You twin moms out there will understand.

Our local Whole Foods is a favorite outing.  It’s sort of like running an errand, in that I can pick up groceries and all.  Plus, the kids can get a snack at the customer service desk, I can wander the aisles looking for samples, and maybe we’ll hang out in a booth after shopping to eat a snack together.  Mine is pretty new and big, and I don’t go at particularly crowded times, so it can be an altogether lovely experience.

Except the times when I get cart rage.  You see, my local store has three of the kid-friendly double-seat shopping carts.  Three is not a lot, especially in an area with a pretty high density of twins.  I end up driving around both sides of the store, trying to scope out an available cart before I park.  Sometimes there are none to be found, so I have to use the stroller, and am thereby confined to only purchasing as much (or, rather, as little) as can fit in the under-seat basket.  Or, I get inside the car thinking there’s a double cart available, only to find it is not, and then I get to put one kid in the seat and one in the main basket. Not safe. I don’t dig those carts because they’re cute and red, I need them so that I can effectively shop and contain my toddlers at the same time.  And I know people would freak out if they were not contained, and I know people give me the stinkeye when they see one of my kids just standing in the cart.

The moms of more-than-one can imagine my rage when those carts are taken by people with only one child. ONE child, in one of the only two-seat carts.  ONE child, who very frequently is not only old enough that she is probably too BIG for the one-seat carts, but who also is so BIG that she actually has no interest in even RIDING in the cart.  So mom is ambling around, carelessly blocking aisles, with a big fricking EMPTY shopping cart.  Or, even better, just HOARDS the cart, EMPTY, while the kid plays in the kiddie area or sits in a booth for a snack.  Only their coats in the cart.

Yesterday I almost flipped my lid. We’d already had a rough afternoon, with a too-short nap.  We decided to hit up Whole Foods, and even managed to get one of the coveted carts. Wohoo!  The kids were contained, I could actually get a normal amount of groceries.  Would you believe that, as I was paying, I was all but stalked and chased out of the store so that a mom with ONE kid could take my cart?!  Seriously, one of the (crazy) bagger ladies (who won’t stop touching my kids) literally hustled me out of the store, followed me to my car, and snagged the cart for the lady with one four-year-old.  “But don’t feel rushed,” she said.

I was already in a bad mood with cranky kids, so I felt a little more ripshit pissed off than was appropriate to the situation.  But it’s an issue with some frustrating history.  I know, I know.  The kid thinks the cart is neat and really wants it.  I get it.  But dear people with one kid: please pause for just one second and remember that those of us who have to drag two kids to the store don’t take those carts because they’re cool… we take them because we need the capacity.  And while I’m not saying people with a single child shouldn’t be allowed to use them, I am saying that maybe you should think about the fact that there are only three of them.

And just cut me a fucking break.  I need it.

/rant

Our morning “outing” today was a run to the grocery store.  Always fun times! I decided to go to Whole Foods for a change of pace.  At our local store, there are a few precious carts with two seats. As I parked the car, I spied an empty one, just inside the sliding doors.  Got the kids out of their carseats as fast as I could and walked/carried them… only to see someone else plopping her kids into the much-coveted cart.  Shit.  I asked her if she saw any others when she peeked around to the other side of the store, but she said there were none.  Doh.

So, I go back to the regular carts, one kid in each arm.  I’m standing there, frustrated, cursing under my breath, debating whether to sit one of my kids inside the main area of the cart (verboten!) or schlep all the way back out to my car to get the stroller.  When who comes up behind me, but the very same mom.  She informs me that her older daughter (maybe 3 years old?) said it would be OK to trade carts with us (the younger child was maybe 10-12 months).  I thanked the mom profusely, I told the girl what a wonderful helper she was and how nice it was for her to share the cart.  I believe there was going to be a lollipop reward, somewhere.

Anyways, a little balance to my cranky earlier post: a stranger at Whole Foods did something very nice, completely unnecessary, and totally made my day.  Thank you, nice Whole Foods mom!  And may I not forget this lesson when my kids are old enough to walk next to me in the (un-crowded, middle-of-the-day) grocery store…

A woman in my moms of twins club sent a somewhat desperate sounding email to our group’s listserv last night. She was going through that awful, overwhelmed period where you feel like you spend so much time managing the babies that you can’t actually enjoy them. Plus, she’s in a new moms class (probably the same one I took), and really only has the other singleton moms to compare herself to, so she feels like she’s really not “keeping up,” while all of the other moms are practicing the songs and reading books to their newborns… She got a lot of really positive feedback from the group, as what she’s going through sounds completely normal to the rest of us.

