Ferberize | Goddess in Progress

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You’re lucky, wee man

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (0)· March 23rd, 2008

… and your little sister, too.

OK, enough mixing metaphors movie quotes. Seriously, my kids are lucky that we have out-of-town guests staying with us this weekend, or they’d be straight back on the Ferber bandwagon. For us, Ferberizing and good sleep are a question of sticking with good habits and avoiding bad ones. Just like when you’re on a diet and things are going well, at some point you start to slip up. Get a little lazy, inch back towards your old ways. This is what has happened to us. It started with our trip to California, where we were a little more willing to do whatever it took to get the kids to sleep, instead of just letting them cry it out. And while Daniel has largely continued to sleep quite well through the night, Rebecca has started waking more. She’s also gotten into the habit of only taking 2-3 ounces of her bedtime bottle, and then wakes up hungry some number of hours later.

The last two nights, she has woken at 3:30AM and more or less not gone back to sleep. With guests in the next room, I wasn’t going to let her cry it out, so I picked her up and rocked with her, but every time I tried to put her back in her crib, she woke up. I brought her into bed with us out of desperation, but even then she was unsettled. While she managed to doze on and off a bit, yours truly was awake. Lovely. Today, Daniel woke up too, and had no interest in returning to sleep. So, at 5AM, we came down and started the day (after trying to get them back to sleep for an hour). Needless to say, I am not a happy mommy right now. It’s dark, I’m tired, and I’m frustrated. The kids are kind of crabby, because though they don’t want to go to bed, they haven’t slept enough. And, WTF do I do about the morning nap? I’m trying to hold them off as close to “regular” nap time as I can so that the rest of my day isn’t completely shot, but it’s not even 6:30 and I don’t know how much longer they’ll last. Ugh.

Sleep and my kids appears to be a pretty slippery slope. They’re clever, and will notice and try to exploit variations in the routine pretty quickly. Cry-it-out really seems to be the right method for them (or me?), because otherwise, one attempt at intervention leads to another and another, until I’m doing some crazy one-legged dance in the hopes they’ll go back to sleep, and they’re wide awake, watching the nutty mommy show.

While I would usually advocate starting Ferberizing on a Friday night so you’ve got the whole weekend, I think I may insist that we go for it tonight, a Sunday. Because you know what? I’m not sleeping, anyways. Might as well be working towards a goal instead of another week of me spinning on my head, trying to get the kids back to sleep.

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Categories : Infants, Sleep

Tags : Ferberize, Overnight, sleeping through the night

Ferber, night 4 recap

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (9)· February 19th, 2008

That sound you heard at 5:45am Eastern Time? Yeah, that was a heavenly chorus. Well, it might also have been Rebecca, but mostly it was the heavenly chorus.

WAHOO! Both of my kids slept until 5:45am!! I did set my little timer for the 12-minute interval, and Rebecca actually quieted down. But she had woken Daniel up, who wasn’t super-upset, but definitely awake. When the timer went off at a few minutes before 6, I decided it was close enough (as my children are brilliant, but cannot yet tell time) and we started our day. Daniel was fussy, but Rebecca was calm and all smiles. We came downstairs, they polished off their bottles, and they are now playing happily on the mat.

One of these nights, maybe even I will sleep straight through! Daniel becoming a tummy sleeper has made me a little nervous, but he thankfully seems to have figured out how to turn his head to the side. He was in that position from when I checked on him around 9pm until I got him up this morning. I did wake up around 3am and had a bit of a hard time going back to sleep, I think because I was bracing for another 2-hour fuss fest from Daniel. But it never came! And all of this was just in time, since M sadly has to go back to work today after a long weekend. So no more handing them off to him after the morning nap while I crash.

I’ll be damned, this crazy Ferber thing seems to have worked. Everyone said, “3-4 nights and you’ll be all set.” Last night, I admit I wondered if maybe it wouldn’t work for Daniel. But there you go, Rebecca slept through on night 3, and Daniel on night 4. Let’s just hope they can repeat it and it isn’t just a fluke.

And maybe, just maybe, I can start posting about something other than sleep. Wouldn’t that be something?

Comments (9)

Categories : Infants, Sleep

Tags : Ferberize, Overnight, sleeping through the night, tummy sleeping

Ferber, night 3 recap

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (3)· February 18th, 2008

We had a rough day yesterday as far as napping was concerned, so Rebecca in particular was hysterical by bedtime. While Daniel might have more endurance as far as fussing goes, Rebecca truly becomes inarticulate with rage. It’s almost scary to watch.

