Miscarriage | Goddess in Progress

Archive for Miscarriage

8 weeks, 6 days

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (2)· January 26th, 2007

There’s nothing in particular that makes today better than yesterday. No fabulous new test results that say everything is going to be perfect, not even any new reassurance from my doctor or a recent ultrasound showing those wonderful heartbeats. I don’t actually have any reason to believe the rug won’t still be pulled out from under me.

And yet…

Yesterday was 8w5d, the day when I discovered my last miscarriage. I’ve been kind of a wreck all week, as you may have gathered from earlier posts. It would come and go during the day. On the train ride to work, I’d have myself convinced I was cramping more than usual (was it just gas? a full bladder?). While at work I’d check several times a day to make sure I wasn’t bleeding, but I’d mostly calm down. On the train ride home (when there was no bathroom around), I was again sure I was bleeding. By 8:30pm, the energy of all that worrying had me exhausted.

Today, the worry is not gone. I’m still plenty paranoid about this thing, that thing, or the other thing. But there’s something emotionally significant about 8w5d coming and going (seemingly) without incident. I’m looking forward to my appointment on Tuesday, as this will be the third time I’ve had a “first appointment” scheduled, and hopefully the first time I’ll actually keep it. I’m not getting my hopes up that they’ll be able to pick up the heartbeats on doppler, but at least I know my OB will let me have an ultrasound shortly thereafter if they can’t be found that way. Please, oh please, let this whole thing work out.

Here’s to hoping for an uneventful weekend.

Comments (2)

Categories : Miscarriage, Pregnancy

Tags : pregnancy after miscarriage

Pregnancy #2: Post-Script

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· October 9th, 2006

Alas, pregnancy #2 is now over. I’m sad, and I have my crying moments, but I’m alright.

The trip to the hosptial for the D&C this morning wasn’t so awful. Save for an insensitive person at patient registration, everyone was very nice. The nurses were very nice, as was the doctor. And the anesthesiologist saw to it that I have no recollection whatsoever of the actual procedure. (He told me to take five or six deep breaths, I think I only made it to three.) As with my wisdom teeth, I think I woke up from the anesthesia crying. There are worse things. Now the only thing is I’m a little crampy (they gave me some good painkillers for that) and have some light bleeding (less than a regular period). I also have a spectacular bruise from the IV – turns out I have both tough skin and small veins. And they needed to use a big-ass needle, which my husband told me about later. I was, not surprisingly, looking the other way when it went in (3rd time’s the charm).

Honestly, the hardest part is telling the people that we told about the pregnancy in the first place. Even the telling isn’t so bad – it’s the sympathy. I feel like I’m doing alright until I get a sympathetic email. That’s what gets me crying again. I’ve tried to tell people that I would honestly rather not talk about it at all after I’ve told them. I don’t want sad calls, I don’t want emails. I know they’re coming from the kindest possible place, but getting them just reminds me that I’m upset. And for now, I’d rather not be reminded. I’m not in denial, I’m not trying to pretend it’s not happening, but I’ve had my good cries. Right now I’d rather watch a funny movie and bake cookies.

As for trying again, right now I’m on six weeks of “pelvic rest.” Yes, among other things, that means no sex until almost Thanksgiving. No anniversary sex, no birthday sex. Maybe Thanksgiving. Damn, that seems far away! My poor husband…

The sex part aside, though, I can’t help but wonder how people do it – try again after getting sucker-punched like this. I mean, I was paranoid enough this time around. How on earth could I do this again?? I feel like I’d be downright nutty. Nothing but organic food cooked to at least 140 degrees, staying at least 100 feet away from the smokers at the train station, self-imposed bed rest… OK, I guess not. But seriously, how do people do it without going completely bat-shit insane? I guess I’ll find out. After all, it’s not like I have trouble getting pregnant. It’s the staying pregnant thing I apparently suck at.

Yes, inappropriate humor is how we deal with stress in our house.

So, while my hubby and I crack jokes and enjoy our chocolate chip cookies (culinary therapy), I hope all of you pregnant ladies out there have uneventful pregnancies and happy and healthy babies. I’m sure I’ll join you, one of these days… Back in a few months, maybe.

