All that stuff I wrote yesterday about perspective and optimism and the zen of being a second-timer?
It can kiss my ass today.
Eleanor is fine, but when it comes down to it, she’s acting like more of a preemie than her gestational age would suggest. Sleepy, not eating well. Not quite coordinated on the suck-swallow-breathe thing, such that her oxygen saturation drops when she eats.
She’s back on the nasal cannula with a touch of extra oxygen. She might end up with that little orange tube in her nose for some of her feedings if she doesn’t perk up overnight.
She is not coming home with me in the morning.
Those who prefer to avoid profanity should now avert their eyes.
Fuck perspective. Fuck optimism. Fuck them right in the ear. This was not supposed to happen, dammit. I was not supposed to go home by myself. AGAIN.
It’s like PTSD flashbacks, except that it’s ACTUALLY HAPPENING. All of the NICU bullshit of counting milliliters, thinking there’s actually a difference between 28ml and 35ml. The kind of crap no one ever looks at if your baby never landed in there in the first place – seriously, how many 3-day-old breastfed infants are taking in that much breastmilk at each feeding? Judging by my pump output, I’m going to go out on a limb and say hardly any. But standards are different in the NICU. The standards for getting out of there are way higher than normal.
And that’s when, in my hormone-fueled disappointment and rage, I want to scream BULLSHIT. This is such crap. SUCH CRAP. And I’m so, so mad that I have to deal with it again.
All of this disappointment and rage, to be honest, is about me. It’s selfish. I know my daughter will be fine. I know she will work through these late-preterm issues and will come home and will be healthy. I’m upset because *I* didn’t want to go through this again. Because I wanted my turn to be discharged from the hospital with a carseat on my arm. Because I didn’t want to have to pump every 2 hours and always feel like I was coming up short.
But this morning, when I confirmed that a simultaneous Tuesday discharge was not in the cards, I barely made it back to my hospital room before releasing the big, ugly cry. The kind of crying I couldn’t stop. The kind of crying I had to be careful with so the sobs didn’t hurt my incision. I couldn’t relay the information to my husband without bursting into tears again. I couldn’t interact with any of the nurses or doctors without completely losing it. Could barely get a full sentence out of my mouth for most of the day.
Oh, progesterone. You’re a bitch when you show up in the first trimester, and you’re a bitch when you make your hasty post-partum exit. Sure, I had things to be upset about. But damn, those hormonal changes can turn the whole thing up to 11.
After a little rest, some deep breathing, and a cold, wet towel on my eyes to bring down some of the swelling, I was able to keep it together for a visit from my big kids. Seeing them was surprisingly restorative. Even better was an evening visit from two friends, who brought equal parts junk food and knowledgeable sympathy. Both do a body good.
I know she’s being taken care of. I know she’s in the right place. I know I don’t actually want to have her home until she’s 100% ready to be there. The perspective I wrote about yesterday is still there, tucked away in the more logical part of my brain.
But in the meantime, I’m having a little pity party, and will likely go through an entire box of kleenex when I leave the hospital tomorrow.
It sucks. Period.
Oh mama. That just sucks. Hormones or whatever. Vent it out.
Ugh! I totally feel for you. I was lucky enough that one of my girls came home with me after a brief stay in the NICU, but I had the same feelings that you did about the one who had to stay (ironically the bigger one) – she had to have HOW many mL? C’mon, there was no way her sister was getting that much (of course, her sister was also kinda…. orangey for a few weeks)
Congratulations on Eleanor – I love the name, by the way, it was one I really liked for my girls!
I know that rage. Might not have been under the exact same circumstances, but I know it and it sucks. Sending you big hugs right now…
I’ve been there, twice, just like you. Hugs!
I’m so sorry you are going through this! It is so hard emotionally after having a baby even when things are going well so i really feel for you. I was in the hospital a couple months before my son was born due to some health issues i was having at first and they just would not release me until 5 days later even though both my son and i were fine. It was incredibly frustrating. I wish you the best and hope you and your daughter are home together soon.
My littlest one was in NICU only for about 24 hours and it broke my heart. You have every right to have a pity party… it does suck. Thankfully, she’s in good hands and will be home and waking you up and making extra laundry for you very soon. Hang in there and vent all you need to.
I know you know the hormones will pass, E will come home, and at some point you will question why having all 3 kids home at the same time sounded like a such good idea ; ) But, in the meantime, you are right, This sucks big time. Thinking of you
nursenikkiknits recently posted..FO Friday 2 – Camilla Challenge
I don’t have anything helpful to add that you don’t already know. But know that across the world, I’m thinking about you and your little family and wishing with all my might that you all are reunited soon.