Anyways, we did our bedtime routine with a bath (didn’t put a dent in her hysteria, that’s how mental she was), bedtime bottle, and then down in the crib and a story. Turned off the light, went downstairs and… nothing. Not a peep. Wohoo!

Still, though, the initial bedtime is proving to be the easy part. It’s that 2-4am range when Daniel wakes up, he’s having a really hard time getting back to sleep. This time, he woke up at 3:30, kind of stuck in the corner of his crib. I moved him, and he seemed OK. And then he just… fussed off and on. Little bouts of real crying, but mostly varying levels of fussing. Then he’d be quiet for a couple of minutes, and then start again. Since my checks on him do not appear to have any kind of calming effect, I actually didn’t bother going in until he was really, as the book says, “crying vigorously.” Still very sad to listen to, but my presence didn’t seem to help, so I mostly just let him do his thing. Poor guy fussed on and off all the way until 6am.

Yes, I’m sorry to say, that’s a longer duration than last night. That said, the overall intensity was much lower, so I’m counting it as progress. I will admit, though, that I had higher hopes for this, our third night. But still, progress is being made. I’m a little concerned that, two nights in a row, he has pretty much fussed/cried until it was time to get up. I hope he isn’t learning that if he fusses long enough I’ll eventually come get him. I mean yes, that’s fundamentally true. I just want the poor kid to go back to sleep! You have to give it to him, he certainly is dedicated.

Oh, and with all of Daniel’s commotion, it’s easy to almost overlook the fact that Rebecca slept all night long! Barely so much as a peep from her until she woke up happy at nearly 6:30. Hip hip, hooray!

Now if I could get Daniel to do the same, then maybe mommy could finally sleep through the night.

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Categories : Infants, Sleep

Tags : Ferberize, Overnight, sleeping through the night

Ferber, night 2 recap

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (1)· February 17th, 2008

Initial bedtime: Bath started closer to 6:30-6:45 tonight. Neither baby had napped particularly well (though better than I expected, actually), so bedtime was a touch earlier. As M was leaving the nursery after finishing Rebecca’s story, Daniel had again rolled onto his belly. He seemed OK with it, so M just left it as it was. Daniel cried a few minutes later and I checked on him, he had his face smooshed flat into the mattress. I turned him over, and he went to sleep within a couple of minutes.

Evening: Rebecca, in particular, seemed a bit unsettled and would sort of give a whine every now and then, but it didn’t seem to last more than a minute. Once or twice she even started to really cry, and we thought “oh boy, here we go.” We’d start the timer for the first interval (five minutes tonight, instead of three), and she’d be done before it went off.

Wee hours: M came to bed around 2. Checked on the kids, both seemed fine. At 4, I heard Daniel start to fuss. It wasn’t much, but I could tell from the sounds that he was stuck on his belly, so I took the calculated risk and went in and quickly flipped him over. He hardly made a peep. But he was awake, and 15 minutes later started crying. Sometimes hard, then he’d stop for a minute, then start up again. I could hear in the tone of the cry that he was obviously sleepy. Poor kiddo, just go back to sleep! I was also torn about going in when my timer went off… hard to tell if my check-in actually just made him cry harder! It certainly didn’t seem to quiet him. I wanted him to know I was still around and responding to him, but it sometimes felt counter-productive to the goal of getting back to sleep. So I tried to wait until he was really crying, instead of just going in by the clock. Alas, he cried from 4:15 until my pre-set “morning” time of 6am, so by then we just got up. Still, it was less than last night, so for that I’ll be grateful.
Rebecca, on the other hand, seems to be getting the hang of this. Despite her brother’s not-so-quiet crying, it took a full hour for her to wake up, too. And even then, she wasn’t crying hard. When I went in to check on Daniel, I gave her a pacifier and she slept until a little after six, when I got them both up. Yay!

I’m finding their newfound independence (finally unswaddled) is making me more paranoid than I had been in a while. You know when you bring that newborn home and you check like every 2 minutes to make sure they’re still breathing? I’ve been brought back to that. For as lovely as all of the non-crying was tonight, M and I both would look at each other and say “is it… too quiet?” We were torn between desperately wanting them to sleep, and desperately wanting to go check on them and make sure they were still breathing (therefore risking waking them up).

