Following is copied and pasted directly from an email to a MOT friend of mine. She has been asking me sleep advice, and wants to do CIO with her nearly-6-month-olds but doesn’t have the time to read Ferber (you all know how I feel… read the book!).  I’m no guru, but I’m opinionated.  So, here’s my epic email to her (verbatim, just with added links), with my mish-mash, cliff’s-notes version of Weissbluth and Ferber.  All in what we deemed her “sleep plan.”  Maybe it’ll be useful for someone else out there in the blogosphere.

[Cross-posted at How Do You Do It?]

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Alright, this might be the longest email I’ve ever written.  Sorry.  I just felt like I had to explain things.  Let me know if you have any questions.  And let me just say: this is what worked for me and my kids.  I’m no expert, I’m no doctor. Not all kids are the same, and there’s no one perfect solution that will have your kids sleeping until 8AM every day for the rest of their lives. (ha!) But, overall, this is what worked really well for us.

6:30am (or later, yeah right!): wake up
8:30-9:00: go down for morning nap, depending on how tired they seem or how early they woke up
12noon-1:30pm: go down for mid-day nap, depending on how late AM nap went
3:30-4:30pm: go down for late-afternoon nap, again depending on how mid-day nap went
6:30-7:00pm: start bedtime routine
7:00-7:30pm: lights out

Here’s my philosophy: well-rested kids with a predictable routine are going to sleep better (good sleep begets good sleep), wake up happier, and be generally easier and more receptive to their world than those who are over-tired or unpredictable.  Since that is my starting philosophy, I pretty much think that 95-99% of days should revolve around their sleep schedule.  Yes, sometimes you can play with it. But you won’t know how and when to take that risk until they’ve settled into it. So my advice is to stick like krazy glue to a schedule for at least a week or two and see how it goes before you try fudging things around. It can feel restrictive at first, and some people give you grief for it. But, honestly, I eventually found it sort of freeing, because I knew ahead of time what were good and bad times of day for my kids (more or less) and could plan accordingly.  If you don’t know when your kid is going to nap, how can you know whether or not to sign up for that 3pm class? And it does mean you need to be careful with outings, because you don’t want them falling asleep in the car when you’re on the way home for their nap, and things like that.  Not always super flexible, but it pays off.  And yes, I always did the same thing for both kids at the same time.  One may wake up earlier than the other, but I always put them down at the same time.

Now, for details…

(more…)

It’s time. Time for my kids to sleep through the night. Time for them to sleep un-frigging-swaddled. Time to stop making bottles between the hours of 7pm and 6am. Tonight, we Ferberize.

I had hoped I’d be able to make this happen gradually, that my kids would just start to sleep through on their own. Not so much. So I decided I’d go the Ferber route. Everyone I know who has done it says it’s a few rough nights but then all is well. Sounds good to me. But if I was going to do it, I wanted to really know what I was doing. I didn’t want to rely on my assumptions of what it was all about, or someone else’s re-telling of how it’s done. So, while I was in Florida, I actually read his book.

And you know what? I’m really glad I did. All I knew about Ferber before this was something about gradual crying-it-out, increasing intervals of time. And that, somehow was supposed to make the kids sleep better. After reading, now I get it. It’s not about the crying. It’s about sleep associations. What conditions am I putting in place for when my kids fall asleep, and will those conditions be the same when they wake up overnight (as all people do), so they can easily fall back asleep (as most people do). I realized I was perpetuating the overnight bottles, because our bedtime routine essentially includes feeding them to sleep. Shockingly, then, when they wake up at night, they want the bottle to fall back asleep.

I also had thought I needed to get them out of the swaddle before I could “Ferberize,” (not entirely knowing what that meant). Now, I realize that swaddling is just another sleep association that needs to change. And that, more fundamentally, is Ferberizing.

I realize that most people haven’t read his book. And I understand, most people don’t have a ton of time, and think they understand what it’s about. But there’s a lot of misconceptions out there. I told a friend I was planning on it this weekend, and she said “don’t go too hardcore. A friend of mine did that. She let the kid cry for like six hours, and he had pooped and vomited and was just lying there.” That’s not Ferber, though people assume it is, which is why lots of people balk when you say you’re Ferberizing. No, Ferber would have you go in and check if the kid is still crying. And if there’s poop or puke to deal with, you deal with it. You don’t have to let the poor kid stew in his juices all night. Anyways. If you’re interested in the idea, I highly recommend picking up the book. You can skip the chapters on sleep apnea and bedwetting (or save them for later). Just read the first parts.

