I’ve been home for three days, now.
The first day and a half were intensely hard, raw, ragged. Many, many tears were shed, over anything and everything. To say that being home with Eleanor still in the hospital is hard and heartbreaking, would be a gross understatement.
And yet, coming home was a welcome move. Nice to be in my own space, nice to not have my vitals checked a few times a day, nice to not have to call a nurse and repeat my name and birth date to take medicine. More than nice to spend more than 20 minutes with my husband and my sweet big kids (who are doing so well with all of this, I must dedicate a separate post to how awesome they are). My in-laws are here, and while it’s a challenge to let go of my fiercely-independent-control-freak tendencies, the fact is that the help they are providing is keeping us afloat. They have been taking care of the groceries and dinner and laundry, they play with the kids while I try to rest or pump, and generally keep the house running. It’s not the easiest thing for me, but it is a lifesaver and I am grateful for their help.
Getting to the hospital is a delicate balancing act. Obviously, there never seems to be quite the right amount of time to be here or there, but we seem to have come up with a fairly workable routine over the last few days. After the kids get dropped off at preschool, we head over for one visit. And after dinner, we have the grandparents put them to bed while we go for another visit. Part of me, of course, wishes I could spent a whole lot more time at the hospital. I find myself almost nostalgic for our first time on this ride, when we only had to go home periodically to let the dog out. But I know that, if I spent more time at the hospital, I’d feel just as guilty about not being at home. The truth is this: as much as I would like to be there nearly all the time, Eleanor will not notice, nor will she ever care or remember, how much time I spent at the hospital. But my big kids will. So we’re trying to make our hospital visits as minimally disruptive for the big kids as we can. That late-evening trip is brutal, as I’m ready to fall asleep on my feet before we’re even out the door, but I’m always glad I went.
Of course, when I am home, it’s not like I’m footloose and fancy free. No, I’m in the insane merry-go-round of exclusive pumping in the hopes of building a milk supply that will allow us to breastfeed when she comes home (no, I’m not even really attempting it right now while she’s in the hospital, and yes, that kind of sucks). So I’m pumping every 2 hours during the day and every 3 hours at night. I am, to say the least, exhausted. Yes, I try to take at least one nap per day. But when you’re pumping 20 minutes out of every 2 hours, and add in the few minutes to clean and store and maybe go to the bathroom, it doesn’t leave time for much more than a catnap. Again, more on the madness of pumping in another post, but it’s yet another master I have to serve right now. Not enough hours in the day.
For the Ellie Update, she is doing pretty well. Her progress is proving somewhat slow, and not as linear as her big brother and sister before her. A lot more step forward, step back, step forward again. She is on a nasal cannula with a very small amount of supplemental oxygen. They tried taking her off of it this afternoon, but she wasn’t maintaining good enough numbers, so it got turned back on. She also has the dreaded orange NG tube down her nose to help her get the requisite volume of formula/breastmilk. Some feedings, she takes the entire thing by mouth without incident. And some, she gets tired or loses interest, so down the tube it goes. Again, in an overall sense, she is gradually improving and generally increasing the volume that she’ll take by mouth. But it’s not a simple progression. She does better one feeding, takes a small step back for the next, and so on and so forth.
Ultimately, though, the conditions of her discharge are pretty simple. She has to get off of the oxygen for at least 24 hours, and take her feeds well by mouth for 48. Simple in theory, but completely impossible to predict when she’ll decide she’s ready to do it. And so, we wait. We try to be patient, we try to be zen. But we are bummed, too. We wish we had the unknowable answers.
One more thought before I pump (again) and head to bed:
Enormous thanks to all of you who have reached out in the last week, through blog comments or emails or Twitter or whatever. As you might imagine, I haven’t managed to find the time or the emotional wherewithal to respond to all of them. But please know that I have read every single one, and am grateful for each and every one of them. Thank you for sharing your stories and your thoughts and everything else. It really does mean a lot.
A post dedicated to exclusive pumping would be great!
Nothing valuable to say other than I completely get the question of what is the right amount of time. I had been in-patient for seven weeks at the time I was discharged, so I never really considered nesting, but I still felt guilty.
