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Shared grief

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (2)· December 16th, 2012

I feel like a fraud, writing at times of tragedy. Who am I to say anything about sadness? How dare I, when my family is safe and sound, and someone else’s is not? What do I know of heartbreak, compared to a parent who has lost their child? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Except that there’s a piece of us that becomes communal, or somehow cosmically connected when we have kids of our own. We are brutally, sickeningly aware that it could be any one of us, at any time. We hear the news and feel as though we’ve been punched in the gut, like we could be physically ill from the horror of it. We contemplate, for even one second, that it could be us instead of them. That I could be the one to find out that the heart that lives and walks around outside of my body is gone. I have no earthly idea how anyone could continue to function from that point forward. I, for one, am pretty sure I would want to climb into a dark hole and beg for it all to end.

I’ve been crying off and on since Friday, despite keeping the TV almost completely dark since the news of the elementary school shooting broke. I check a few news websites, I take a peek at Twitter from time to time. But that’s plenty. Plenty to make my heart and stomach hurt. I couldn’t log on and write some silly story about my kids and make it seem like nothing happened.

I haven’t told my kids, for the record, and I don’t plan to. While I appreciate the value of them hearing about something from me instead of someone else, I’m hedging my bets on them not finding out at all. They’re among the oldest kids in their tiny school, so I’m hoping it won’t filter down to them as it might if there were bigger kids around. I’m keeping NPR off in the car, keeping the TV on Disney if it’s on at all. I’m not letting them see me cry. The general consensus I’ve seen from the various “experts” is that kids under 7 should be sheltered from this if at all possible, and that’s what we’re doing.

I don’t have anything profound to say. No big insights to share, no unique perspective to add to the conversation. I’m just one mom out of so many, whose heart is ripped to shreds by how lucky I am to be able to tuck my kids into bed tonight.

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Categories : Just me

Last one

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (15)· November 30th, 2012

A month in haiku.

Strange experiment, but hey,

I hope you liked it.

I’ve done some version of NaBloPoMo several times over the last few years, and I’m never sure quite what I think of the experiment. Certainly I’m glad when it’s done – some days I really don’t have much that I want to say and it feels weird and forced to come up with an excuse to hit “Publish.” It’s not a bad exercise. For one thing, I feel more free to post short snippets instead of necessarily coming up with a longer, more cohesive essay. Little (and sometimes literal) snapshots into our world are kind of fun. On the other hand, I feel like the pressure to come up with something before midnight each night means I am actually less likely to write about the bigger topics that are on my mind.

What do you guys think? Is it something worth doing? Something you enjoy reading? I don’t notice any obvious changes in traffic or comments, so I don’t think that’s a helpful indicator of whether this is resonating with anyone or not. Would you want me to try to post, say, every weekday? Or would you rather I stick with my current every-now-and-again, when-I-really-have-something-to-say, frequency and not clog up your feed readers?

One way or another, thanks to all of you for reading, and thanks even more for when you leave a comment. It really does make my day when I get to tell you about these three jokers and you tell me that it meant something to you, or made you laugh, or anything else. You guys are awesome.

And I promise to lay off the haiku for a while.

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Categories : Blogging, Just me

Tags : haiku

By my fingernails

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· November 28th, 2012

Some weeks, I feel like

I’m on top of it all. Others?

Barely hanging on.

There’s nothing really wrong. It’s not a particularly busy or challenging week. Really just the usual day-to-day kind of stuff. And yet, I’m in a total funk. Low energy, short fuse. Snapping at the kids way too easily, and really all I want to do for most of the day is climb into bed and watch sappy movies. (Damn, now I want a TV in our bedroom.)

I could come up with a list of things that are on my mind, certainly. An ever-present cloud of stress about families and holidays. Some strange tummy upset that has been bothering Ellie, which causes me way more anxiety than the average kid with a stomachache. Any number of other navel-gazing topics that amount to little more than whining about total first-world problems.

But instead of boring you (and me) with the details of all of that, I did some therapeutic baking, and now I’m going to try to get some sleep. And if my dear, darling, beloved husband wakes me up at 5AM with his snoring and refusal to put on his CPAP mask again, I will kick HIS ass down to the couch this time.

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Categories : Just me

Tags : haiku

Time

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (4)· November 27th, 2012

I wish there were more

hours in the day. But only

while kids are asleep.

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Categories : Just me

Tags : haiku

Pajama day

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· November 25th, 2012

Stayed in my PJs.

Tidying my sewing room

was the day’s highlight.

I was so glad we had another day of this weekend to recuperate from Thanksgiving and our New York adventure. I’m not sure I’d say I’m exactly “ready” for reality tomorrow, but it’s coming whether I like it or not.

And hey, only a few more days of haiku. Hang in there, friends, we can make it.

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Categories : Crafts, Just me

Tags : haiku

Night out

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· November 16th, 2012

Three glasses of wine.

I fear tomorrow’s headache.

