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Living the dream

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (2)· November 20th, 2011

We stopped by the local sporting goods store before lunch today. While I attempted to find a good rain jacket for running (no, I do NOT want to talk about the deteriorating forecast for my Thanksgiving race), M tried to keep track of all three kids while simultaneously offering advice on various running jacket features.

As he stood in the middle of a bunch of clothing racks, squirmy and increasingly heavy Ellie in his arms, pair of insane four-year-olds running in circles around his legs, he turned to me with a wry look on his face.

“I am living the dream, right here.”

Comments (2)

Categories : My beloved, Parenting, Preschoolers

Tags : NaBloPoMo

Coping

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (6)· November 15th, 2011

My twin club has monthly get-togethers that we call “COPE Meetings.” No, no one knows why it’s capitalized or what it might once have stood for, but there you have it. They’re kind of moms-night-out, kind of support group. Tends to be a lot of pregnant women, and new moms of infants or young toddlers. I barely missed a single meeting for almost three years, and I still like to drop in occasionally.

Tonight it was very nearby at a friend’s house, so I thought I’d take the night out. But truthfully, I have mixed feelings about going to these meetings now. I mean, I certainly don’t go for parenting advice among the 4-year-old set. Not only are there very few of us with “older” kids, but it’s just not as much of an advice-asking kind of age the way those first weeks and months with twin newborns were. And while I do have an infant of my own… what, like I’m going to ask Ellie-related questions? For one thing, it’s a single baby, and she’s not my first. So all of the basic infant stuff, I have a relatively decent handle on, or at least I’ve heard all of the advice before. And, believe it or not, there aren’t exactly any other parents of g-tube babies in attendance.

Honestly, part of the reason I went is to pretend like I’ve got my shit together. I mean, I mostly do, more or less. I guess. We’re all alive and clothed and fed, right? But I’ve had a rough couple of days (weeks? months?), and am feeling like I barely have my head above water. Some of Ellie’s delays and issues are, while certainly no worse than before, getting under my skin and stressing me out a lot right now. I don’t feel like I’m doing a great job, and the uphill struggle just seems so long and slow and absolutely no relief in sight. But chit-chatting with nice, curious, nervous women who are pregnant with their first babies? Easy peasy. Makes me feel like the wizened old expert. I can momentarily escape the uncertainty and anxiety that are specific to Ellie for a few hours.

And while that does make me feel mildly guilty, that need to escape my sweet, snuggly little girl, I’m trying not to beat myself up over it. It’s been a rough year, and it’s not like she’s going to hit some magic age and everything will be resolved and better and “normal.” It is what it is, and that’s alright. But I need a break every now and then.

So thanks, people at N’s house, for letting me yammer on about having two babies and things related and unrelated. Whether you know it or not, you were a bit of my therapy tonight. I needed it.

Comments (6)

Categories : Infants, Parenting, Secret society of twin moms

Tags : moms of twins club, NaBloPoMo, special needs, support

Holding Back

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (8)· September 12th, 2010

Tomorrow is the kids’ first day of preschool.

Well, sort of. It’s an intro day. Shorter than a normal morning, only new students (none of the older, returning kids), and there will be extra chairs on the perimeter of the room for the parents to stay. We’ve been asked to bring something to do, or at least look busy. To not participate, to stay in our seats and encourage our kids to explore the room and the people. We’re just there as a little bit of comfort in a new place.

I’m really looking forward to seeing them in their new classrooms. Or, in reality, seeing one of them in their new room. Two kids, two classrooms. It’s a good thing M can go in late tomorrow.

What I am also finding is that I need to fight the urge to pull the teacher aside and fill her in on each and every one of my child’s skills, quirks, and tricky spots.

“Rebecca has been second-guessing herself on the potty. If she says she needs to go, and then 5 seconds later claims to not need to go anymore, don’t believe her. She’s 45 seconds away from an accident.”

“Daniel has a really hard time focusing on what he needs to do. It will take him 30 minutes and 65 reminders to go get his shoes.”

“Rebecca is getting kind of sneaky in her bossiness. Keep an eye on her or she’ll ‘trade’ all of the other kids for their life’s possessions.”

“Daniel can get really enthusiastic. Good luck getting him to stop talking.”

Here’s the thing: these women have been teaching for a whole lot longer than I’ve been parenting. I don’t say that to discount my own knowledge of my kids. I simply mean that, whatever my kids’ strengths and weaknesses are, the teachers have seen it before. My children will not be the smartest, the sneakiest, the slowest, the sweetest, the clingiest, or the most anything that these women have encountered. They are individuals and they are wonderful, but they aren’t that unique.

When we went to the New Parents meeting last week, the staff was outlining the drop-off procedure, which is a car line at our school. We simply pull up, open the doors, and the teachers unbuckle the kids and escort them inside. I don’t even turn off the engine. One mom interrupted to say that, clearly, her daughter was not going to go for that. “I have a velcro child,” she says. “We’ve never done drop-off like that before, there’s no way she’s going to let anyone take her out of the car.” The teachers smiled and responded kindly, talking about projecting a positive attitude and telling her daughter what to expect. And said that, if it was really and truly that bad, she could pull over out of line.

