Well, OK, two years and five months, but whatever. As of this morning, I am back to the weight I was when I got pregnant. Three years ago.

This goal is only sort of a mid-point to me.  A good goal. An important one.  One that I’m proud to have achieved. But far, far from the end.

Five months ago, I weighed 226 pounds. Two hundred twenty six. There, I said it. It’s out there. You know. I can hardly describe how ashamed I am of that number, not to mention how long I sat there.  And how long I looked like this:

August 17, 2009. That’s me. HUGE. Horrified.  But however long it took, a switch flipped. Time for a long overdue change.

Weight Watchers, EA Sports Active, Jillian Michaels, my gym’s childcare room, the Shredheads, Twitter, and Couch to 5K. Five months. Twenty-six pounds.  And now I am here:

The thing is, I still weigh 200 pounds.  I am still, by all objective measures, fat. Obese, even. I’m way, way heavier than I ought to be. I am not proud of my weight. My body is distributed completely differently than it was the last time I was at this weight. So much more belly, now. And the loss of volume is revealing some rather alarming “twin skin.” I am not happy with where I am right now.

But.

While I’m not setting any speed records on weight loss, but it has been steady. In the 20+ weeks I’ve been counting, I have lost something all but about three weeks.  I am proud of that.  This weekend, I finally was able to buy some new jeans. It took more than 20 pounds, but I went down a pants size. I am proud of that. I am stronger, happier, more in control. I have not purchased a pint of ice cream since August. My kids see me put on my sneakers and say “you have on your exercising shoes!” I am proud of that.

I am proud of this:

And this is why you take a “before” picture. I hate mine.  It makes me want to cry.  But you know what? If I didn’t have it as a comparison, then today’s picture would also make me cry.  Putting them together lets me see progress, however gradual, however slow.

Onward.

I’ve already written about my current exercise/fitness goal, but I also need a new weight-specific goal.  So here it is: I want to have a BMI that is simply “overweight” instead of “obese.”  That’s 21 more pounds.  For a rough timeframe, I think I should be able to do it by June.

Bring it.

It was over four months ago that I began my most recent battle of the bulge. First, it was a wager among friends as to who could lose the most weight in a month.  I won (though I have yet to cash in my prize – dinner on them).  Then, a slightly larger competition amongst other blogging types, Biggest Loser rules (% of weight lost in 6 weeks). I came in second.

And then, in October, I became a Shredhead.  In addition to the ass-kicking provided by Jillian, I found a great support system via Twitter, and that has really helped carry me and push me throughout the fall.  Exercise became a routine. Weekly weight loss became the norm.  If it weren’t for that pesky 2 weeks in Chicago, I might have even made my weight loss goal (I’m close, just a few weeks later than I hoped).

I’ve started to get into a rut, though. A little bored with my exercise routine.  A lot of Shredheads, I noticed, took up running.  Oy, running. I have always hated it. I have always sucked at it. I’ve even tried the Couch-to-5K (C25K) program once or twice, and failed miserably. I’m not sure I made it to the second week.

But that Jillian, she gets into your head.  While still overweight, I’m getting a lot more fit. I started to think about running again. A 5K is 3.1 miles.  I can do that. I can do that.  So I decided to shake it up and do the C25K again. Treadmill, this time, to control my pace. Not that I planned on becoming a runner, but more as a straight physical accomplishment.  Something I should be able to do. Something I will do.

Well, I don’t know about you, but I do better if I have a goal in mind. A fixed point towards which to move.  Clearly, I need a race. One in the vicinity of the end of this training program.  Except, well, how many 5Ks are there in Massachusetts in March?  Seriously, it could be 75 or it could be a blizzard, there’s just no telling.

Enter the Shredheads, several of whom are running the Disney Princess Half Marathon in March.  In Orlando.  Oh… would you look at that… there’s also a 5K as a part of those festivities!  Florida in March is nice, not cold but not too warm….  And would you believe it, kids under 3 don’t need a ticket to get into the parks…?

Last night, I signed up.

I don’t yet know how exactly we’re getting there, where we’ll stay, or any of those other pesky details.

But I signed up for a 5K. In Disney World.  On March 6. Nine weeks from today.

I’m on week 4 of C25K, and that five whole minutes of running is kicking my ass.  Did I mention that there was ONE time, in high school, that I ran a whole mile?  ONE TIME. EVER.