Daniel, in particular, is making me totally neurotic. He seems hell-bent on becoming a belly sleeper. Unfortunately, when he gets there, he has apparently forgotten how to turn his head to the side. So then his face is straight down in the mattress. After turning him over the first time (see above), he seemed OK. I checked on him later in the night and he was about 95% on his belly, with his shoulder kind of pressed into the crib rails (tonight, anyways, I’m glad there’s no bumper on his crib). But his head was at least turned and I could feel him breathing, so I didn’t move him. Looked pretty uncomfortable, but he stayed that way from probably 9pm until 4am!! After he woke up, though, he repeatedly rolled onto his tummy and got stuck. Yet cried much harder when I went back in to turn him over. I wouldn’t mind him being a tummy sleeper if he would just remember to turn his head! Any suggestions, all you parents out there? And hey, I suppose he could be figuring out that when he rolls over at night, I come in the room. But he sure doesn’t seem happy to see me…

Alas, this is just one step in the very long road of being worried for my kids as they start to do one thing or the other on their own. As M said tonight, “just think, in 17 1/2 years we’ll send them to college. Imagine how paranoid we’ll be, then.” Indeed. At least now I can walk upstairs and see that they’re OK.

Overall, night 2 was an improvement over night 1. Now if I could just help Daniel remember how to turn his head, I think we’d be in business.

Comments (1)

Categories : Infants, Sleep

Tags : Ferberize, Overnight, sleeping through the night, tummy sleeping

Ferber, night 1 recap

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (3)· February 16th, 2008

Both babies were down in bed, lights out, around 7:30. We didn’t necessarily intend to move bedtime back, but they were both in pretty good moods until almost 7, so we rolled with it.

Daniel, shockingly, went right to sleep! It was not to last, but it was a good start. Rebecca talked to herself and blew raspberries for at least a half hour. She then slowly ramped up until she got good and mad, which lasted maybe 45 minutes or so, and of course woke up Daniel. Daniel woke up with Rebecca’s screaming around 8:30, and though she fell asleep not long after that, he kept on going for probably about an hour. M said, “wouldn’t you just get bored of crying?” Not our kids. They’ve got dedication.

And then… nothing more than maybe a grumble or two for hours! I had been sleeping for a while, and M had just come to bed, so I took over. Daniel was up around 2:30. That’s when it got interesting.

I waited a few minutes to see if he was serious, and went in for my first check. One whiff and I knew he had a poopy diaper. Poor guy. I quietly picked him up, brought him into the other room, got a fresh diaper and PJs as it had leaked through the diaper, and then back to bed. Of course, by now he was seriously ticked off, and rapidly woke Rebecca. This one was worse than earlier, I think because they’re used to having a bottle when they wake up. So they were both mad and hungry. I kept going in every 10 minutes as per the book’s instructions. Rebecca took an hour and 45 minutes to go back to sleep. Daniel, I kid you not, went three hours. He got perilously close to my 6am mark, and I found myself wondering: if it hits 6:00 and he’s still crying, do I go get him then? Is that just teaching him that if he cries long enough I’ll eventually pick him up? Thankfully he went to sleep around 5:45 (after waking his sister a second time, thank you, but she went back to sleep quickly). When he woke up 30 minutes later, I got him up and we started the day. I actually had to go wake Rebecca up at 7:15, lest our day get completely off-kilter.

Did I like listening to my kids cry? Of course not. It’s hard, and I felt bad. By 5am when I was exhausted myself, I was tempted to scoop Daniel up and cuddle with him. I doubt it would have actually stopped him crying, but I wanted to. And yet, there was something strangely liberating about doing this. Before, when they would wake up at night, I found I would feel the need to leap out of bed and intervene as quickly as possible. Hoping it wouldn’t escalate, hoping the 2nd baby wouldn’t wake up. Quick, get the pacifier! Not working? Crap! Pick up and rock, please be quiet. No? Dammit, run downstairs and make a bottle. Oh hell, now your sister’s up.

Tonight? Of course I was immediately awake when they started crying, and I have a nasty tension headache from clenching my jaw (I think more in anticipation than anything else). But there was something strangely freeing in the knowledge that I did not have to make them stop crying. Obviously I wanted them to stop crying. But I knew that was up to them, and my job was only to make sure they were alright and quietly remind them I hadn’t really gone anywhere.

A mixed, but overall kind of rough first night. But we’re committed to seeing this thing through, and I can only imagine it will get better. Daniel went down pretty easily for naps today, and though he didn’t stay asleep super long, it’s something. Let’s hope tonight is a bit better…

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Categories : Infants, Sleep

Tags : Ferberize, Overnight, sleeping through the night

Viva la revolution, part 2: overnight

By Goddess in Progress · Comments (10)· February 15th, 2008

It’s time. Time for my kids to sleep through the night. Time for them to sleep un-frigging-swaddled. Time to stop making bottles between the hours of 7pm and 6am. Tonight, we Ferberize.