All M and I could think was, “do you really think your child is that different?” Did she really think these teachers had never seen a clingy 3-year-old cry on the first day of school before? Yes, your child is unique and special. Just like everybody else.

I don’t judge her too harshly, though. Because clearly I harbor some of the same feelings. That intense knowledge of my children. The worry about the teacher getting to know the “real” Becca and the “real” Daniel, understanding where their quirks come from. Heck, just hoping nothing reflects too badly upon me as a parent!

But it’s time to step back a little bit. Let these teachers, whom I have no reason not to trust completely, get to know my kids on their own terms. Sure, they may miss out on some of the background info. But they also miss out on any of my baggage, which is just as well. Simply meet my kids and learn about them from scratch.

It’s good for all of us.

Comments (8)

Categories : Parenting, Preschoolers, School

Tags : first day of school, helicopter parents

Isis Babies from the Start

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (10)· April 28th, 2010

I first found Isis more than four years ago. I was in that stage where we weren’t quite ready to start trying to get pregnant, but I thought about it ALL. THE. TIME. I read everything I could online, I covertly checked out maternity clothes. When poking around the maternity section of the Brigham & Women’s Hospital website (the place I thought I might deliver, but ultimately did not), I saw that they outsourced their prenatal education to the then-new Isis Maternity. I ate up everything on Isis’ site. I imagined signing up for their classes and learning how to breathe through labor, and read all about breastfeeding consults. Why yes, I do obsess over things long before I need to. Why do you ask?

Anyways, when my turn came around, I took my first Isis class at their original center in Brookline, and it was Parenting Multiples (the class was so-so, but reports from other friends lead me to believe that it’s really awesome now). I got my prenatal massage there. And when my itty bitty babies were five weeks old, we started Great Beginnings, the very first in the mom/baby class series.

Oh, how I loved that class. So much knowledge and comfort. I loved our teacher, Carole, who had such a way with both the babies and the moms. I loved our group, the fact that we all got along and that we still try to get together when we can.

Since those first days more than two and a half years ago, we have taken almost the entire Child Development class series. Social Butterflies. Sprouts.

Sign & Sing. Explorers. Lightning Bugs.

There’s a part of me that’s pretty sad about the fact that my kids are about to age out of the Isis offerings. But we’ve had an awesome time there. It was always a safe place to go. A place where they understood babies who cried, toddlers who touched things they weren’t supposed to, and moms who were exhausted, at their wits end, or celebrating the biggest or tiniest of accomplishments.

So, when my friend Cindy at Isis invited me to a big launch event at the Boston Isis location, I was tickled. While I’ve always been skeptical when a company does some “rebranding,” in this case I think it was a fitting evolution. It started as “Isis Maternity” six years ago, and quickly became the largest provider of prenatal education in the country. It is the official childbirth education provider for nearly all of the major Boston hospitals. Their prenatal classes of all varieties (hypnobirthing, anyone?) are great, but they go way beyond those few months of pregnancy. Classes through age 3. Toys and gear and clothing from nursing bras and slings to puzzles and ride-on toys. Every product is on someone’s “must-have” list, and is the latest in gadget-y, organic-y, and of-the-moment-y stuff.

Their new identity is “Isis: Parenting Starts Here.” That couldn’t be more fitting. It was really and truly where I got my start. I could go on for days about how the classes there gave me confidence, taught me how to get out of the house, taught my kids how to behave in a group class setting, and always was one of my favorite outings. Boston-area parents, do yourself a favor. If you’re at all accessible to Arlington, Boston, Brookline, or Needham, sign yourself and your babies up for whatever class you can. If the price seems too high to manage, talk to someone at the center, because they’ve got a community fund to help if the cost is prohibitive.

I have never regretted signing up for a class at Isis, and I bet you won’t, either.

Comments (10)

Categories : Child Development, Learning/Classes, Out and about, Parenting

Tags : Boston, Isis Maternity, Isis Parenting, mom and baby classes, new moms, prenatal education

Free Advice

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (3)· November 22nd, 2008

I like giving advice.

I know, you’re all falling down with shock. It’s a startling revelation. I’ll give you a moment to recover and climb back onto your chair. … … …

I’ve long been this way. I love to give advice. And it’s not about being a know-it-all, or at least I’d like to think it isn’t. It’s more about wanting to share the things I’ve already learned, maybe to have other people benefit from my experience. In a sense, it’s sort of my small way of feeling like I get a do-over, since there are no real do-overs in life.

The downside, if you want to call it that, is that I think I’m coming off as more knowledgeable than I really am. That I’m somehow giving off the impression that I’m better at this stuff than someone else. And while it’s sweet to get compliments about being a good mom and having my act together and “doing it all”… I have a secret for you:

I don’t have my shit together any more than most people. I’m not a super-mom, or at least no more than any of the other moms I know. I might do some things “better” than some people, but lots of people do lots of things better than I do, too.

I could go into the many ways in which this is true, from the cluttered mess that is my house to the times when I get angry and frustrated and yell at my kids (totally unproductive, of course, but I think we’ve all done it). Not to mention the times when I turn on Sprout in the hopes of a moment’s peace.