We’re going kind of cold-turkey tonight on a number of things, which may seem a little harsh. But you know what? I could re-do this process with each condition that needs fixing, or just do it all at once. My kids will not be emotionally scarred. They’ll be just as upset with the change if I do it one thing at a time versus all at once. According to the book and nearly everyone I’ve talked to, this should all be over in three or four nights. Let’s hope that’s true.

The new bedtime routine, as of tonight:
- bathtime (same)
- PJs and sleep sack, maybe some songs while getting dried off and dressed (same)
- no swaddle
- upstairs, sit in the rocking chair for a last bottle (no longer while in bed, unlikely to fall asleep while eating)
- lie down in crib, read story (used to read while eating bottle in bed)
- smooch, good night, lights out.

For tonight, the cry-it-out intervals are 3, 5, and 10 minutes. If/when they wake up overnight (anytime before 6am), the intervals re-start. But no picking up and rocking, no bottles. A quick belly rub, a reminder that we haven’t really gone anywhere. But that’s it.

As for things specific to Ferberizing twins, I have decided to keep them in the same room, as always. M is not thrilled with this idea, and wants to separate them so they don’t wake each other up. I have three responses to that argument. The first is this: our house is not that big. If one is carrying on for an extended period of time at any real volume, the risk of waking the other is still present. The rooms just aren’t that far apart. Second: if they’re going to wake up and scream, I’d just as soon they did it at the same time in the same place. It’s incredibly frustrating to me when, as soon as one has calmed down, the other starts up. That means that mommy gets no sleep. And possibly even worse is when they cry at the same time but in different rooms. No thank you. My third response: I want our kids to share a room for the next couple of years. Part of that means learning to sleep through a certain amount of commotion. If you constantly separate them when one is disruptive, then you’ll always have to do so. Whereas if they learn to sleep through each other’s noise, then you can have some pretty sound sleepers on your hands, who aren’t easily woken when one gets sick, has a bad dream, or even when there’s noise from mom & dad’s dinner party downstairs.

I don’t mean for this to be one big commercial for Dr. Ferber’s theories. As with any of these books, there are things with which I disagree (including what he says about twins and his ideas about appropriate times for naps). And as with any of the millions of highly-touted methods for getting your baby to do this or that, everyone has to make the right choice for their family and situation. All I suggest is that any decision be an informed one. Whatever the theory/method may be, read the book.

Alright, this has become quite an epic post. Obviously this subject is taking up a lot of my emotional energy at the moment. But no more putting it off. The longer I wait, the worse my kids’ sleep seems to get. Project Ferber is a go.

Wish me luck.

It’s time for a sleep revolution in my house. Too long has chaos reigned. Too long has it been since M and I spent a whole night, together, in the same bed. It ends now.

OK, I’m maybe being a little melodramatic. But it’s the truth. It’s time for some major changes around here. Nighttimes are not significantly or consistently improving. Naptimes are unpredictable. I’m tired of hearing about people whose kids slept through the night consistently since they were eight weeks old, and I’m tired of not knowing when my kids will need to nap from day to day.

I’ve been primarily a Weissbluth girl. My friend sent me Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child when I was in my second trimester. I was all about early bedtimes, and not letting the kids stay up too long. Um, then I kind of realized I had neglected to go back and read the chapter after 0-4 months. Heh.

So, the first change I’ve been trying to make over the last few days is having a predictable nap schedule by the clock. My adherence to “put them down after 2 hours of wakefulness, max” was no longer appropriate, and was frequently resulting in 4 45-minute naps every day. Not cool for anyone. Now, we aim to start the morning nap around 9 (today was 8:40, but they got up early – I don’t know what kind of crack Ferber is smoking that he thinks it could wait until 10 or 10:30). I’ll even give them a little extra bottle before they go down, so they don’t wake up from being hungry. And, may I say, they’re still asleep right now. Two hours, baby! That’s what I’m talking about.

