle a day of pumped milk or formula but I ended up nursing for a full year and can barely remember all the early frustration and anxiety over it. So persevere! And use all that second time zen.
I keep starting a comment and then stopping because I’m not sure what I want to say. I was there with Brett 2 years ago: 37 week singleton, water broke, and then…a slew of unforeseen things that landed him in the NICU. Knocked the wind out of my sails! It sucks, it really does. And I totally feel for everything you’re feeling.
I’m so glad she’s doing better and hoepfully she will go home with you. In the end, the hard feelings about it do fade with time. Hang in there!
Congratulations!!! Happy to hear that Eleanor is here and doing well – hoping she is even better today! Love the name! So sorry you didn’t get to have her with you right away. I am sending good vibes that she will go home with you tomorrow (and maybe even get to come and stay in your room with you sooner?). And here’s to you losing the pump ASAP!
She is beautiful. I know you’re having a rough day today, but hang in there. You’ve both been through a lot and in a few days time, this will all be a distant memory as you adjust to your new lives at home.
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What a little star Eleanor is! And kudos on the birth weight- very impressive
Sorry you have to go through NICU, part deux, but you’ve definitely got the right attitude- and your little beauty will no doubt have a blissfully worry-free babyhood once you get her home.
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Sounds like you have a great attitude about this whole thing. I am so glad to hear that Eleanor is doing better. She is adorable…I love all of that hair. Hopefully, she will be home with you guys soon and then you can begin to experience the joy of life with a newborn and lots of quality time with your little girl.
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Glad to hear that Eleanor is doing well. I’m sorry she isn’t coming home with you and that youo have to do the NICU thing again. As you know, my NICU experience was after my twins came home. Having babies in the NICU sucks, but it sounds like every day she’s doing better and I’m sure she’ll be home soon!
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So sorry to hear Eleanor has had a rough start in life, but I’m grateful to read she’s doing better. Glad to hear she was a good size. I’m not a parent but I’m reading all the Mommy blogs I can find because I’ll be staying with my step-sister after my nephew to be arrives (due April 25th).
Eleanor’s birth sounds much like that of my now 9 year old cousin Daniel. After 26 hours of labor, they were forced to do a crash C-section. Turns out the idiot military doctors didn’t realize Daniel was 11 lbs, 12 ozs and he had a bowel movement in-utero and developed pneumonia. He had to spend 10 days in the NICU. Now the military hospital doesn’t do deliveries anymore. I wonder why!
Sorry for the long rant, I think this will be the last time I post anything after taking my “sleeping” pills.
PS: I absolutely love the head full of dark hair, she’s a real cutie.
Liz, somehow I missed this post and am just reading it now. I saw that Eleanor has a deep sacral dimple. I don’t know if you remember (probably not! It was so long ago now), but Derek had a really deep one, and with hair in it, when he was born. I was freaked OUT when I saw it; I had no idea what they were. It didn’t help that when the NICU doctors saw it, they immediately started spouting terms like “tethered spinal cord” and other alarming words. Seemed like it took forever for them to get an ultrasound on it. Things turned out fine, and actually now you can barely see the dimple (just looks like his butt crack is a little longer than normal), but my goodness, it was scary. Anyway, I can’t even imagine your emotions, being in the NICU again. You’re absolutely right about the mixed feelings, and about how much harder it is to get out than to get in to the NICU. I also remember that when Derek was in the NICU, your comments about it were a really big emotional help to me. I was reassured by your words because you had been there before, and you understood what it felt like to have your baby there. Unfortunately, nothing I can say can take away the pain of having Eleanor in the NICU. I’m sure during your pregnancy, you were thinking about all the things you were going to do/experience differently with Eleanor, and about how it would be easier, in many ways, to enjoy a singleton. I’m hopeful for you that once Eleanor is out of the Big Hospital, that you will get to enjoy those things!
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