It just got me thinking. I loved that new moms group, because there really are a lot of things that are universal to the experience of being a first-time-mom. We’re all a little nervous, wondering if it’s normal for newborns to be so… noisy, and all of the other new-baby stuff. But on the other hand, there are some fundamental differences to the experience of having multiples that go beyond “twice as much of everything.” Because, especially in the newborn days, that can mean twice as much time feeding, changing diapers, trying to get them to sleep, etc. And that (obviously) has an enormous impact on what else you’re able to do. There’s very little time (and, in particular, energy) for things we hear that singleton moms are doing – singing songs, reading books, lots of cuddling. With two newborns, you almost never get to do those things, and it’s hard not to feel like a shitty mother for it. Especially when the singleton moms in your class claim that their 6-week-old “loves books!”, and you’ve yet to crack one open for your pair. When you hear that there’s some guideline that says you’re not supposed to leave them in the swing for more than 20-30 minutes at a time (I swear I read this somewhere), and that’s the only place you can get yours to sleep, or at least stop screaming long enough for you to pee. Oh, the ways in which we beat ourselves up over the things that we do just to survive those first few months.

Mom-101 wrote last month about the differences between parenting your first and second child. She seemed to be feeling the mom-guilt of not being able to do the same things with your second that you can with your first. A lot of what she said felt very familiar to me, and I thought that being a first-time-mom of twins is a lot like being a second-time-mom, but without the benefit of ANY experience at all. Lucky us!

The key for me, as I have said before and will say again, is social support in the form of a mom network. And much as I love my singleton mom friends, and I don’t mean to knock them, because parenting any newborn is hard, hard work – it’s just different with twins. It just is. And you need to be able to talk to people who have done it with two.

My pediatrician and I were chatting this morning, and I mentioned one or two of the tricks I’ve learned (like coating chunks of slippery banana and avocado with crushed rice krispies), and she laughed and said I was good at giving advice. And I’ve always loved being the person who can help people get questions answered. Tour guide, board member, whatever, I love it. But it’s not because I’m especially clever or creative. I didn’t come up with the rice krispie thing on my own, nor did I dream up most of the other tricks of the trade I’ve learned. I got them from other moms. I’ve asked questions of the women in my MOT club, whether through the listserv or at our monthly mom-support meetings (which I will soon be co-chair of, I’m such a joiner!). I’ve read the blogs of other twin moms, I’ve asked questions here and had people give me ideas and support. And I love passing all of this on to those who come after me, because I know how much it meant to me.

It’s part of the reason I started and have kept this blog. It’s the main reason that I started How Do You Do It?. It’s why I’m getting a little ridiculously involved in my moms of twins club. Lots of us live far away from our families, and it’s unlikely that most of our friends with kids also have twins. We need each other so we don’t go completely insane.

And, little by little, you start to figure it out. You pass that awful newborn stage and end up with predictable naps and happier kids. And then you realize, you’re lucky to be a twin mom when you watch your singleton friends use all of that spare time to hover over their children and freak out about every little scratch or stolen toy. As overwhelming as those newborn days are, I honestly believe being a twin mom actually makes you a lot more laid back about a lot of things, because you have to pick and choose what you’ll spend your time worrying about. You realize your kids have made you a supermom.

So, I’m in Whole Foods today around lunchtime. I felt the need for an outing, the kids had just eaten (mmm, oatmeal), and I needed to replenish my smoothie-making supplies. Off we went.

The kiddos did great in the double snap n go. Rebecca had fallen asleep in the car and stayed that way for a while. Daniel was awake and quietly watching everything go by. I meandered around the prepared foods section until I decided on something for lunch. We got the occasional comment from other shoppers, nothing unusual. Mostly people saying things like “aren’t they sweet.” Very nice.

I pay for my stuff, and sit down at a table to eat my lunch. Rebecca quietly wakes up, Daniel is still just hanging out. It’s a good day, clearly. So why did I suddenly feel so snarky?

As I got up to leave, a woman sitting across from me sort of stopped me and said, “you’re wonderful!” Is it bad that my initial (internal) reaction was, “um, do I know you?” She was very nice, complimenting me up and down about how wonderful my babies are, and how I was clearly doing something right. What the hell is wrong with me that this annoyed, and almost offended, me?

I’m sure it stems from a number of things. The lingering bouts of low self-esteem from high school? Sure. The mental bruises I still have from the many days that are not nearly so good? Oh yeah. I think there’s also a sense that so much is luck and temperament and circumstances, that I’m hesitant to take credit for when things go well. Maybe because I also fear being blamed on the days that they don’t. But I seem to have this weird twin-linked chip on my shoulder.