The goal for the afternoon nap is for them to go down somewhere between 12 and 2. It’ll depend on how long the morning nap lasts, but instead of trying to put them down earlier, I’m now trying to stretch things a little bit. I don’t want to wait until they’re hysterical, of course, but try to keep them awake and entertained for just a little longer.

Some days there’s a 3rd nap in there, at this point more often than not. If they wake up from the afternoon nap before about 3pm, there’s almost no way on earth they’ll make it to bathtime at 6:15 or 6:30 without going completely bonkers. In that case, I shoot for a catnap around 4:30. But if we’ve made it past 5pm and they’re still up, then no 3rd nap.

As far as naps go, I’m definitely still a Weissbluth girl. Ferber, as I said, seems to think the morning nap should be around 10. And there’s just no way that’s happening right now. He also thinks the 3rd nap should be about gone by now, which also isn’t in the cards. My nap schedule is straight Weissbluth, with that 3rd nap hanging around potentially for a few more months.

Anyways, so far so good on the nap thing. But it’s all about to be thrown for a loop, because tomorrow, we introduce Doctor Ferber… back soon with more.

Of all the milestones my kids will reach in their first years of life, one I’m looking very much forward to is the fabled “sleeping through the night.” As is the case with many milestones, sleep in particular seems to have a huge range in terms of when this would actually happen. Unlike things such as sitting up, which is a clear “you are or you aren’t” kind of thing, “sleeping through the night” has an enormous gray area. What is “through the night,” anyways?

Let’s start with some less debatable parameters. I once had someone try to tell me that her baby started sleeping through the night at 3 weeks old. I was beside myself. Well, upon pressing for further details, she said “well, I mean, she still eats three times, but she’s not really awake.” OK, I’m sorry. That doesn’t count as sleeping through the night. Does that sound like pretty good sleep for a 3-week-old? Absolutely! Lots of babies don’t differentiate between night and day that early, and are frequently wide awake at various points in the middle of the night. But if you, the parent, must get up and feed or otherwise tend to the baby, I would argue that it does not count as sleeping through the night.

The really gray area, in my mind, concerns the definition of “night.” It depends on when you put the baby to bed, first of all. I’m more of a Weissbluth devotee, so baby bedtime in my house is early, generally between 6 and 7pm. Already, I’m thinking something very different from someone who puts their baby to bed at 8 or even 10pm. Second of all, I’ve talked to many people who say their babies wake up only once per night, and come to find out that really means they really eat at 10pm (when mom & dad are still up), and then wake up “once” at like 3am. So people who are in that frame of mind would consider “sleeping through the night” to be “sleeping while mom & dad sleep.” And they say baby is sleeping through when they drop the 3am, but are still getting up/eating at 10 or 11pm. Again, I think this is excellent progress, and I can’t wait for it to be the norm in my house. But by my standards, 10pm and 3am equals getting up twice.

I suppose I’ve set my bar for “sleeping through” somewhat high. I won’t call it that until they go down at 6-7pm and wake up at a reasonable morning hour. (OK, right now Daniel thinks 5:30am is a reasonable morning hour, but sometimes I get lucky and it’s more like 6:30-7am.) So, to me, “sleeping through the night” means around 12 straight hours of sleep for baby. I know this is possible. I know it’s actually quite good for them. But I know I won’t be all the way there for some time yet. For now, both kids are generally waking up around 11 and 3, though Daniel had a stretch last month of only waking up once, and Rebecca has managed a single bottle the last couple of nights.

Believe me, I’d be psyched if we were consistently down to one wakeup at 11pm-ish, and then asleep until 6am. That would positively rock my world. I’m thinking about trying to wean them off of the 3am bottle after the holidays, when things settle down. So far, we really haven’t taken a particularly active role in getting them to sleep through, aside from the bedtime routine and feeding them in place overnight. But the time is coming. I don’t think they’re ready to meet Dr. Ferber just yet, so I’m going to start by gradually decreasing how much I put in the 3am bottle in the hopes they’ll get used to taking less and less, and then just won’t get up for it. We’ll see.

Oh, and if your four-month-old is sleeping through the night even by my standards? I’m beyond jealous.