Anne (I should be sleeping) recently posted..My surprising but lovely winnings in recent times
Ah, pet lamb.
I’m like Anne and have nothing practical to add but have every sympathy with your vent (it’s actually made me a little teary) and am hoping for a swift resolution for you all. That’s the problem with expecting things, innit? There’s always something totally UNexpected waiting in the wings to bite you on the bum. In the words of Baz Luhrman
” Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.”
Thinking of ya! xox
Lynz Graham recently posted..I got me a Liebster!
I’m sorry you have to deal with this yet again. It does suck, no doubt. Thinking of you and little E.
Oh Liz. I am so sorry. And don’t worry about feeling selfish – why would we do this parenting thing if there weren’t anything in it for us?
But seriously, have your pity party and get it all out. Hopefully when Eleanor is ready to come home, you’ll be ready and back to your previous zen-ness, ready to get back on track and put the NICU BS behind you. because, yes, all that counting ml’s is BS and I so feel for you for having to do it all over again.
Luckily, this is not the only “redemption” part of having a singleton after twins. There are so many new joys you can experience with “just one” once Eleanor is home. Imagine taking her to a coffee shop when she is just a few weeks old to hang out and relax. Or snuggling in your big bed with her while the twins are at school. Or wearing in her a baby carrier while you do some shopping at the mall – sans stroller!! Using the normal grocery store cart. Holding her all the time because no one else is waiting for their turn.
In the meantime, what’s your favorite candy bar? I’ll send you a few hundred.
Nicole recently posted..Totally worth it
I’m really glad you put this disappointment, better yet pure ass rage that this is happening again out there. Thanks for not trying to sugar coat that this is unfair to have to leave the hospital without baby not once but twice. Many, many hugs that E will be home soon.
heather v recently posted..Photographic Proof I Didnt Hear My Name on the Loudspeaker
Oh man, that all just sucks. Leaving with out a baby is such a hard thing to do.
I still have the worst PTSD from our NICU experience and it was a pretty good one. It is totally normal to want to scream out that this sucks because it does!
Hang in there – hopefully it won’t last too long.
PS: At G’s first regular ped appt, we told her she was taking so many MLs. She stopped us in our tracks, and said “no more talk of MLs. When you left the NICU, we stopped having to worry about that.” Both of you are so right!
Seriously, words can not express how sorry I am that you have to go through this again. I will always think of walking in my front door with no babies in my arms as the absolute worst day of my life. It’s just WRONG.
My heart hurts for you and I hope Ellie gets home soon.
LauraC recently posted..Show me the Mommy! awesome friends edition
You are entitled to every second of that pity party and I hope you take it and more. The worst thing you can do is clamp down those feelings b/c they will come back to bite you in the ass later.
Having been through the whole baby (babies) in the NICU with other little ones at home thing twice I can tell you, it will get worse before it gets better. Striking the balance between being there for Eleanor and being there for Rebecca and Daniel…you will be conflicted and it will hurt, no matter where you are or what you’re doing. ALSO, remember you have to recover and heal yourself after having major surgery.
My advice: speak up, often. Be honest with everyone around you as to what you are feeling, what you need NOW, and what you need help with. The time will go by more quickly than you think. But until it does, this is a time when you need to put yourself and your physical and emotional well-being first on the priority list so that when you’re all together at home again, you can ENJOY it.
I’m pounding fists for you Liz. You have that pity party, we all will take up the slack of having to be strong for you while you get through this part. I’m glad the kids were able to come see you, they are what give us the needed perspective at just the right times. Take the time you are stuck with in this crappy, not fair day of leaving the hospital to make a party atmosphere ready for her to come to her home. Make it your/her special homecoming story and allow it to be good, to be different (easier said than done) to be special to your family. (I hate that I am that type that wants to solve the worlds hurts, but I hate to “see” you hurting.) Expectations and dreams suck when reality doesn’t play nice. Wish I was closer and could offer some real concrete help.
Sarah (Sterling Creek) recently posted..He Got a Sad Face- Ive Never Been More Proud!
I just got teary for you as a preemie mom who did go home with her babies and never had the experience I wanted. Sucks so bad, i can relate.
You can have a pity party, vent, scream and do what you need to do to get through these days. We all will be present at your party.
Soon enough you will get the chance to walk Eleanor out of the hospital in her car seat and she will be perfect & beautiful and ready for her life at home.
In the meantime, eat junk food,watch Glee re-runs, drink chocolate milk and swear as much as you need to!
This totally blows and I’m so sorry!!
Nicole makes some excellent points – this is not your only chance at the ease of having just one. Once you are behind this, you will be able to enjoy all those aspects and with the perspective of a second time mom who knows just how great those first few weeks of sleepy portability really are!