Just catching up here on your last few posts. I’m remembering now what a crazy emotional roller coaster ride the first postpartum weeks can be. And the pumping every 2-3 hours is just so brutal (I was there too). One tip I got from the lactation nurse at Emerson- you don’t have to clean the breast pump parts after every pump. She said it was totally fine to pump, store the milk, detach the pumping parts from the tubing and then just stick it all in the refrigerator. I did that all day long and then only washed out the parts before going to bed and maybe after the first pump in the morning. It wasn’t much, but it was nice to regain a few 15 minute chunks of time throughout the day.
Sending lots of warm fuzzies your way and hoping that Eleanor makes her way out of the NICU soon.
reanbean recently posted..Vacation Week Recap
I just wanted to say how beautiful little Eleanor is. You sound like the best mom any of your kids could ask for.
I have been thinking of you every day Liz. I can only imagine how hard things must be right now. I had to do the exclusive pumping thing for a week after Brady was born and it was exhausting. I hope little Ellie improves enough to come home soon. In the meantime, take care of yourself. Big hugs:)
Beautiful Eleanor, beautiful mommy! Pumping sucks. Hang in there. We’re pulling for you.
Pam recently posted..Focus
I had wondered if you were going to call her Ellie
. Altho, it looks like you will do both, like you do with Becca/Rebecca.
Keeping you all in my prayers. She’s absolutely adorable! Can’t wait to hear that she’s home where she belongs.
She’s such a beautiful girl.
And I love the photo of the two of you together- there’s such joy in your face at being with her!
I’d really like to send you a little present for her… If that’s not too strange then email me your postal address
Anne (I should be sleeping) recently posted..My creative space today
First, Eleanor is so divine – really!
Second, I just want to say one quick thing about pumping. Do not clean the parts every time. Put the whole thingamajig in the fridge, store the milk however you normally would and then take it out of the fridge for the next pumping. The residual milk will keep for 24-48 hours in the fridge, just like the milk that you store in there. I had my parts on a 24 hour rotation. Every night before bed, or whenever you run the dishwasher, through the parts in there to be cleaned and start with a clean set that you’ll use for the next 24 hours. You will never wash a part any more than you wash a dinner plate. If you need extras, let me know and I will drop off some of mine at your house.
Hang in there, momma.
Nicole recently posted..7 Months
Go go Baby Eleanor. Love the new photos. Especially the one where her eyes are starting to open. That baby loves her sleep!! So, are we calling her Ellie or Eleanor? Want to follow your lead . . .
She is so beautiful. I can’t stop looking at her:) I’m sorry things are so tough right now. Sending you and your family lots of good energy.
I’ve been anxiously keeping my eyes peeled for all your updates. Glad that things are improving, even if much slower than you would like. Super big hugs to you!
Elise recently posted..Almost an Outtie!
Oh, Liz – she’s beautiful! I’m tearing up here for you – I really hope she can come home soon!! You’ve got an awesome sleeper on your hands though! That girl will be STTN at 8 weeks!
Also – are those blonde eyebrows I see? I was also born with black hair – it all fell out and fine, blonde hair grew in its place. I think Ellie (not Nora?) will be taking after her mommy! I totally see you in her. Marc too, but to a lesser extent.
Thinking of you. I know this is such a hard time for everyone. Hang in there and I hope and pray that you have Ellie home with you soon. Love her name and that gorgeous black hair!
xx
Susan D. recently posted..Thankful
I’m always surprised when singletons end up in the NICU, even though I know full well that it’s perfectly common. Melody was a straight-line improvement NICU baby. Jessie was two steps forward, one step back.
I’m so proud of your big kids, and you, and M.
Eleanor is gorgeous, and so cuddly-looking I want to nuzzle her through the computer monitor!
Sadia recently posted..Overheard 70- Co-authoring
I have been following your updates here and on facebook everyday. Congratulations! You have a wonderful, beautiful little girl. I am sorry that she is in the NICU right now. F and J were never in the NICU, but you express yourself so well in your writing that it sounds very, very difficult.
I am praying for your little girl to make a speedy exit out of the NICU and into your arms!
As for the pumping, I never pumped every two hours…I definitely went every 3-4, and I pumped for a year. My supply remained unchanged with pumping less frequently. In fact, extra sleep seemed to help me make more milk. Hands free bra makes a world of difference-you can use your computer, cut quilt squares, open mail, etc.
Take care of yourself Liz. You are one of those mom’s who is a great example to the rest of us.