I’m not trying to say I’m a bad mom. I think I’m doing the best I can, just like everyone else, and I think that most of the time I do a reasonably good job. But the fact that I’m vocal about suggesting this thing or that thing (apparently my responses to my twin club listserv questions have earned their own bookmarked folder in at least one person’s inbox!) does not make me some uber-expert.

Nearly all of the stuff I spout off about are things I learned elsewhere, and not original thoughts because I’m some parenting prodigy. I talk to moms whose kids are older than mine. I see what worked for them and what didn’t. I read lots of blogs. I read a few good books. I mash it all together, just like everyone else does. But, I suppose, when I figure out something that seems to work, I start to feel really strongly about it. And then, well, I have a big mouth and feel compelled to tell everyone. I’m also the kind of person who likes to go into a situation with a plan, even if the plan doesn’t go as I would have hoped. So all of that, plus the filter of blogging and you only seeing what I choose to write about, sometimes creates an illusion of me having it more together than I really do.

While I wouldn’t go so far as to say I have many regrets, there are times when I wish I had the chance to go back and do things over with the benefit of hindsight. Not that I’d necessarily change the outcome or anything – more that I’d love to be able to get to the outcome faster, more confidently, with less trial and error. Of course, I know that I’d then miss out on the lessons learned by the errors, but you know what I mean. And, since there’s probably a better-than-even chance that I won’t have more kids, I don’t ever get to parent the ages that have already passed with the benefit of what I know having gone through them.

And, so, I do my best to pass along what I’ve learned to those who are weeks or months or years behind me in this process. And I hope that bits and pieces resonate and make the bumpy path a little easier.

Or, you know, maybe not.

You know what they say about free advice…

Comments (3)

Categories : Blogging, Parenting

Tags : advice, NaBloPoMo

New Year, Better Me

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (4)· January 7th, 2008

Resolutions are so cliche, I know, but I think I should write them down in the hopes of holding myself accountable. They’re more “goals” than resolutions. But I think it’s a good exercise, anyways, to think about the ways in which you’d like to improve yourself or your life. So, here’s my list.

Lose weight. Yes, the ultimate New Year’s cliche. But I’m still holding on to way too much baby weight, and it’s just not acceptable. Most likely I’ll go back on Weight Watchers. I’ve done it before, and it works for me every time. It’s just that I lose steam… Ah well. Gotta keep trying. But this resolution has several sub-goals, which are more specific markers to reach for:
- Wear wedding rings. I haven’t worn my wedding and engagement rings since I was about 12 weeks pregnant. I really miss them, but I want to try and avoid having them re-sized.
- Stop wearing maternity clothes. My dirty little secret is now out. I still sometimes wear maternity clothes outside of the house. Stacey and Clinton just felt a small part of them die inside. Well, it ends with the new year. No more maternity clothes (except as pajamas, because they sure are comfy).
- Shop at Ann Taylor Loft again. Must fit fat ass into real pants. Must get out of plus sizes. Lane Bryant is a good option, and all, but I know I can be in the regular sizes again.
Exercise. Related to, but separate from the weight loss. I need it to clear my head, I need it to be in better shape for my kids. I need to be stronger, so I can keep up with my babies-who-will-soon-be-mobile. And I need to not throw my back out. That’s not cool.
Get a babysitter. Necessary for accomplishing goal #2, but also necessary for my sanity. I love my kids more than anything, but I need a break sometimes. And there’s literally no way I’ll ever get to the gym without a sitter to watch the kids. This one is in progress, just waiting for the potential sitter to return from winter break.
Be more baby-centered when the twins are awake. I feel as though I too frequently finish feeding the babies, then “put” them somewhere while I do something. Laundry, washing bottles, eating breakfast, whatever. And while that’s sometimes both necessary and good, as independent play is an important skill, I really think some of those tasks could wait (aside from breakfast) and I could just sit and interact with them more.
Read to them. A more specific counterpart to goal #4. M and I both love to read, and were real bookworms as kids, and I hope to pass that love of books to our children. And, thanks to wonderful friends and family, we have an enormous library of children’s books from which to choose. Time to put them to good use. First step: at least two books per day.
Be more productive when the twins are asleep. Sometimes getting them to sleep is so exhausting that I just want to veg out while they nap. And sometimes that’s just peachy. But if I’m going to be more centered on them when they’re awake, then I need to make better use of my time when they’re asleep.
Finish their quilts. Seriously. It’s been way too long.
Decorate their nursery. I have nursery envy from the one my dad set up, and I realized that their rooms here are a little minimalist for my taste. We’ve got picture frames and photos to put in them coming out the wazoo. Time to unleash my inner decorator.
Take a photography class. I love taking pictures, of the babies in particular. And I just got a fancy new lens for my camera. But I know I’m not taking full advantage of my tools, so I’d like to learn how.
Get back in touch with M. Last, but should not be least. It’s so easy, as all new moms know, to neglect your relationship with your husband when babies arrive. I’ve been trying not to, but I could do better.