Well, you know I always think of you as supermom- the mom I aspire to be. But you’re allowed to be normal every once in a while. What you’re going through bites the big one, and you’re right to say so. Hope you and Eleanor have a speedy recovery
jungletwins recently posted..When I’m Rich
That IS bullshit. Total bullshit. You should be angry because it isn’t fair. Not a single iota. I think it’s ok to let the hormones lead. Cry. Get it out. Because if you don’t, you’ll just be in the middle of a shit storm later. Give that baby kiss for me.
Kami recently posted..I Excel at Stress Management I’m Also A Card-Carrying Member of Pathological Liars Anonymous
I am so sorry that she has to stay a little longer. That sucks. I agree. I know so well that feeling that this time is going to make up for all the trauma of having twins early/NICU/two at once experience. In my case, I lost it three weeks into having my singleton, when she had a really fussy day without napping well, and I had all these colic flashbacks. I cried for hours, all I kept thinking was “it’s happening again.” But Nicole is right, there is lots more singleton redemption coming. Hang in there. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for a short NICU stay.
Gwen recently posted..7 months
You and your new baby is in my thoughts and prayers. You have every right to be angry and upset. That is totally fine in my book. And even aside from all of that, I think your attitute is great! Hang in there!
I am so sorry that Eleanor has to stay in the NICU. This is tough, NICU stays are stressful and I still remember the horrible feeling of leaving my baby at the hospital for weeks. I agree with Laura C, it was the worst day of my life. You have every right to feel the way you do. And ugh, I can relate to “bad eaters”. My preemie son and late pre-term twins were “high maintenance” to say the least. You are going through a lot right now with Eleanor on top of recovering from childbirth and csection, along with 2 kiddos at home. Please know I am thinking of you and pray that Eleanor comes home very soon.
I am so sorry for you and I would definitely be feeling the same if I were in your position.
Joining all others in my wishes that you are together at home very soon.
Julia recently posted..Mamuba!
Liz, I am so sorry. I was really hoping that the issues were simply birth-related and she’d be able to go home with you. But like you said, I guess the bar is higher when you are already in the NICU – that sucks. And for the record, I wouldn’t call your wish to bring your baby home with you selfish. Much as the NICU is medically necessary and often lifesaving, babies belong with their mamas and the rest of their family. You are allowed to want that; in fact, there would be something wrong if you didn’t!
Party hardy, sister! You can’t fight those hormones anyway so I say embrace all that inner anger and sadness. Eleanor will never remember these early days, but you will likely never forget them. So, you need to just get through them any old way you can – self-pity included!
I remember the day of my discharge being one of the most emotional of my life because of those damn hormones! My kids went home with me and I was a blubbery mess so I can’t even begin to understand the range of emotions you are trying to manage. And if you went through it five more times with five more kid, it would be just as hard. Because that’s what it is to be a mom.
Even though Eleanor is exactly where she needs to be right now and you’re where you need to be it’s still a big ole bummer. Period!
Kara recently posted..My New Gig
I’m so sorry she has to stay in the NICU longer and even though you know that it is the safest place for her, you’re right, it sucks! I know what it’s like having babies in the NICU, but I don’t know what it’s like not to be able to take your babies home with you. I’m sorry you are going through this again, and I’m sure that you have people to help, but if there is anything I can help with, please let me know. You ahve been so helpful with your advice and I am only a couple of towns away!
Amy recently posted..Makes My Monday- Play Date and Kids Crafting
Hey Liz,
It sucks, just plain ‘ol sucks. My kids spent over 2 weeks in the nicu and I know how terribly cheated you must feel. I hope you are able to find some comfort knowing that you’ve seen the other side, the side when the nicu bullshit is over and you’re home with your baby. Only this time, you’ve had practice and you’re more confident and you’ll know exactly how to take care of your baby. I shudder when I think of the fear and anxiety the nicu forced down my throat. Let it go, you know what you’re doing, you’re a pro.
Take care, she’s a beauty.
I totally feel for you. That’s exactly how I felt when I had to go home without my first. You have every right to feel that way. The best advice I got was from one of the nurses. I was having one of those many cries you talk about with whomever I tried to tell about him being in the NICU. I was apologizing for crying and told her that I knew he wasn’t the sickest baby in the NICU and that he would be coming home at some point. Her response was that it didn’t matter if he was the sickest or not, the fact was he was mine and it sucked no matter what.
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Eleanor is beautiful! I hope she is strong enough to come home soon.
That just sucks! Here’s hoping that Eleanor will be home in your arms soon.
So sorry!
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