Krissy recently posted..Where Have I Been
Look at that precious face and all of that hair. So glad to see some more pictures of Ellie. She is absolutely adorable.
Hang in there Mama…you are doing a great job. And just think of how nice it is going to be when you are all home together as a family. You are working so hard and it will all be worth it!
Erin S. recently posted..Cheer- cheer
Oh, she’s gorgeous. Look at that little face in that last picture. I hear you on the exclusive pumping, it sucks. Hang in there, once you guys get over this hurdle it’ll be great to just breastfeed one. So sorry it’s not going smoothly.
Gwen recently posted..7 months
You are doing great! Hang in there. A year from now you’ll hardly remember how hard this time was for you. Ellie is gorgeous! Congratulations to you, again. Hugs!
Mama-goddess,
Hang tight, this will all be over soon enough and you’ll all be together. I can’t even imagine how you must be feeling – the hormones alone would do me in, not to mention the dreaded pump. You are a rock star to even attempt to keep up with the pumping.
Mental Momma recently posted..I swear
oh gosh! i’m usually over at your quilting blog but popped over here to check and see how things were coming along with those last few weeks of pregnancy. NICU sucks – and this is coming from Mallory’s pediatrician friend! a big warm fuzzy welcome to Eleanor (love the name!) and congrats to you and your family! eleanor will be home in no time all wrapped up in one of your baby quilts that we’re all dying to see. let me know if i can help you with any of the medical stuff.
Well that brought tears to me eyes. Eleanor is beautiful, just beautiful. And you are an amazing mother and doing everything you possibly can and then some. Hang in there. I hope Eleanor makes it home soon!
She is such a cute baby! And you look very happy in those pics
)
Just wanted to put my two cents in here …
I had a 15 month old at home when my twins were born … one came home with me and the other stayed in the hospital for 11 days after we came home without her. I got to the hospital every day for about 2 hours and spent most of that time crying about how awful I was going to feel again when I left her there to go home to the other two.
But, here we are today 4 years later, and, like you predicted above, she is just fine. I, however, still get teary just thinking about how hard it was to leave her there.
Hope she is home soon and you are able to get some rest ….
Merri Ann recently posted..It is 2 am what are you doing
You are very smart to keep up the pumping if you do want to breastfeed – many women with kid in the NICU don’t realize how much work it is to establish a supply when there isn’t a baby on your boob 24/7. It will be so much easier when she is home and you can put that damn pump away. Just a little – this is what I would be like so let me share some unsolicited advice – I thought I had to breastfeed because it was what was best for my kids and AT LEAST I could give them that. As you know from the twins and I know from my twins that sometimes you are stretched so thin and so exhausted that you have to make decisions that hurt in a hormonal and maternal way but make a lot of sense and eventually all that hurt fades. This is all stuff you’ve said and you know but I wanted to let you know that I heard them when I was going through it – and even when I had to stop breastfeeding Josephine after several rounds of antibiotics and a lingering illness pushed me over the edge.
It broke my hear to see Eleanor with the nasal cannula. Penny, as you know, had one starting around 10 months old for sleeping (and of course Eleanor sleeps all the time) and they didn’t discharge us forever thinking it would improve. And it did, finally, after about 9 months. But what I am very inelegantly trying to say is that maybe you could take her home with the cannula. I suppose it isn’t something you can push for with her such a newborn but something to think about if you start to lose your mind. It was hard and really scary to have an O2 tank in our house and to hook her up to an oximeter but it became part of our routine and life seemed so easy when it was gone (in time to welcome Josephine and deal with new challenges). I will contact you offline to see if I can bring you anything or help out with the kids. Thinking of you all…
Mommy, Esq. recently posted..Post-Spica Cast Update- 45 Weeks Post-Cast and Running
She’s beautiful! Congratulations. Can’t wait to see pictures of her with the other two. (It will happen soon!)
That little girl is gorgeous!! Her dark hair is so pretty. I’m sorry things have been so tough, but I really admire your strength. You’re such a great mom!
It’s so hard to know what to say, as I can’t imagine what you’re facing, but I can say this – your daughter is *gorgeous* and I’m hoping and praying that she will be home where she belongs SOON!
Carla recently posted..How to Survive Dinner Out Yes- With the Kids
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful daughter! I hope you get the answers you are looking for soon and that little Eleanor will be home soon with her big brother and sister.