I have lost my mind.  But, hey, I’ve also lost nearly all of my baby weight.  Might be an acceptable trade off.

Staying at your parents’ house as an adult is a weird thing, isn’t it? Some things you see with fresh eyes, and other times you revert back to an awkward preteen.  I’ve noticed some habits working both for and against me this week.

On the positive side, it would seem that 4+ months of regular exercise is actually becoming an ingrained habit.  Oh sure, part of it is that I’m only about three pounds away from my first weight-related goal, and I don’t want to get completely sidetracked while I’m here.  But really, when have I ever brought an exercise DVD with me to (either of) my parents’ house(s)?  When have I ever used the treadmill they have in their basements?  That would be a big, fat never.

And yet, here I am.  I have done the Shred. I have progressed to Week 3 of the Couch-to-5K program (yes, I’m trying to run… more on that later).  I have exercised more days than not.  And I’m glad.

I’m particularly glad, because the flipside is that old eating habits die really hard.  I’ve been reasonably good with my eating these last few months (hence the 3-pounds-from-first-goal thing). But much of my success has come from controlling what foods I have access to. I haven’t purchased a pint of ice cream since the summer. I have baked shockingly few cookies (by my standards). I don’t keep crap in the house, so I can’t eat it.  I have a pretty limited menu, but it works for me.

And then I get here. Without even thinking, I walk into my dad’s kitchen and open the doors to the pantry to peruse the junk food. Cookies. Chips. All variety of things that I don’t ever buy, but find almost impossible to resist when they’re right there in my face. No control over what is served at big family dinners. Dad buys a dozen bagels (from my favorite bagel shop) for breakfast.  Ugh.

I’ve tried to keep some of my go-to items on hand, and have tried to stick to my 8PM rule.  But, clearly, four well-behaved months have not cured me of 30 years of bad eating habits.

But still, I will try to keep fighting the good fight, and not beat myself up too much for what happens here, away from home.  Just a few more days, and I’ll be back in my own space.  In the meantime, pass the cookies…

October is done, which means that the October Shredheads Challenge is complete.  I have to say, I’m pretty proud of myself!  With pretty much only a single exception, I stuck to my plan of doing the Shred 3x/week, and going to the gym 2x/week.  I did pretty well on my food/Points, too.** The end result in numerical terms is that I’m down 5.5 pounds from October 1-31, for a total of 15 pounds overall.  Only about 11 more pounds to go on my end-of-the-year pre-pregnancy weight goal. Woot!

The big asterisks on that one was our weekend away.  The food was a total disaster because I made virtually no effort to stick with the plan and just ate whatever the hell I wanted.  The payback was a pound and a half gain. Boo!  It was also surprisingly difficult to get back with the program after I got home. I was feeling pretty defeated for a few days last week.  I think the big difference was that I went whole hog off the wagon that weekend.  Other days that I’ve allowed myself indulgences, they were pretty limited. Maybe a single bad day, or single bad meal, but otherwise I was pretty good.  Last weekend, it was a free-for-all, and I paid for it.  Thankfully, I found my way back to the plan and have erased the gain.

I have noticed something very interesting recently, with regard to eating. We were taking the kids out for lunch at a nearby Tex-Mex restaurant (not a good diet choice, of course, but I survived).  As I was sitting on my hands and biting my lip to avoid the bowl of chips, I started to say, “but I’m just so huuungry!”  And then I stopped halfway through my whine and realized that it simply wasn’t true.  I wasn’t hungry.  I’m just not really that hungry anymore.

Obviously, I get hungry.  But not as often as I think I will.  Not as badly as when I first started counting my points (when all you can think about is how fricking hungry you are).  And most of the time, when I start to have the thought I’m hungry, I’m actually not.  I’m munchy. I want.  But that’s not the same as being hungry.

And that, I suppose, is where the larger struggle actually lies.  The hard part of sticking with a weight loss plan is not hunger.  It’s those munchy, snacky, WANT feelings that got you to this point in the first place.

So, I will continue to fight the good fight. Drink more water to stave off the munchies. Exercise or sew or catch up on the DVR instead of eating. Exercise some more.  And exercise a little more after that. There is much more work to be done.

In the last 7 weeks, I have lost 11 pounds.

Pants that were downright painful to wear are now reasonably comfortable. I bought two pair of size 18 jeans from Old Navy and have to return them because they’re too big.  My rings (the ones I paid way too much to resize almost a year and a half ago) are loose.