(It doesn’t take much.)

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Categories : Just me

Tags : haiku

Poor little white girl

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (12)· November 15th, 2012

Poor little white girl,

what do you know of struggle?

Just stay out of it.

I largely kept away from Twitter on Election Night. I knew there was going to be no shortage of crazy on there, so I watched the returns come in on TV, and texted with a few like-minded friends. Once the election was called, I went back online for a little while. As we were all waiting for the speeches, I made this comment on Twitter:

Goodness, that is a mighty white crowd at Romney HQ.

I mean, really. They kept cutting between the two crowds, and it was a stark visual difference. A rather monochromatic crowd in one venue, a lot more variety in the other. You can agree or disagree with me about that being a relevant thing, but there you have it. At any rate, that led to an unexpectedly nasty set of replies, ending with the following as a final, parting shot at me:

@lizinprogress hope someday you can accept the fact you are white.

This was rather startling to me, and not just because I am already quite aware that I am one of the whitest people I know. And not even because this is the first time in my six years of social media that someone has been pointedly nasty to me. I guess I had just really hoped that actual people didn’t think this way (the replier in question, for the record, also white).

Is the implication that, because I am white, I am not allowed to comment on matters of racial or ethnic diversity? That I’m not supposed to care about it? That, being in the “majority,” I shouldn’t give a crap about people who aren’t?

I’m straight. Am I not allowed to be a vocal supporter of marriage equality?

My family is financially comfortable. Should I be flipping the bird at those who are struggling?

Look, we can disagree about the role of government in the lives of its citizens, and a thousand other political issues. You may not be as ragingly liberal as I am, and I totally respect that. You are just as entitled to your beliefs as I am to mine. But at the core of it, does being conservative really boil down to “I’ll look out for the best interests of people who are demographically the same as me?” For many, many people, I don’t think that’s the case. I think there are many, many people who care about the fate of their fellow citizens, but simply have a very different approach than the left-leaning folks when it comes to how and when government should be involved. And that’s fine, those things should be debated from differing points of view. I just feel like a lot of the tone from the Right during this election was brazenly disrespectful of women, minorities, and many others. And worst of all, in my opinion, a large portion of the politicians and voting public didn’t find this to be particularly problematic. That it was totally acceptable to shit on poor people, immigrants, gay people, black people… THAT is what makes me sad, not whether you think the federal government should or should not provide a particular benefit.

I know who I am. I am an upper-middle-class, highly-educated white lady. I have lived a fortunate life. I have not had to live with the kind of discrimination and hardship that other people face on a daily basis. But am I disqualified from being able to care about that? Should I really just sit in my cozy living room and look out for Number One, basking in my privilege, to hell with everyone else? Should I hide in my lily-white bubble and just pretend that these problems don’t exist?

That’s not the world that I live in, and I don’t think it’s particularly useful to act as though it is. That’s not reality.

I’m at risk of rambling, so I’ll stop here. Friends who agree OR disagree with me politically, what say you? Am I off base? Am I just another crazy liberal? Am I over-idealizing the political process, or wishing for too much human decency from too many people?

Yeah, probably.

Comments (12)

Categories : Just me

Tags : diversity, haiku, politics, race

They say it’s my birthday

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (1)· November 11th, 2012

Turning thirty-four.

Birthdays losing their luster

As the years go by.

It’s not that I mind turning another year older. It’s that birthdays are such a non-event as you’re past your twenties and have three kids. I all but forgot it was coming. I find it… curious that I’m actually an age that I remember my own mother being. Reconciling my memory of “my mom in her thirties” versus “oh, that’s me” is a little odd. I think, in my head, I’m still about 28 or 29. It’s not that I mind being 34, it’s mostly that I just forget that I am.

But hey, it’s not all bad. The big kids had a sleepover at my aunt’s house, and my sister-in-law came to babysit Ellie. So M and I had a long sushi dinner to ourselves, and this morning, I did not have to listen to anyone complain about which chair they sat in for breakfast, or the precise color of their milk cup. Frankly, I’ll take it.

Happy weekend, everyone.

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Categories : Birthdays, Just me

Start small

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (8)· November 7th, 2012

It doesn’t take much

to make someone else’s day.

It’ll make yours, too.

Earlier this week, my friend Maria sent a thought-provoking email to a group of us, talking about random acts of kindness and generally spreading good in the world. She challenged our group of friends to go out and make an effort this week to do something nice for someone else.

The truth: my first reaction was to sigh in a sort of defeated way. The idea sounded lovely, but I already felt so overwhelmed. Barely keeping up with emails and dishes and laundry. Already so tired when my whole day revolves around taking care of other people, anyways. No energy left to give. So many plates to keep spinning. “I’d love to, but I don’t think I can.”