At any rate, this nice woman was just trying to compliment me. And I recognized my snark as it was happening and tried to keep it in check. No need to be rude to someone who is being nice to me. I think I really need to work on this shoulder chip thing, and just bite my tongue and say “thank you” when someone says something kind and well-meaning.

I don’t have enough of a well-formed idea for a full post today, so I thought I’d go all random on ya.

• Thank you for all the love yesterday! 20 comments! Nice! Oh, and Carrie gets a prize for being no. 10 (because she asked so nicely). So, everyone go and visit her blog and tell her how adorable her boys are. Because they are beyond cute.
• To the first-time commenters – welcome! It’s nice to “meet” you. A bonus from those comments is that I got to add a few new blogs to my list. Yes, I read them all. And you wonder why one of my resolutions is to spend more time with my kids instead of just writing about them.
• We had a playgroup this morning with some of the moms and babies from my new mom group. How crazy that they’re all almost six months old now! Back in September we were all so new and they were all so tiny… no longer. It was very fun to see them all, and to have an outing on this rainy, chilly day.
• Daniel sat unassisted today! At said playgroup, I was supporting him as he sat in front of me. Took my hands away, and he stayed there for a good 15 seconds! Not bad! Then he kind of tipped and folded in half, but he’ll get the hang of it in no time. Rebecca doesn’t have much interest in such things.
• I had a rather hilarious audience as I ate my lunch today. We had just gotten home, and the kiddos were happy enough in their carseats as long as I was chatting with them, so I sat and ate some lunch while they were contentedly confined. They both just stared at me, mouths agape. I think maybe they’re ready to think about solids? Oh, and the dog sat and stared, too, hoping I’d drop something. Not this time… Long story short: I think it’s time to get ready for new adventures in food.
• If Rebecca could have a single nap longer than 45 minutes soon, I’d really appreciate it. I mean, she’s obscenely cute and full of smiles when she wakes up, but somehow that breaks down around 5pm. And that’s not cool.

Back later with something real to say, I promise.

There are lots of odd questions that people ask new moms. One of my least favorite might have to be “are they good babies?” I think what people are trying to ask when they say that is whether they’re “easy” babies. And while I’m not even sure if that’s a more appropriate question to ask, I guess it’s a somewhat better way to phrase it.

No question, some babies are easier in temperament than others. Some are reasonably laid-back, while others are fussier and more high-maintenance. But if easy equals good, then is my fussy baby somehow “bad?” Is my more easygoing twin the “better” of the two? No.

I know, I know. People are (I guess) trying to be nice. But that question really bothers me. As it is, I’m trying not to over-label my kids. They change so frequently, and have such variation, I don’t even like using blanket (comparative) statements like “she’s the better sleeper.” Because, for one thing, the moment it comes out of my mouth, it gets proven wrong. And for another, I think these labels can sometimes become self-fulfilling. Especially if you repeat them to yourself too often, you can start treating them as you expect them to behave, not necessarily how they really are.

I’m not a nut about this. Labels can be helpful, and our minds naturally seek out patterns and predictability. Everyone does it, myself certainly included. But I think there needs to be some care taken with regard to the line between noting patterns of behavior and making “value” judgments.

I guess I’m feeling sensitive to this because my kids are so different, and they do lend themselves to comparisons. Rebecca truly is, in general, more easygoing than Daniel. But the moment I say that… Daniel laughed three or four delightful times today. Rebecca didn’t. And I know he can continue to change, and is not destined to be a “difficult” child just because he was a somewhat fussy 3-month-old. So I sort of take offense at the suggestion, albeit unintentional, that less easy somehow means less good.

And really… what’s not good about these two? And what would honestly qualify an infant as bad? So, are they good babies? You bet. Easy? Well, that’s another question.

This is one of those questions that twin moms hear some variation of, nearly every single day. And for some reason, it’s one of the comments that gets under my skin the most. Along similar lines, it sometimes even bugs me when someone (my MIL) tells me I’m doing an “amazing” job, but they do so with this tone of “holy crap, I can’t believe you take care of two babies all day and haven’t yet killed yourself.” Both of these things are sort of awestruck compliments, and I suppose they sometimes make me smile and give myself a little pat on the back. But when the point is belabored, it sort of bugs me.