I am not eating ice cream or cookies. (Except my nightly 100-calorie Klondike bar.)  I am drinking a ton of water, at least one glass of milk per day, and very little Diet Coke.  I am in some food ruts, but at least I know they’re my go-to points-friendly items.  I still need to work on getting more fruits & veggies.

I have a routine that gets me real, hard exercise five times per week: two days at the gym and three days of Shred at home.  Wednesday and Saturday are my days off.  I won’t say the Shred is getting easier, but I no longer feel like I’m going to die, and am getting closer to being able to do all of the reps.  And I am in love with my time at the gym, even if they had to come get me to change Daniel’s diaper today (after which, he went right back to playing and I got to finish my workout).

I feel a little better. I feel a little stronger.  Somewhere, under all of that fat and twin skin, I think I may actually have an abdominal muscle or two.  Still weak, but it’s there.

I’m happy about this. I’m proud of it.  But I am not throwing myself a party today.  There’s too much yet to do.

If I keep up my 1.5 pounds/week average, I can just squeeze out my goal of hitting my pre-pregnancy weight before the end of the year. 15 more pounds to go.  But even then, there’s still a long, long road ahead.

There’s a part of me that has to get a little bit mad in order to make this all work. I’m glad that it’s working, but I have to be a little ticked off to work even harder.  I also know that, for as decent as my motivation is right now, the time will come when it is going to wear off. I’m going to get lazy, sidetracked, off my game. There will be setbacks.  So I feel like I have to make the most of what I’ve got at the moment.

I’ve been pretty good about sticking to my “no eating after 8PM” rule, and good when I’m out and there’s food available (like last night, at a twin club meeting, someone bought a whole bunch of cookies for the table and I didn’t touch a single one).  It was a little easier in that I was talking to a few of my friends about weight loss and exercise, and said out loud to them “I am not eating any of those cookies! Please smack the hell out of my hand if you see me reaching.”  And because I said it out loud, I actually didn’t feel even the least bit tempted.

But do you know how the ass-kicker (Jillian?) inside my head responds to these situations?  Do you know what phrase always runs through my head at times like this?

“I am not fucking around here.”

There’s too much work to be done.  I am not fucking around here.

I told you I had to get mad.

First of all, might I mention that I have a guest post up at Loser Moms? It’s about my first attempt at the 30-Day Shred DVD, and how it almost killed me.

My efforts at weight loss and getting in shape are going well, even if I sometimes wish it would go faster.  But I have set myself some medium- and long-term goals that I think will be a challenge but are realistically doable.  The first goal is to lose my remaining 16 pounds of post-pregnancy weight by Christmas.  It’s a mental milestone for me, as it was just after Christmas, three years ago, that I learned I was pregnant (and, thus, when the “baby weight” ticker started going up).  It’s not a given that I’ll achieve it, but it can be done.  For extra motivation, I know my dad wants to hire a photographer for a new above-the-mantel family portrait while we’re all in Chicago for the holidays. I don’t want to be embarrassed every time I see that picture for the next 5+ years.

My long-term goal for weight loss is to get to my wedding weight. Before you scoff, I assure you that I was not a skinny little thing that day. I was still technically overweight, and I was wearing a size 12 (I think I had one or two pairs of pants in a 10, which I was very psyched about).  Anyways, that number is 35 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight.  So 2010 is all about that 35 pounds.

As for sticking with the program, I am finding the mob mentality group support and competition to be a helpful external motivator.  I believe I was the winner for our 30-day mini-Biggest-Loser challenge among friends, and the Loser Moms competition still has two more weeks remaining (no idea how I compare to other participants, but it helps motivate me to think that I have a shot at winning…).  And as I was thinking about jumping on the Shredhead bandwagon, anyways, I was eager to join their October challenge.   The framework is broad, just do the Shred regularly, try to eat well, and see results!  So, here’s my plan:

For food, I am continuing on Weight Watchers. The points have never done me wrong, so I’m sticking with what works for me.  I will also continue my “no eating after 8PM” rule.  Just having that self-created rule in the back of my head really helps to curb the all-night grazing that I am otherwise tempted to do.