Comments (0)

Categories : Hospital, Miscarriage

Tags : D&C, paranoia

Don’t you just hate it

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (2)· October 8th, 2006

When the thing you’re being paranoid about actually happens?

Late this afternoon I suddenly had some bleeding. I immediately called the doctor and got the on-call person. She thought it was most likely having to do with my hematoma and was probably OK, but would have me come in for an ultrasound as soon as the ultrasound tech came in. Got a call a little while later saying she was there and I could come in. I was trying to think positive, but was not feeling particularly reassured by anything at all.

Did the ultrasound, and the baby was clearly visible. The heartbeat, however, was not. It was easy to see the flickering in both previous ultrasounds, but not this time. I could tell as the gray lines went across the screen when she tried to pick it up. I knew it wasn’t there. She quietly picked up the phone to call someone. Never a good sign. Then she said “do you want to wait for the doctor or do you want me to tell you what’s going on?” Oh, come on. As though that could possibly end up being even remotely good. She confirmed there was no heartbeat. According to the measurements, the embryo died two days ago, at 8 weeks 3 days. It was much more baby-looking this time. It was really clear.

What I always have thought is just adding insult to injury is that I have to go back in for a “D&C.” I can’t handle explaining it or even really giving a link for it. Find it on Babycenter.com, it’s not hard. But it’s not bad enough that they tell you what has happened. Then you have to go in later and, well, finish it off. Just awful.

One of the worst parts is that I now have to tell the people who knew. I’d swear that I won’t tell anyone the next time, but I’m sure I’ll get excited all over again. I’m just so sad that I have to give the bad news to my parents. My dad, especially. He was so excited. I’m glad I convinced him not to tell his entire family, though…

So, maybe I’ll be back to talk of my adventures with anesthesia on Monday, but that will probably be it for a while. I have a feeling the doctor will tell us not to try for a few months after this, and I swear I’ll really take that seriously this time. In the meantime, for those of you from the Babycenter boards who might be reading this, my most sincere wish that this doesn’t happen to you, and that you have healthy pregnancies and perfect babies. I’m sure it’ll be my turn soon enough.

Comments (2)

Categories : Miscarriage

Tags : D&C

Pregnancy #1: Post-Script

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· August 7th, 2006

Boy, what a lucky girl I am! A pelvic exam and a blood draw, all in one day! Other than than, all was just fine for my checkup with the OB/GYN after the ups and downs of last month.

I discovered that, medically, what happened is not actually considered a miscarriage. My doctor said that what likely happened was that an egg was fertilized, and therefore started creating the hormones that would give a positive pregnancy test, but never actually implanted. It’s called a chemical pregnancy.

According to the website I found, it’s apparently pretty common, though most people don’t know it. That’s exactly the thought I kept coming back to: how easily I could have just not known at all. I took the test five or six days after my period “should” have come (though, being off the pill, who knows?). Just imagine if I had waited a few extra days… I would have seen the spotting and then just figured my period was being strange. This is the downside to paying as much attention as I do to these things.

Anyways, not too huge a deal, it seems, and the next time I get a positive test, I’ll be sent in for blood tests to check if hormone levels are as they should be. By the way, I did learn that a normal hCG (human chorionic gonadotropin) level by the time you miss your period is around 1000. When the nurse told me the results of my first test showed a level of around 57, I had no idea what that meant. Now I know!

In the meantime, we’re supposed to hold off on the “trying” until I get my next period, presumably to make sure everything has gotten back to normal. Well… we’ll see about that. Not that I *want* to get pregnant this cycle, but… well I’m not committed to *not* getting pregnant this cycle. I’ll let you know how that goes.

Back relatively soon, I hope…

Comments (0)

Categories : Miscarriage, OB Appointments

Tags : blood draw, chemical pregnancy, hCG

No Dice.

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· July 25th, 2006

Bad news. Hormone levels were down today from Sunday, and bleeding and cramping have increased. Doctor’s office said it definitely looks like I’m miscarrying. I’ll see the doctor in two weeks for a checkup.

Sad news, to be sure. I’m bummed, but I won’t say I’m completely devastated. I didn’t completely let myself believe it in the first place, and I could tell this morning that things weren’t quite right, so I wasn’t entirely surprised when the nurse let me know. Alas.

So, blog is probably off for a while, since the rest of my life isn’t all that interesting.