I am not a superhero. I’m not even a supermom. Or, if I am, it’s more as a result of having twins. And no, that isn’t even meant as some sappy “my kids made me better!” It’s more about the fact that, when you’re thrown into the situation of having twins, you figure it out. It’s not magic. Just like any other first-time-mom figures out how to deal with her singleton baby, twin moms figure out how to deal with their two. Just like any other mom, some people are more organized while others are more easily frazzled. I do think that twin moms are, in general, less easily frazzled than most. But that’s a matter of necessity. With more than one baby, you just can’t afford to stress out with every cry. You learn from day 1 that you cannot possibly comfort both babies at once. So you do what you can. But that’s no different than anyone else would do, were they in twin-mom shoes.

The flipside is when people seem to assume that I’m miserable. Without so much as a frown, people rush to reassure me that “it’ll get better.” Sometimes with such grave concern and sympathy in their voices. Did I say I was unhappy?? Sure, it’s rough when they’re both crying or fighting naps. And despite a wonderful husband who is great about taking a big chunk of the night shift, I’m more tired than I’ve ever been in my life. Muscles and joints ache all over. But I’m far from unhappy. And my challenges are not remotely unique when compared to other first-time-moms. There might be a bit more in terms of sheer quantity, but the concerns are largely the same.

I know, this is a little strange. I realize that I’m sort of complaining about something relatively nice that people say to me. But I think what I don’t like is the underlying assumption that I’m radically different from other moms, or what I’m “going through” is some superhuman trial. I mean, it is a superhuman trial, but that’s the case with any newborn. And yeah, I think moms of multiples do have a little something special, but we have it because of our twins. We don’t have twins because we’re special.

And frustrating, exhausting, and overall hard as it can be, how could I complain when I’ve got these two faces? I might not wish a twin pregnancy on my worst enemy, but I can’t lie… supermom or not, I feel pretty lucky to have my very own twins. No sympathy, please.

My husband says I’m a snob. In fact, he has gone so far as to suggest that my other twin mom friends are snobs, too.

And you know what? He’s not wrong. But we’re sort of snobs by necessity.

Any new mom knows that the general public really has a thing for babies. People can’t help themselves. But moms of multiples know that people are more than twice as crazy for twin babies. Every single person you pass on the street or at the store has to make a comment. Sometimes it’s kind (“bless you, aren’t they beautiful!”), sometimes it’s annoying (“bet you’ve got your hands full”), sometimes it’s almost rude (“better you than me”). And sometimes it’s just plain stupid (“oh, two boys?” [they're literally dressed in pink and blue] “No, one of each.” “Wow, are they identical?”) But, seriously, EVERY SINGLE PERSON feels the need to say something.

It’s sort of sweet with the first five people. But you soon realize that stopping to chat with all of these strangers is doubling the time it takes to run your errand. The errand you had to plan hours ahead of time, the errand it took you 30 minutes to actually get out of the house and into the car to run. And you stop finding it sweet, and start to have to work to not roll your eyes with every comment.

Two of my twin mom friends and I go for a walk around a nearby pond every week. It’s nice to be out of the house and moving, nice to chat with other people dealing with the same sorts of things (their twins are 4 and 6 months, respectively). Not surprisingly, the three double strollers (and my dog) make for quite a spectacle. But really, does every single person we pass on the 3-mile walk have to say something? We quickly stopped responding to people unless they asked a direct question. If someone just makes a comment to their friend, we don’t even look up. If they say something to us that isn’t a question, we might smile, but definitely don’t break stride. And even direct questions get answered as quickly as possible.

There’s only one person we’ll pause for. Another twin mom.

Then, suddenly we’re all chatty. We ask about how many weeks the other woman’s babies were born at, whether they had any NICU time, etc. No stupid questions about boy/girl twins being identical. We talk in shorthand. MOMO twins, TTTS, NICU… We ask about the other’s double stroller. We don’t ask stupid crap like “how tired are you.” What kind of dumb-ass question is that? This is why my husband says we’re snobs.

And once, just once, we passed a woman with triplet toddlers. We paused and nodded in respect. And as we continued our walk, all three of us looked at each other and said, “can you imagine how bad it would be if there were three?”

We had dinner last night with friends of ours and their two daughters. We actually found out about the second one in a funny way. My husband emailed them to say we were pregnant with twins, with the phrase “I see your baby, and I raise you one.” Well, we get a message on our machine later that night: “Hey guys, it’s Sam, Debbie, Zelda and Amy [not their real names], give us a call, haven’t talked to you in a while.” And we turned to each other and said “Who the hell is Amy?” Zelda was, after all, just shy of 15 months old at the time. Well, we don’t talk to them all that often. Zelda turned one at Thanksgiving, Amy was born in late January. We never even knew Debbie was pregnant.