For exercise, the main thrust of the October Shredheads Challenge, my plan is this:

• Tuesday & Thursday is gym day (Day 2 was at least as awesome as Day 1… it’s a whole new world opened up to me!). I’ll do at least 30 minutes of cardio, some core exercises, and possibly some weights.
• I will do the Shred DVD three times per week: two weekdays and one weekend day.  And who knows, maybe by the end of the month, I’ll actually be able to complete the entire 20-minute workout (OMFG it’s haaarrrrdddd!). Oy.

That adds up to five days of exercise per week, which is darn good if you ask me.  I used to exercise like that, way back before I got married and moved away from the greatest gym ever. It’s really, really nice to be active and doing something for myself.

So, what about you?  Are you going to join the challenge?  Do you have your own fitness goals going on right now?

So, today is Day 30 of my challenge with Nancy and our friend Amy, as well as Day 30 of my first go around of the EA Sports 30 Day Challenge.  All in all, a good month!

For the personal stats, I’m down 5.5 pounds. Not too shabby. Probably enough to win our three-person challenge. And, you know, better down than up.  But I can’t lie, I wish it was more. I wish it would be easier, or at least faster. I know that slow and steady is the way to go and all of that, but 5 measly pounds seems like such a drop in the bucket when I’ve got soo much more to go.  But, alas, it’s a start.  My approach this month was to count my Weight Watchers points as best as I could, and complete the 30-Day Challenge on the EA Sports Active game for the Wii.

The EA Sports 30-Day Challenge was definitely worth doing. I managed 19 of the intended 20 workouts (I’ll do #20 tomorrow, on day 31), and they really are workouts. Real squats, real effort, real sweat.  And I have to say that I noticed a difference from the first day to the last.  Now that the 30 days is up, the workouts feel easier and I’d definitely be ready to move up to the medium level (I did this month on “easy”).  Jump lunges still suck in a major way, but most of the other exercises feel easier than they did a month ago.

Nothing’s perfect, and there were times that the game seemed to not quite pick up on what I was doing.  It took a while for me to figure out the right way to do the fast kick-ups and have them recognized in-game, and as Nancy pointed out, it means that you look like Phoebe Bouffet going for a run.  Sometimes the tempo is a little weird.  But overall, I love that the workouts are programmed so you don’t have to choose individual exercises, and the interface is pretty darn nice.  I’m a little done with it for the moment, but I could definitely see going back to it after trying something else for a little while.

So, anyways, month 1 is up, but the Biggest Loser challenge on Loser Moms is still going strong.  The competition and desire to win actual money help keep up the motivation, I cannot lie.  Going to try to be good over the weekend while we spend time with M’s family for Rosh Hashanah, and I think that I’m going to start taking my licks from Jillian when I get back. I hear it’s rough, so think strong thoughts for me.

So, I’ve completed my first week of our little weight loss challenge, and it’s a bit mixed. I’m enjoying the EA Sports Active game and its built-in 30-day challenge quite a bit.  It most definitely gets me working hard and sweating, though I do wish it had at least an option for some guided stretching.  The down side of the week is that my plan of “just try to eat better” was not super effective. Shocking, I know!  That someone with life-long struggles with food and weight would have difficulty in simply “eating better!” Heh.  So, I’m back to counting my points with Weight Watchers, which is kind of a drag but really works.

But I decided I needed just a touch more motivation, and I found it over at Loser Moms with Sarah and Devra. They’re running their own Biggest Loser contest, and they’ve put their money (well, all of our money) where their mouths are. Everyone who wants to play along chips in $10, and the person who loses the most weight (percentage-wise) between September 1 and October 15 gets the cash (I think some goes to the runner-up, too).  I think they’re still open to new participants, so jump on in with me, would ya?

I gained 65 pounds when I was pregnant.

Not obscene, especially in the realm of twin pregnancies, but not a great thing when I started out too heavy to begin with.  Postpartum, when I was breastfeeding at least part-time, I dropped about 40 of that by my 6-week checkup.  Then I stopped breastfeeding and continued to eat as though I was.

Nine months on, nine months off, that’s what they say about “baby weight.”

Or, I think it was my beloved Stacy London who said that, once your baby is a year old, you can’t call it baby weight anymore.

Does two babies qualify me for an extension?  Either way, it doesn’t matter.  It’s been two years and I’m still hovering within 5 pounds of my 6-week checkup weight, 25 pounds heavier than when I got pregnant and (*grumble mumble too many*) pounds way above where I was when I got married.  And even that wasn’t anything approaching slender.

Regardless, I’m never going to be a particularly thin person, and that’s fine.  But here? Where I am today? This sucks.