And then I woke up yesterday feeling excited that it was Election Day. All of the grumpiness and anxiety of the final weeks of the campaign season suddenly faded into the background a little, because the day had finally come and my kids were looking forward to voting with me. I dropped the big ones off at school and headed for my Starbucks drive-thru, and I think I had a mini-Maria on my shoulder. It felt like a good day to spread some kindness. I decided I would pay for the order of the person behind me in line. I grinned as I waited to get up to the window. The barista grinned when I told her what I wanted to do. What did it cost me, 10 seconds and an extra three bucks? But the payback is that I literally had an extra spring in my step for HOURS afterwards.

I don’t know anything about the lady in the car behind me. I don’t know if that turned around a grumpy morning, or just left her baffled. I don’t know if it turned into a 30-car trend or if it was just one person and her latte. I’ll never know, and that’s not the point. The point is just to put the good thing out into the world and let it be.

But you know what? I do know that it didn’t end there. I posted that picture on Instagram and Twitter (because I’m a social media addict, it’s just how I roll), and in the next 24 hours, at least five people from North Carolina to California told me they saw it and decided to do the same thing. They posted their own version of that photo, a rear-view mirror of the unsuspecting person about to get their morning coffee taken care of. I was re-inspired and did it again this morning, and the barista said I was the third person to do it so far today. It was only 9AM.

Sometimes I end up NOT doing things because I am too all-or-nothing. I can’t figure out how to make it to the gym three times a week, every week, so I don’t go at all. The clutter in my house is so overwhelming, I can’t get myself to just work on one side of one room. That was my initial hesitation with Maria’s challenge – I just don’t have the energy to completely transform myself into this person who is always thinking of ways to create random acts of kindness.

The lesson I have to learn is that it’s OK if you just do one small thing. I can say yes to one game of Candyland without feeling like I have to be the person who drops everything at every request from my kids. I don’t have to buy coffee for a stranger every time I go to Starbucks. I am not going to suddenly have saint-like patience with everyone who crosses my path. After my good-coffee-deed, I still got cranky with my kids. It’s not about perfection or 100%. It’s just one thing, when you can. It doesn’t have to cost money, it doesn’t have to be a stranger. Call a friend to say hello, compliment a neighbor on her flowers, send someone a funny card in the mail. Smile at the mom whose kid is being cranky, let someone go in front of you in line, hold open a door. And again, you don’t have to do this all day, every day. Just decide to do it once. And maybe, another day, decide to try something else.

Maybe some of the times, the person will be surprised and effusively grateful. Maybe sometimes they will be flustered and not know how to respond. Maybe your good deed will go viral, and maybe it won’t. Don’t worry about it. It’s just about doing the good thing and letting it be.

You never know what might come of it, and we all know the world could handle a little extra goodness.

Comments (8)

Categories : Just me

Tags : haiku, random acts of kindness

Getaway

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (8)· October 16th, 2012

Parenting is freaking exhausting.

Doesn’t matter the exact configuration or ages of your kids, parenting is plenty of work. And I think there is something uniquely exhausting about being a full-time stay-at-home parent. Not that I’m trying to say I’m any more or less beat than my working-mom friends, only that the version I know has its own flavor. I am ALWAYS in the presence of a small child. Usually one who wants to climb on me, wants me to get them a snack, or absolutely MUST ask me this question while I’m trying to pee.

So, yeah, I was pretty damn thrilled to get on an airplane last week. By myself. And stay in a hotel. By myself. And geek out about fabric and sewing with other fabric and sewing nerds (I say it with love, we are SUCH nerds). Without my children.

(P.S. if you’re ever looking for my sewing blog, just click on “quilts” up there in the header…)

I had a two-hour layover in New York on my way to Salt Lake City. Without kids? NO PROBLEM. I’ll just get my nails done, get a bite to eat, actually put my earbuds in my ears and listen to music and tune out the rest of the world.

A old friend of mine (I realized we met when we were ONE YEAR OLDER THAN MY CHILDREN) lives in Salt Lake and took me for a little hike in one of the canyons just outside of the city. Fresh air, adult conversation, beautiful views, and no one’s schedule or needs but my own.

Some of the women I talked to at the conference mentioned how much they missed their kids. You want the truth? I didn’t. I adore my kids, they are awesome, I love my life with them. But four days without them? Not a problem, not even a little bit. They were well-cared-for, they were home and comfortable and got to have dinner at Sonic. They were fine. Me? I needed a little re-charging. Something that was just for fun, just for me.

This was my second year going to Sewing Summit, and I hope I get to go again next year. Honestly, if you have never managed to get together with your friends-in-the-computer and turned them into friends-I-will-hug-again-next-year, you’re missing out. And if, as a parent, you haven’t gotten yourself away from the kids for a couple of days – GET ON THAT, ASAP. I know not everyone has a partner like I have in M, not everyone has someone who encourages this sort of thing and is 100% willing and able to hold down the fort while mom is away. But if you do and you just haven’t made it a priority? Do it. Find a way, find something fun to do, or just book a hotel room a few hours from home. You’ll be so glad you did.

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Categories : Just me, Travel