So, they were in town visiting Sam’s parents, so we went over for dinner to meet the new addition and otherwise enjoy each other’s company. Had a nice time, and the girls were great if maybe a little overtired/overstimulated. But as Sam said he was “introducing us to life with two,” hubby and I had the same thought. It’s possible that “real” twins might just be a teeny bit easier than Irish twins. (Yes, I know that “Irish twins” are technically within 12 months of each other, but I tend to use the phrase for siblings within about a year of each other. Because I can.)

Maybe it’s wishful thinking, trying to find people who “might have it harder than we will.” But hear me out.

With twins, yes, it’s at least in some ways twice the work of one baby. But at least they’re in the same place develomentally. They have roughly the same kinds of needs. And with that, you have at least a little bit of economy of scale. Some things you really only need to do once for both babies, even if it means bringing larger quantities of things when you leave the house. You’re also really only in one general developmental mindset at a time. Not as much switching gears between “this one can’t lift her head, but that one wants to run.”

With two kids so close in age, it would seem to me, you have all of the extra work without the benefit of one being older. A fourteen-month-old can be pretty needy, not just emotionally, but in terms of making sure she isn’t getting into to much trouble. You have an infant to take care of, and all of the helplessness that entails. But the “older” child isn’t really that much older. Not quite old enough to play by themselves for more than 60 seconds at a time, not quite old enough to follow directions or understand consequences. The two kids have different enough needs, developmentally, that you really have to carefully think through each one, instead of just doing more of one thing. Not to mention the shock to the parents of going from one child to two! At least I’ll never know what it’s like to not have two…

Of course, this is all just speculation from someone who’s never done it. But my brother and I were 17 months apart, and my mom said it was pretty rough being pregnant and having a difficult infant while also having a very young toddler to take care of. This twins thing will be crazy and exhausting and hard, but there’s always something that seems like it would be even harder.

Just imagine triplets…

An unexpected recurring theme has emerged as we prepare for the arrival of the double trouble. I was prepared for the weird comments and questions that people have when they find out you’re having twins. “Better you than me.” “Were you on fertility drugs?” “How on earth will you manage?!” All variety of inappropriate or non-helpful things like that. But there was one question I wasn’t prepared to hear from everyone (my own mom included).

“Are you going to hire someone to help?”

More people have suggested this than I would have ever imagined. My mom, a woman in the quilt shop, people on message boards… Who knew? For one thing, I think people see “twins” and think “no mere mortal could possibly handle two infants.” They assume it’s got to be exponentially more difficult than a single baby, and you’d be a fool not to call in the pros. They say “you should hire a baby nurse to come stay for 2-3 weeks to help get them on a schedule.” “You should get a night nurse to come every night from 9:30PM – 6:30AM so you can sleep.”

I can certainly see how this would theoretically make life easier. Who doesn’t want to be able to sleep more? But forgive me if I’m perpetuating some sort of ancient hazing ritual… isn’t it the point for me to be sleep-deprived for a while? I can sort of understand it if I had some sort of health issue that I really wouldn’t be physically capable of being sleep-deprived. Or maybe if I had to go back to work right away and really needed to be able to function on a high level. And maybe if I was some fabulously wealthy socialite in Manhattan whose standing would be ruined if I showed up to a black-tie event with dark circles under my eyes, it would sound reasonable. But there’s a reason I’ll be off work for (at least) 16 weeks. This is my new job.

Don’t get me wrong. I think it will be really hard. I think I’ll cry, I think I’ll lose my mind a little. I think I’ll need help, and fully plan to take advantage of mothers, stepmothers, mothers-in-law… and lactation consultants. I’m considering signing up for a mom “buddy,” either through the Moms of Multiples club or Jewish Family & Children Services. I don’t think I’m some kind of superwoman who laughs in the face of any and all assistance.

But I don’t think that paying a total stranger to stay in my house is the right option for me. For one thing, I think the money would be better spent elsewhere. For another, I neither want to feel like I’m hosting a houseguest nor being told what to do. I want to prepare, I want to seek out support, but I think it would just be an additional stressor to have someone staying at my house. And as for the “night nurse,” not only is my husband a total night owl, but if I’m breastfeeding (which I plan on doing), I’m pretty sure I’ll be getting up whether someone’s there or not!

I’m lucky. My husband’s new job provides for two weeks paid paternity leave, before he has to dip into any vacation or other leave. All sets of grandparents to be are excited to come out and visit/help. I don’t have to go back to work right away. Will this be incredibly hard and stressful? You bet. But somehow I think my husband and I will find a way to make it work. Maybe I’m in a little bit of denial, but I think that’s OK. There’s no way to know how hard it will be until you do it. But somehow I believe we’ll make it through.

If someone wants to hire someone to clean my house for the first month, now we’re talking…