I’m officially a size 18. There. I said it. Do you know how crappy that feels? Do you know how crappy it feels to have to go to a “special” store just to get a pair of jeans?  Blech. Blech blech blech.  Shitty, that’s how it feels.

But I can either bitch and moan about it, or I can try (once again) to do something about it.  This morning, I set my alarm and got up before the kids to do Day 1 of the EA Sports Active 30-day Challenge. I was fortunate enough to get a copy of this game a few months ago, but it arrived more than a week later than it was supposed to and the timing didn’t work out for me to be able to jump in on the challenge in June.  But now I’m home, and here I go.

And seriously? It was an honest-to-god workout! I’ve managed to get a bit of exercise using the Wii Fit games before, but this one is no fricking joke.  It goes right from one exercise to the next, and my heart was pumping and I was sweating bullets. My legs are sore from the squats I haven’t done in ages.  And this was the low-impact version. Gah!

Just for a little extra kick in the pants, I’m doing a weight loss challenge along with blog- and real-life-friend Nancy at the Zimmer Zoo.  She and I (and another MOT friend of ours) will work our tails off for the next 30 days.  Whoever wins (Biggest Loser-style, percentage-wise) will get treated to a girls’ night out by the other two.  And to hold myself accountable, I did the full-on “before” business this morning.  Got on the scale (gah). Took measurements of my legs, bust, waist, etc. (double-gah).  And stood in front of the one full-length mirror we have, which had been buried in a closet, and took a picture of myself (*eep! ack! faint!*).  I’m not inclined to share any of those right now, but I have them. I know.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have another quart of water to drink.

Another quick recipe as a companion to my post today over at the Ladies of Loserville: the pork chops my mom always used to make, which are awesome with a little fresh applesauce.

Pork Chops

Ground Allspice
Garlic Powder
2 Bay Leaves, crumbled
Salt
Fresh ground pepper

3-4 boneless center-cut pork chops

Amounts are totally approximate, but I’m going to say roughly a tablespoon each of the allspice and garlic, maybe half as much salt and some healthy grinds of pepper.  Mix the spices in a small bowl, then coat pork chops with the rub.  Be generous and fully coat the meat.  Store them in an airtight container or ziploc bag (feel free to toss in any remaining spice mixture) for several hours (you could easily do this in the morning to have for dinner that night).

When you’re ready to cook, first wipe off as much of the spice rub as you can, and pat the chops dry.  They’ll be plenty well-seasoned.  Either saute in a pan with a little olive oil or nonstick spray, or grill them.  Be careful not to overcook, because they can really dry out.  Serve with applesauce (instructions below, if you need them).  I like steamed broccoli and couscous as side dishes.

Fresh Applesauce

This is so easy, it’s almost embarrasing to post the instructions.  But if you’ve never made your own applesauce, you really must do it now.  You may never go back to the stuff in the jar.

Apples, however many you like (at least 2 pounds, I think!)
Lemon
Cinnamon stick
Sugar (optional)

Equipment:
large saucepan or pot
food mill or potato masher

A mixture of different types of apples is always nice, I think.  Some, like Granny Smith, will stay firm when cooked and make for a chunkier applesauce.  Some, like McIntosh, turn to mush almost immediately.  I don’t think you can go wrong with a mix of Golden Delicious, Macoun, Jonagold, Gala, and the like.  There’s plenty of charts out there if you need help picking.

If you have a food mill, don’t even bother to peel them.  Just core and cut into sections.  If you’ll be using a potato masher, take the peels off before you core and section.  Dump them all into a pot, add maybe an inch or so of water in the bottom of the pot.  The juice of one lemon is a nice addition, as is a cinnamon stick dropped into the water.  Add a couple spoonfuls of sugar if you want, but you don’t need much at all (if any).

Cook on medium-high heat (covered) until the apples start to get mushy (some varieties will just get soft, others will practically disintegrate).  Once nice and soft or mushy, turn off the heat and remove the cinnamon stick.  Mash with a potato masher, or put the cooked apples through the food mill (if you left the skins on and had some red apples, the sauce will be kind of pink).  Include the water that’s still in the pot.

Seriously, that’s it.  Just grab a spoon and dig in (yes, warm fresh applesauce is awesome if you’ve never had it).  It will keep in an airtight container in the fridge for at least a week, I’d say.  If it lasts that long…