I had hoped I’d be able to make this happen gradually, that my kids would just start to sleep through on their own. Not so much. So I decided I’d go the Ferber route. Everyone I know who has done it says it’s a few rough nights but then all is well. Sounds good to me. But if I was going to do it, I wanted to really know what I was doing. I didn’t want to rely on my assumptions of what it was all about, or someone else’s re-telling of how it’s done. So, while I was in Florida, I actually read his book.

And you know what? I’m really glad I did. All I knew about Ferber before this was something about gradual crying-it-out, increasing intervals of time. And that, somehow was supposed to make the kids sleep better. After reading, now I get it. It’s not about the crying. It’s about sleep associations. What conditions am I putting in place for when my kids fall asleep, and will those conditions be the same when they wake up overnight (as all people do), so they can easily fall back asleep (as most people do). I realized I was perpetuating the overnight bottles, because our bedtime routine essentially includes feeding them to sleep. Shockingly, then, when they wake up at night, they want the bottle to fall back asleep.

I also had thought I needed to get them out of the swaddle before I could “Ferberize,” (not entirely knowing what that meant). Now, I realize that swaddling is just another sleep association that needs to change. And that, more fundamentally, is Ferberizing.

I realize that most people haven’t read his book. And I understand, most people don’t have a ton of time, and think they understand what it’s about. But there’s a lot of misconceptions out there. I told a friend I was planning on it this weekend, and she said “don’t go too hardcore. A friend of mine did that. She let the kid cry for like six hours, and he had pooped and vomited and was just lying there.” That’s not Ferber, though people assume it is, which is why lots of people balk when you say you’re Ferberizing. No, Ferber would have you go in and check if the kid is still crying. And if there’s poop or puke to deal with, you deal with it. You don’t have to let the poor kid stew in his juices all night. Anyways. If you’re interested in the idea, I highly recommend picking up the book. You can skip the chapters on sleep apnea and bedwetting (or save them for later). Just read the first parts.

We’re going kind of cold-turkey tonight on a number of things, which may seem a little harsh. But you know what? I could re-do this process with each condition that needs fixing, or just do it all at once. My kids will not be emotionally scarred. They’ll be just as upset with the change if I do it one thing at a time versus all at once. According to the book and nearly everyone I’ve talked to, this should all be over in three or four nights. Let’s hope that’s true.

The new bedtime routine, as of tonight:
- bathtime (same)
- PJs and sleep sack, maybe some songs while getting dried off and dressed (same)
- no swaddle
- upstairs, sit in the rocking chair for a last bottle (no longer while in bed, unlikely to fall asleep while eating)
- lie down in crib, read story (used to read while eating bottle in bed)
- smooch, good night, lights out.

For tonight, the cry-it-out intervals are 3, 5, and 10 minutes. If/when they wake up overnight (anytime before 6am), the intervals re-start. But no picking up and rocking, no bottles. A quick belly rub, a reminder that we haven’t really gone anywhere. But that’s it.

As for things specific to Ferberizing twins, I have decided to keep them in the same room, as always. M is not thrilled with this idea, and wants to separate them so they don’t wake each other up. I have three responses to that argument. The first is this: our house is not that big. If one is carrying on for an extended period of time at any real volume, the risk of waking the other is still present. The rooms just aren’t that far apart. Second: if they’re going to wake up and scream, I’d just as soon they did it at the same time in the same place. It’s incredibly frustrating to me when, as soon as one has calmed down, the other starts up. That means that mommy gets no sleep. And possibly even worse is when they cry at the same time but in different rooms. No thank you. My third response: I want our kids to share a room for the next couple of years. Part of that means learning to sleep through a certain amount of commotion. If you constantly separate them when one is disruptive, then you’ll always have to do so. Whereas if they learn to sleep through each other’s noise, then you can have some pretty sound sleepers on your hands, who aren’t easily woken when one gets sick, has a bad dream, or even when there’s noise from mom & dad’s dinner party downstairs.

I don’t mean for this to be one big commercial for Dr. Ferber’s theories. As with any of these books, there are things with which I disagree (including what he says about twins and his ideas about appropriate times for naps). And as with any of the millions of highly-touted methods for getting your baby to do this or that, everyone has to make the right choice for their family and situation. All I suggest is that any decision be an informed one. Whatever the theory/method may be, read the book.

Alright, this has become quite an epic post. Obviously this subject is taking up a lot of my emotional energy at the moment. But no more putting it off. The longer I wait, the worse my kids’ sleep seems to get. Project Ferber is a go.

Wish me luck.

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Categories : Infants, Learning/Classes, Sleep

Tags : Ferber, Ferberize, Overnight, sleep associations, sleeping through the night, Swaddling